Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

In my most recent post, I told you about 9 behaviors you should never ignore or downplay in a relationship. As I explained, these relationship red flags don’t automatically spell doom for your future with your partner. But they do tell you that there’s something in the relationship that needs your attention and may be compromising your connection.

Today, I want to look at the other side of the coin and talk about behaviors that people often think are toxic in a relationship but aren’t. These are behaviors that my clients often tell me about when they’re struggling to build a deep, satisfying connection with their partner. And they come up frequently in conversations with couples who are desperate to save their marriage or long-term relationship.

Many of my clients (and people in general) think these behaviors or habits are the root of their relationship problems—or at least major contributors to them. So they’re often pretty surprised to learn...

In my last blog post—on the 6 characteristics that define healthy relationships—I told you what to look for to determine if your bond with your partner is a solid one.

Knowing the traits that characterize healthy relationships is important for understanding whether your relationship is healthy and what you and your partner could focus on to strengthen your connection.

However, it’s also important to know about the opposite—the red flags in relationships. In a relationship, red flags are signs that something isn’t quite right in a relationship. They’re meant to get your attention and signify potential “danger” or “trouble” so that you can assess the situation and take steps to remedy it or protect yourself.

The tricky thing is that it isn’t always easy to notice red flags—especially if you’re blinded by intense, passionate love. And even if you do notice them, it can be easy to sweep them under the rug or...

As human beings, we’re wired to form relationships with other people, especially romantic partners.

That’s why romantic relationships don’t just give us someone to curl up with on the couch or have sex with. They also boost our physical and mental health. In fact, when you’re in a healthy relationship, you’re more likely to be healthy, engage in healthy behaviors, and have a lower risk of dying.

Because relationships are such an important part of life, you might wonder just how healthy your relationship is. After all, it’s easy to find quizzes, cheat sheets, and checklists that spell out the signs of a bad relationship. But what about healthy relationships? What exactly do they look like? And how do you transform a relationship that’s rocky or even just okay into a better one?

If those are the questions that are running through your head right now, you’re in the right place. Because below, I’m launching a new blog post series on...

Last week, I laid out a blueprint for how to finally stop people pleasing so you can put yourself first.

These tips are great for helping you make day-to-day decisions based on what YOU want (not what your partner, neighbor, or boss wants). In other words, they empower you to have an equal voice in your relationship, confidently decline a request to dog sit, and stand your ground so you can protect your personal time from work.

But you know what? The day-to-day decisions you make aren’t the only time when other people’s needs, desires, and expectations can drown out your own.

You see, if you’re like a lot of the clients I’ve worked with over the years, you might find that even the bigger life decisions that you make are influenced by the opinions and expectations of the people around you.

For example, maybe you went to med school or pursued a career as an accountant because your parents wanted you to.

Maybe you married the type of person your family wanted...

In my last few posts, I’ve told you all about why people pleasing holds you back from being happy, living a meaningful life, and building healthy relationships.

So here’s what you might be thinking, “Okay, Vera, I know that people pleasing is hurting me more than it’s helping me. But it’s not like I can just wake up one morning and decide that I’m going to stop being a people pleaser. It’s just not that easy!”

You know what? I get it. Really, I do.

When you’ve spent years or even decades being a people pleaser, the idea of saying “no” to your neighbor or telling your partner what you want to eat for dinner can feel terrifying. 

At the same time, though, putting an end to your people pleasing ways is essential if you want to start prioritizing the most important person in your life—YOU!

How on Earth do you do this?

Keep reading below to learn my 9 steps to finally stop people pleasing.

. . . . . . . ....

When you’re a people pleaser, you pour a lot of your time and energy into doing things for other people, saying “yes” to their requests, and going along with what they want and say.

That’s why you might think that even though people pleasing can make you feel unhappy or burned out, it must be good for your relationships. After all, who wouldn’t want a partner who always agrees with them, a friend who never says “no,” or an employee who’s always baking them treats?

It’s true that people pleasing might reduce conflict in the relationship on the surface. And it might seem to make the other person really happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But the reality is that people pleasing doesn’t help relationships or set them up for success. Instead, it hurts them.

Why?

That’s exactly what I’m going to break down in this post.

Keep reading below to discover why your people pleasing is damaging your relationships.

...

In my previous post, I told you why people pleasing eventually makes you feel unhappy, exhausted, resentful, empty, or dissatisfied with your life. (I also shared 7 ways to tell whether you’re a chronic people pleaser.)

But here’s the thing: It’s important to know that people pleasing hurts you in the long run. But just knowing this usually isn’t enough to make you stop doing it and start valuing yourself the way that you value the people around you.

That’s because the foundation of people pleasing—the reason WHY you invest so much time and energy into doing it—runs pretty deep. So to change how you prioritize and value yourself relative to others, you need to first get to the root cause of your people pleasing behavior. You need to first understand WHERE your people pleasing came from and HOW it affects your relationships today.

By gaining clarity on why you put so much effort into pleasing others, you’ll be able to heal yourself and...

When many of my clients first come to me, they have a decent job, a roof over their head, loyal friends, and maybe even a partner who cares about them.

Sounds like they have a pretty good life, right?

But you know what? The way they feel doesn’t match what their life looks like on paper.

For example, they might feel unhappy, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled. They might have the sense that there’s something missing in their life—even though they can’t put a finger on what it is. And in some cases, they may often be angry or irritable without really knowing why.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

If it does, you might be doing the same thing that many of my clients are doing when they first start working with me: you might be living someone else’s life instead of your own.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Vera, I’m the one who works my job, takes care of my family, and decides what to wear in the morning. So it’s MY life,...

In my last few posts, I’ve been telling you all about why self-care is so important for moms.

But I’ve also acknowledged some of the challenges moms face when trying to take time out for themselves.

Specifically, I’ve done deep dives on the guilt moms feel when they try to make time for themselves. And I’ve addressed the tricky task of actually finding time in the day that you can spend on yourself.

The reality, though, is that even if you’ve done a lot of inner work to tame mom guilt and reflect on how you’re using your time day-to-day, it isn’t always possible to get away to the spa for a day or go on an afternoon hike by yourself (as nice as that kind of freedom would be!).

Of course, you absolutely should try to find ways to get out of your house for self-care every now and then.

But it’s also helpful to discover activities you can do right at home—while your kids are napping, doing homework, or talking to a friend. After...

Are you a mom who struggles to make time for herself? If you are, I can assure you that you’re NOT alone.

When you scroll social media feeds, it’s easy to get the impression that other moms have it all figured out—they know how to take care of their kids, keep their homes looking like a magazine cover, and still find time to do their hair or give themselves a pedicure.

But from working with hundreds of moms over the years, I can tell you that what you see on Facebook or Instagram usually doesn’t represent reality. Instead, whether they’re working moms or stay-at-home moms, most moms struggle to take time out for themselves.

In my previous post, I talked about why mom guilt holds moms back from taking time out of their days for themselves. (I also shared tips on how to tame mom guilt so you can make time for yourself WITHOUT feeling guilty.)

However, in that post, I also briefly mentioned another major barrier to self-care for moms: time.

After all, when...