Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

In my previous post, I told you why self-care isn’t optional even when you have a family.

But even though you now know about the benefits of making time for yourself when you have kids, a partner, or aging parents to take care of, you might still struggle to actually make it happen.

Why?

Time might be one obstacle. After all, when you’re caring for kids or other family members, it’s harder to find time for yourself.

But when you have other people to take care of, there’s another barrier to self-care that can be an even tougher beast to tackle: GUILT.

Anyone in a caregiving role can feel guilty about taking time for themselves and tending to their own needs. But women are especially likely to struggle with guilt around self-care. After all, as women, we’re constantly surrounded by messages that tell us that our role on Earth is to take care of other people, even if this comes at the expense of meeting our own basic needs.

As I told you last week, though,...

Over the years, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients and students. So I feel pretty confident about saying that most people enjoy taking a break from the daily grind of everyday life and doing something they find fun (whether that’s reading a good book, going for a hike, or training for a half marathon).

And I would even say that most people have at least some idea that self-care is good for them.

So why do a lot of people take care of themselves less than they should?

Because they have so many duties and responsibilities on their plate every day. And for many people, taking time for themselves may not seem as pressing as most of these other tasks.

That’s why prioritizing self-care can be a really challenging thing to do—no matter who you are and what your life looks like.

But it can be especially difficult if you’re a mom.

After all, if you’re a mom, you probably grew up being told that moms always put their kids first—even if it means...

As I’ve shared in my recent posts, intimacy is one of the most important ingredients in a successful relationship.

But having worked with hundreds of couples over the years, I can tell you that intimacy isn’t just a challenge in new relationships. It’s also something that even established couples struggle to maintain and rebuild.

Many people think that the only couples who end up in therapy are the ones who fight all the time, cheat on each other, or stick together for the wrong reasons.

However, many of the couples I work with care about each other, are committed to the relationship, and aren’t on the brink of divorce. So why do they come to me? Because somewhere along the way in their journey as partners, they’ve lost the deep, emotional connection they once shared with each other.

If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble. And it’s not a sign that you need to be in therapy. It just...

The early stages of a new relationship are exciting. You might spend every chance you can get with your new partner, plan fun date nights together, and talk or text almost constantly.

But sooner or later, questions start to pop into your head.

For example, you recognize that you and your partner always have a good time together. But you wonder whether your relationship has what it takes to go the distance.

In particular, you notice that you’re spending a lot of time thinking…

• “Is there enough intimacy in our relationship?”
• “Will we be able to form a strong emotional bond with each other?”
• “Are we meant to be?”

If you’re in a newer relationship and these types of questions have been popping into your head lately, know that you’re not alone.

It’s completely normal to wonder whether the person you’ve been having fun with over the last few weeks or months is truly the right partner for you. In fact, I would even...

Many of my clients first come to me for therapy because in some way or another, they want more intimacy in their relationship.

Why were they struggling to form a deep, intimate connection with their partner in the first place?

In most cases, it wasn’t because they weren’t committed to the relationship.

It wasn’t because they weren’t with the right partner.

And it wasn’t because they had demanding schedules with virtually no free time. (That’s most of us these days, isn’t it?)

Instead, it was because they held myths about intimacy—myths that led them to focus on the wrong priorities when trying to establish or build a deeper bond with their partner.

In other words, they were unknowingly getting on the train to Paris when they really wanted to go to Madrid.

During my years as a couples therapist, I’ve seen 5 common intimacy myths pop up over and over again and keep otherwise solid relationships from becoming deeply satisfying...

What do you think of when you hear the word “intimacy”?

Do you think of sex?

Exchanging a passionate kiss?

Cuddling in front of a fireplace on a cold winter day?

It’s true that some forms of intimacy are physical. And physical intimacy is an important part of romantic relationships.

However, there’s another kind of intimacy that’s just as important: emotional intimacy.

You might not be able to clearly see emotional intimacy between couples in the obvious way that you can see physical intimacy.

But having worked with hundreds of couples over the years, I can tell you that emotional intimacy is a defining characteristic of a healthy relationship.

Why?

Because sex, hugs, and cuddles are great. And they can feel really, really good.

But it’s when you truly feel seen by someone and truly see them in return that you enjoy a fulfilling relationship—one that’s full of passion, joy, and satisfaction.

That’s why this month, I’ll be...

Movies, romance novels, and social media can make us think that if we’re in a romantic relationship, our goal is to spend as much time as possible with our significant other. We’re led to believe that if we truly love our partner, we should spend every waking minute with them and never be apart.

That’s why you might think that you should never need alone time—time just with yourself—when you’re in a relationship. And you might even feel guilty if you want some time to yourself every now and then.

But do you know what I always tell my clients when I’m helping them build strong, loving relationships?

Not only that there’s NOTHING wrong with spending time away from your partner. But also that spending time alone is GOOD for your relationship and actually makes you a BETTER partner.

I know that’s a bit counterintuitive.

That’s why in this post—my final one in my Making Room for Me in Relationships series—I’m...

Setting boundaries is about identifying and communicating limits about what is and isn’t okay to you.

Many of us are pretty comfortable with the idea of having boundaries with colleagues, parents, and friends. For example, you probably agree that intimate touching doesn’t belong in the workplace. And you might be 100% sure that no matter what, you never want to discuss your sex life with your parents.

But when it comes to romantic relationships, we often feel awkward or uncomfortable about putting boundaries in place.

Why?

Because we tend to think that if we truly love someone, we shouldn’t need to set limits on them or our relationship with them. After all, aren’t boundaries about keeping people apart?

We might also worry that if we put boundaries in place with our partner, they’ll think that we’re rigid or selfish.

But the reality is that boundaries are just as important in romantic relationships as they are in other types of relationships. In...

When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to believe that it’s your job to be easygoing and “keep the peace.”

After all, you don’t want to come across as a drama queen or as someone who’s high maintenance and constantly creating conflict.

So, for example, even though you’re not quite ready to move in with your partner, you might pretend that you are.

Or even though you hate that your partner’s friends are over at your house all the time, you might not tell your partner how you really feel.

Maybe it’s even just that you always tell your partner that you “don’t really care” about which restaurant the two of you go to or which movie you end up watching—even though you do.

You avoid expressing your true thoughts and feelings to your partner because you believe it’s the best way to keep things pleasant and make sure your relationship stays on track.

But do you want to know the truth—the truth...

Even if you love your partner and believe you have a strong bond with them, it can be hard to tell them what you need.

Why?

Because you don’t want to come across as bossy, needy, or demanding.

So instead of telling your partner that you need to go to bed by 9 p.m., eat a vegan diet, or talk to them at some point every day, you decide to stay quiet.

Maybe you tell yourself that you’ll communicate your needs to your partner later on in your relationship—when things “feel more secure” or you’ve been together longer.

Or maybe you even try to convince yourself that your needs aren’t all that important or that you should leave them behind now that you’re no longer single.

This may seem like the best way to avoid “rocking the boat” and make your relationship last.

But in reality, if you want to feel happy and satisfied—both in your own life and in your relationship—it isn’t just helpful to tell your partner what...