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Have you ever reacted to a situation in a way that was out of proportion to what happened?

For example, have you ever…

• lashed out at your partner because they put their coffee cup on the kitchen counter instead of in the dishwasher?
• started sobbing because your sister was 20 minutes late to pick you up from the airport?
• yelled at a junior colleague for not printing a document in the exact way you asked them to?

If you’ve ever found yourself reacting to a situation in a way that seemed extreme or even irrational, you might think that you were just “on edge” or “having a bad day.”

And this may very well be the case if it’s only very rarely that you have these kinds of disproportionate reactions to situations.

But if you find that you frequently react to situations in ways that seem “over the top,” it may be one of many possible signs that you have a wounded inner child.

You can find more detailed information on what it means to...

I’m sure it doesn’t shock you to know that we can experience trauma at any point in our lives.

But what you might not know is that trauma is especially likely to affect us, our lives, and our relationships when we experience it in childhood.

Many of us might be quick to think that we didn’t experience childhood trauma if we weren’t sexually abused, involved in a severe accident, or orphaned by war or a mass casualty event.

However, what many of us don’t realize is that childhood trauma can also occur when a caregiver is emotionally unavailable, expresses love only under certain conditions, or is working multiple jobs to make ends meet and isn’t home enough to give a child the love and attention they need.

No matter the specific event or experience, childhood trauma can affect our lives in profound ways. This is because whether we realize it or not, the experiences that we have in childhood can play a big role in shaping how we see ourselves, other...

Recently, I shared a social media video about one of my favorite quotes about trauma: “Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you.”

Why do I love this quote by Dr. Gabor Maté so much?

Because it underscores that trauma isn’t about a past event (e.g., physical assault or accident) or, in some cases, a past experience that unfolded over a period of time (e.g., abuse, neglect, or war). Instead, it’s about how your body and mind responded to the past event or experience and how they CONTINUE to respond to it even today.

That’s the thing about trauma—it isn’t just a memory of the past that you can’t “let go of.”

It’s a lingering internal wound that can “reopen” and cause pain and distress whenever a trigger in your environment unconsciously reminds you of it.

The challenge, though, is that the distress you experience might be more than just the type of momentary pain or...

You might know from your own personal experience that the wound created by a traumatic event isn’t something that exists solely in the mind. It can also be present in the body.

That’s why when you’re consciously or unconsciously reminded of a traumatic event from your past, you might not just feel panicked or become hyperaware of your surroundings. Instead, you might also notice that your muscles have tensed up, your breathing has become rapid, your palms feel sweaty, and your stomach feels like it’s in knots.

So if trauma can reside in both the mind and body, what does this mean for treating it and healing from it?

Many therapies that are used to help people heal from trauma acknowledge the mind-body connection in trauma. But they’re what we call “top-down approaches.” This simply means that the therapy uses a client’s cognitive skills to access and process traumatic memories and the feelings associated with them. The idea is that...

Why can it be so challenging to heal from trauma (especially when you don’t have the right tools and support)?

As I mentioned in a recent post, one key obstacle is that many of us aren’t aware of how common trauma is and that we may very well be carrying it around ourselves. And of course, when you don’t know that you’ve experienced trauma, it’s pretty hard to address it and heal from it.

But another big obstacle is that we often have an oversimplified understanding of why traumatic events continue to affect our lives long after they’re over.

You see, many of us tend to think that if trauma is affecting our happiness, life, or relationships, it’s because the traumatic event was so jarring that we can’t stop thinking about it and we’re constantly distracted by it. As a result, we might think that if we just tell ourselves to stop thinking about the traumatic event, we’ll “get over it” and be able to move on with...

I have a question for you: have you experienced trauma in your life?

When you read my question, you might have almost automatically thought, “No, I don’t think so.”

And that’s because many of us tend to believe that trauma is something relatively rare that someone experiences if they’re involved in a violent crime, a natural disaster, or a major accident.

But the reality is that you can experience trauma even if you haven’t been assaulted, seriously injured in a car accident, or lived in a warzone.

Because trauma isn’t something that we experience only in response to “extreme” situations and experiences.

Instead, it’s something that nearly all of us have likely experienced at some point in our lives. And unless we’ve done deep inner work to address it, it may still be affecting our physical health, our happiness, and our relationships today.

So, is it possible that you’re a trauma survivor and don’t even...

Loving someone who won’t change can be incredibly tough. On the one hand, you really care about them and want to keep them in your life. But on the other hand, the relationship often leaves you feeling drained, resentful, disappointed, sad, and maybe even angry.

In recent weeks, I’ve shared how you can navigate a relationship like this in a healthy way. And I’ve chatted about ways to maintain your relationship with your loved one while nixing or at least reducing the stress that it may be creating for you.

But what if the relationship is really taking its toll on you?

What if you don’t really look forward to spending time with your loved one?

What if you just can’t look past the things they do that really bother you or that you don’t agree with?

Or what if having them in your life is starting to eat away at your mental health or affect other areas of your life?

Are these just a “normal” part of having a challenging relationship with...

No matter how much you want to, you can’t change someone you love.

You’ve seen me talk about this on my blog. And you’ve probably heard it from someone else in your life too.

But you might still think, “My situation is different. Because I just KNOW that if I try hard enough or stick with it long enough, I can get my loved one to change. And then everything will be better.”

My dear, if that thought has run through your mind even while reading my post about why you can’t change other people, I don’t blame you.

Because I know from my own experience that our desire to change someone we love can be so, so strong.

In fact, it can be so strong that even when we’re told that we can’t change our loved one, we might still believe that we’re the exception or that our relationship is the exception. We might think that even if other people usually can’t change their loved one, we can. (And if we believe in it so much, surely we...

Being in a relationship with someone who won’t change isn’t easy.

If you’ve ever experienced it, you know that it can be exhausting, frustrating, and painful. It can also make you feel sad—for what your loved one used to be like or could be like, for the lost potential of your relationship, and for what you’re not getting from them.

But do you know what makes it even harder?

Feeling stuck and confused about how to navigate the relationship.

My ex-husband had a drug addiction, and we ended up falling into a codependent relationship as a result.

This would have been a challenging situation under the best of circumstances. But it was even harder for me because there were some things that I didn’t know at the time about how to navigate challenging relationships in a healthy way.

For example, I didn’t know that when I was around my ex, I was better off focusing on what I COULD control than on what I couldn’t. (Read my previous post to learn...

Have you ever had someone in your life who you desperately wanted to change? Or have you ever been in a relationship where you’d often say to yourself, “If I just wait a little bit longer, encourage them more, or try harder, they will finally change and everything will be better”?

My dear, having a relationship like this in your life is exhausting, and I get it.

And I can tell you that your experience definitely isn’t unique because I’ve been there myself.

In fact, many of us have someone in our life who does something that bothers us on an ongoing basis—whether it’s someone who chronically violates boundaries, is emotionally closed off or unavailable, has a quick temper, or engages in self-destructive behaviors.

In my case, this person was a romantic partner. But it can be anyone we love and care about, such as a parent, sibling, child, extended relative, or friend.

When we have someone like this in our life, it can be really tricky....