Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

Being in a relationship with someone who won’t change isn’t easy.

If you’ve ever experienced it, you know that it can be exhausting, frustrating, and painful. It can also make you feel sad—for what your loved one used to be like or could be like, for the lost potential of your relationship, and for what you’re not getting from them.

But do you know what makes it even harder?

Feeling stuck and confused about how to navigate the relationship.

My ex-husband had a drug addiction, and we ended up falling into a codependent relationship as a result.

This would have been a challenging situation under the best of circumstances. But it was even harder for me because there were some things that I didn’t know at the time about how to navigate challenging relationships in a healthy way.

For example, I didn’t know that when I was around my ex, I was better off focusing on what I COULD control than on what I couldn’t. (Read my previous post to learn WHERE to focus your energy when your loved o...

Have you ever had someone in your life who you desperately wanted to change? Or have you ever been in a relationship where you’d often say to yourself, “If I just wait a little bit longer, encourage them more, or try harder, they will finally change and everything will be better”?

My dear, having a relationship like this in your life is exhausting, and I get it.

And I can tell you that your experience definitely isn’t unique because I’ve been there myself.

In fact, many of us have someone in our life who does something that bothers us on an ongoing basis—whether it’s someone who chronically violates boundaries, is emotionally closed off or unavailable, has a quick temper, or engages in self-destructive behaviors.

In my case, this person was a romantic partner. But it can be anyone we love and care about, such as a parent, sibling, child, extended relative, or friend.

When we have someone like this in our life, it can be really tricky. Because on the one hand, we love and care abou...

Did you catch what I shared in my previous blog post—the one about how to set healthy boundaries with your parents?

In that post, I shared that for a long time, I didn’t know that my relationship with my parents lacked healthy boundaries. And I didn’t understand that the relationship and my own well-being were suffering as a result.

I’ve also shared with you before that it’s important to know the signs that your relationship with your parents lacks healthy boundaries. Because it’s only once you realize that these boundaries are missing that you can work toward putting them in place and enjoying a healthier and less stressful relationship.

But here’s what some of you might be thinking:

My parents do give me unsolicited advice or call me out of the blue all the time. Up until this point, though, I haven’t really set any boundaries with them about it because it seemed easier to just put up with it. But now I have a romantic partner. He has different feelings about the situation and be...

I have a confession to make: I really enjoy talking to you about setting healthy boundaries with parents.

Why?

Because it’s a topic that’s near and dear to my heart.

If you’ve read my blog posts before, you might know that I used to lack healthy boundaries in my relationship with my parents.

You see, when I was growing up, I was taught to place the needs of the people around me, especially my family, above my own. So I pretty much always said “yes” to my parents, did what they wanted me to do, and let them call the shots.

And for a long time, I didn’t even realize that our relationship had this dynamic because it lacked healthy boundaries. (If you’re wondering whether YOUR relationship with your parents needs better boundaries, check for these 7 signs.)

However, even once I knew that I needed to put better boundaries in place with my parents, I had a hard time setting them.

One of the reasons why I struggled was because I thought that by setting boundaries with my parents, I’d b...

As a therapist, I have clients coming to me with a wide range of issues and challenges.

But there’s one issue that pops up more frequently than almost any other: setting boundaries.

As I’ve said before, boundaries are an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship. Just like you can’t make an egg omelet without eggs, you can’t have a healthy relationship without boundaries.

The challenge is that it can be scary and uncomfortable to set boundaries, especially if you’re not used to doing it.

And as I know from my own life and the experiences of my clients, boundaries can be downright daunting when you need to set them as an adult with your parents.

Why?

Because think about it:

If you’re like most people, your relationship with your parents is probably the one that has changed the most over the course of your life.

When you were born, your parents were 100% responsible for you. They made every decision for you, including what to eat, what to wear, and what to spend your day do...

We all have bad days, right?

You know, the type of day when…

…you get stuck in traffic and miss your morning meeting.

…your dishwasher suddenly breaks down and you need to wash ALL of your dishes by hand.

…your kids seem determined to push EVERY one of your buttons.

I certainly had many of those days and some of them affected me more than others.

However, what I realized over the years is that we do not have to be the victims to our life circumstances and that we are in charge of how we choose to see the world and respond to it.

So instead of focusing on the negative life circumstance we have an option to enjoy part of the day or at least not feel weighed down by the bad thing that had happened.

Wouldn’t it feel great if the same thing could happen to YOU?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if that fight with your mom didn’t have to ruin your date or if a bad day at work didn’t have to stop you from enjoying your Friday evening with your partner and kids?

Well, it doesn’t have to just be...

Valentine’s Day is a day about celebrating love.

But like many people, I used to think that it was only about celebrating romantic love with another person.

And so whenever Christmas ended and the heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and candy started to fill store shelves, I used to feel sad and left out if I wasn’t in a relationship (or if I was in a rocky relationship).

My very idea of Valentine’s Day made me focus on what I was lacking—a healthy and loving romantic relationship.

And it stopped me from recognizing that romantic love isn’t the only kind of love that’s important to celebrate on Valentine’s Day.

After all, although romantic relationships are very important relationships for many people, they aren’t the only ones that matter. And they aren’t the only ones that are worth celebrating this Valentin

e’s Day.

So whether you’re single, happily partnered up, or in a rocky relationship this Valentine’s Day, feel free to celebrate the other awesome people in your life.

And mo...

I recently shared that I absolutely love January.

Yes, I’ll admit that this might have something to do with the fact that I live in California and not Wisconsin (where I’m sure it’s probably freezing right now!).

But what really lights me up about January is the chance to start fresh with a clean slate and have a whole year stretching before me to achieve a goal or create a change that’s important to me.

And even if you don’t really like January the way that I do, I bet there’s still a part of you that feels excited about the opportunity it brings—the opportunity to work toward a goal or change that you’d like to achieve by the end of the year.

For example, maybe you want to experience more joy in your life, find your soulmate, or spend your days doing something that lights you up (instead of just slogging away at a job you hate).

In my last blog post, I shared 5 game-changing tips for selecting and pursuing a goal or change that will help you enjoy one of your best years yet.

Th...

I know that not everyone feels this way, but I absolutely love January!

Why?

Because no matter how incredible or challenging the past year has been, it’s a chance for me to start fresh with a new slate.

I get to think about how I want to grow over the next 12 months, what I want to accomplish, and the way I want to feel.

And when I see a new year on the calendar and 12 months stretching before me, I feel more inspired and motivated than ever. Because I know that if my heart is all in, anything is possible.

And that goes for you too!

YOU have the power to make this year as full of joy, love, purpose, and satisfaction as you want it to be. You just need to know how to deploy this power intentionally and successfully.

Because as you might know from personal experience, it’s one thing to make a New Year’s resolution or set a goal for the year. But it’s another thing to actually succeed in achieving your goal or creating the change in your life that you set out to accomplish.

That’s...

In my last blog post, I shared that I didn’t always love going to family gatherings. In fact, I would sometimes dread them because I knew they would inevitably end in conflict, stress, and a lot of hurt feelings.

If you dread getting together with your family—whether it’s for the holidays, a relative’s milestone birthday, or “just because”—you might find that one of the most stressful parts of a family gathering are the uncomfortable, boundary-crossing conversations that can catch you off guard.

I’m talking about when…

…your aunt comes up to you and asks why you still don’t have kids.

…your mom tells you in front of everyone that you’ve gained weight.

…or your drunk uncle makes an inappropriate comment about your body.

Whether the conversation is intrusive, emotionally painful, or downright inappropriate, in the moment, you probably feel desperate to make it end. But you also don’t want to be rude or cause a fight.

So what do you do?

In my post on surviving family gatherings, I...