SELF-CARE: How to Lovingly Navigate Boundary-Crossing Conversations + FREE Self-Care Time Hacker

In my last blog post, I shared that I didn’t always love going to family gatherings. In fact, I would sometimes dread them because I knew they would inevitably end in conflict, stress, and a lot of hurt feelings.

If you dread getting together with your family—whether it’s for the holidays, a relative’s milestone birthday, or “just because”—you might find that one of the most stressful parts of a family gathering are the uncomfortable, boundary-crossing conversations that can catch you off guard.

I’m talking about when…

…your aunt comes up to you and asks why you still don’t have kids.

…your mom tells you in front of everyone that you’ve gained weight.

…or your drunk uncle makes an inappropriate comment about your body.

Whether the conversation is intrusive, emotionally painful, or downright inappropriate, in the moment, you probably feel desperate to make it end. But you also don’t want to be rude or cause a fight.

So what do you do?

In my post on surviving family gatherings, I shared that it’s helpful to think about how you’ll respond to these types of boundary-crossing conversations before you actually show up at the gathering.

But I didn’t have the space to get into the details of HOW you can respond when conversations cross boundaries and become uncomfortable.

That’s why in this blog post, I’m going to do a deep dive into specific conversational strategies you can deploy when the chatter at your next family gathering heads into uncomfortable territory.

Because when you know how to handle intrusive or inappropriate conversations with skill, grace, and love, you can walk away from them with your head held high instead of feeling embarrassed or angry that you were pressured into sharing details about your life that you didn’t want to.

Sound good? Awesome!

Let’s dive right into how to lovingly navigate boundary-crossing conversations (whether they pop up at family gatherings or in other social settings).

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Be Honest

Many boundary-crossing conversations begin when someone who has a habit of being nosy, rude, or inappropriate starts talking. But sometimes, a conversation heads into uncomfortable territory when someone who’s usually loving and respectful crosses a line without meaning to. In this case, being honest about your discomfort with the conversation can be an effective strategy.

For example, let’s say that your stepsister approaches you and innocently asks about your recent surgery. She raises the subject because she’s genuinely concerned about your well-being and isn’t aware that it’s a sensitive topic for you. You understand where she’s coming from and appreciate her concern. But you’d still prefer to not discuss your surgery with her.

What can you do?

You can simply be honest with her and say, “I really appreciate that you remembered my surgery and thought of me, but it’s a sensitive topic for me and I’d rather not talk about it tonight.”

Your stepsister seems to genuinely care about and respect you. And she probably only crossed a line in the conversation because she truly didn’t know that you were uncomfortable with the topic. So there’s a good chance that once you let her know how you feel, she’ll understand and want to change the topic of conversation immediately to avoid upsetting you further.

Keep in mind that when someone realizes that they’ve accidentally started an uncomfortable conversation, they might feel embarrassed or caught off guard. So it can be helpful for you to have an alternative topic of conversation ready to go so that both of you can feel comfortable in the conversation again sooner. Feel free to start off with something light (“Have you watched any good shows lately?”) or general (“What’s new with you?”) to get the conversation back on track.

Don’t Give It a Chance To Start

It’s great to be able to honestly tell someone that you’d rather not talk about something and trust that they’ll respect your wishes. But you probably have at least one person in your life who you just KNOW will not respond to an honest expression of your feelings.

What can you do in this situation?

One strategy is to prevent the conversation from starting in the first place. There are a few ways to do this.

Let’s say that you want to avoid talking to your aunt at your family gathering because you know that she’ll ask about why you and your partner still don’t have kids (as if it’s any of her business!).

The first thing that you can do is to avoid contact with her as much as possible by talking to other people and sticking to areas of the house that she isn’t in. After all, you can’t end up in a conversation with her if you don’t cross paths much at the gathering.

If you can’t avoid your aunt entirely, you can try to acknowledge her without actually stopping to chat. For example, if you notice that the two of you are walking toward each other, you can put on a smile, say “Happy holidays, Aunt Martina!”, and keep walking. The hope is that your aunt will take the hint and realize that you’re not interested in having a lengthy chat.

And finally, if your aunt approaches you while you’re standing or sitting in one place, you can excuse yourself under the guise of going to the bathroom or helping out in the kitchen.

The chances are that if your aunt is nosy with you, she’s probably nosy with other people too. So if you don’t take her bait, she may very well just move on to her next target.

Redirect the Conversation

What if you want to talk to someone (or can’t avoid talking to someone) but still want to steer clear of certain topics? Try to redirect the conversation.

How does this work?

Let’s say that your cousin asks you why you changed jobs recently. The truth is that you got laid off. You’d rather not share this with your cousin, but you also don’t want to lie. So you decide to redirect the topic of the conversation by saying, “Oh, I don’t want to bore you with that story. But I heard that you just came back from a trip to Europe! Tell me about it!”

When redirecting the conversation, don’t feel that you need to apologize or provide an explanation for changing the topic of conversation. Just steer the conversation into a different direction without calling attention to what you’re doing.

Many people love to talk about themselves. So you might find that you have the most success with this strategy when you redirect the conversation to a topic that the other person will be enthusiastic to discuss (ideally to the point where they forget all about what they wanted to ask you).

Put the Onus On Them

The conversational strategies I’ve mentioned above work well with most people you’ll find yourself in a difficult conversation with. But if you end up in a boundary-crossing conversation with someone who seems determined to keep pushing your buttons, you might have to use a strategy that respectfully puts the person in their place. One way to do this is to put the onus of the conversation on them.

For instance, let’s say that by attempting to redirect and leave the conversation, you’ve given your cousin many obvious hints that you don’t want to talk about why you changed jobs. And yet, he keeps pushing you to tell him.

What can you do?

You can put the onus on him by saying, “Why do you want to know?”

The key here is to say this not as a snappy comeback or shutdown but in a neutral tone that expresses genuine curiosity. This way, he can’t peg you as being defensive. Instead, you’ll become the one with the power in the conversation as you shift the spotlight in the conversation from yourself to him.

When you deploy this strategy, you’ll force your cousin to acknowledge that he’s asking you an intrusive question that he really doesn’t need to have the answer to. And when you make it harder for him to ignore the fact that he’s being intrusive and nosy, it’ll be more challenging for him to keep pushing you. He might even feel embarrassed about being “caught in the act” and be more careful about asking intrusive questions next time.

Deal With Inappropriate Conversations Head On

Above, I’ve shared strategies that you can use to respectfully, lovingly, and gently navigate boundary-crossing conversations (or stop them from starting in the first place).

But sometimes, you might find yourself in a conversation that’s blatantly inappropriate because of rude, prejudicial, or sexual language. And in this case, you’ll want to be explicit and direct in communicating that this type of behavior doesn’t work for you.

For example, let’s say that your uncle gets drunk and starts making sexually inappropriate comments about your body. Instead of having to stand there and listen to him make these comments while feeling deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed, you can look him in the eye and say, “No, I’m not okay with the comments you’re making.” And if he doesn’t stop or you simply realize that you’ve had enough at that point, you can tell him that you can’t continue the conversation and walk away.

Now, if you know that the person you’re talking to could become aggressive when you stand up to them and say “no,” you might want to tread carefully. Even though you have every right to tell them that their language and behavior is NOT okay, it’s more important to make sure that you’re physically and emotionally safe. If you think that standing up to them could jeopardize your safety now or in the future, it might be better to find a reason to excuse yourself from the conversation, such as by saying that you need to go to the bathroom or check on something in the kitchen.

You Can Protect Yourself During Boundary-Crossing Conversations

Family gatherings can be stressful for lots of reasons. But it’s the boundary-crossing conversations that can raise the discomfort, tension, and conflict to a new level.

After all, it’s never fun to have people poke and prod you about your personal life, press you for details on a sensitive issue, or make rude or inappropriate comments about you.

The good news, though, is that by learning and deploying some conversational boundary strategies, you can navigate uncomfortable conversations without triggering a fight, before forced to share intensely personal information, or feeling upset and embarrassed.

When you know that you might have to deal with the stress and discomfort of boundary-crossing conversations, it’s especially important to take care of yourself by making time for self-care.

But because you might see self-care as less important than your work, family, and social responsibilities, it might be really challenging to find time for it in your schedule and actually follow through with it.

That’s why I’ve developed a FREE resource for you called the Self-Care Time Hacker.

This worksheet will help you create dedicated “me time” on a regular basis so that while you’re running around doing things for other people, you still get time for yourself. 

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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