SELF-CARE: 7 Signs You Need Better Boundaries With Your Parents + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet

As a therapist, I have clients coming to me with a wide range of issues and challenges.

But there’s one issue that pops up more frequently than almost any other: setting boundaries.

As I’ve said before, boundaries are an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship. Just like you can’t make an egg omelet without eggs, you can’t have a healthy relationship without boundaries.

The challenge is that it can be scary and uncomfortable to set boundaries, especially if you’re not used to doing it.

And as I know from my own life and the experiences of my clients, boundaries can be downright daunting when you need to set them as an adult with your parents.

Why?

Because think about it:

If you’re like most people, your relationship with your parents is probably the one that has changed the most over the course of your life.

When you were born, your parents were 100% responsible for you. They made every decision for you, including what to eat, what to wear, and what to spend your day doing.

But as you grew older—first into a school-aged child, then a teen, and then an adult—you gradually gained the ability to make your own choices and decisions. And your parents were expected to gradually loosen the reins and foster your independence.

The problem is that because your parents were so used to being the authority figures and decision makers in your life, they might have trouble adopting a different role in your life and giving you the physical, psychological, and emotional space you deserve as an adult.

Alternatively, they might recognize that you’re an independent adult but believe that because they’re your parents, they’re entitled to special access to your time, energy, and resources.

In either case, the consequence is that it might seem like your parents are constantly overstepping, demanding your attention, and treating you like someone who can’t make their own decisions.

And as a result, you might feel angry and resentful, constantly butt heads with your parents, and find that your dynamic with them is negatively affecting other areas of your life.

How do you know if your tense relationship with your parents is because they’re “just being parents” or because you don’t have healthy boundaries in place with them?

Check out these 7 signs that your relationship with your parents is missing healthy boundaries: 

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• They Have Unrealistic Expectations About Your Time

Do your parents expect you to always be available by phone, via text, or in person—whenever THEY want you to be?

If they do, your relationship might lack boundaries about respecting your time.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having parents who want to stay in touch, hear your voice, or see you. And it isn’t necessarily an issue if they call or text you out of the blue.

However, what usually IS problematic is when your parents expect you to always answer their calls, immediately respond to their texts, or drop whatever you’re doing to see them in person.

For example, if you don’t have strong boundaries in place with your parents about respecting your time, they might decide that because they’re in your area of the city right now, you should immediately drive over to meet them for lunch—no matter what you’re in the middle of right now.

Or they might call you multiple times during the day and get upset if you don’t answer or call them back right away.

They might even simply expect you to always prioritize seeing them over other people. So for instance, if you had plans to meet up with a friend this weekend but your parents want to see you, they might expect you to cancel on your friend so you can spend time with them instead—because “you’re family.”

It’s true that family members often play a special role in our lives. And as a result, it’s important to prioritize them sometimes. But if you’re always directing most of your time and energy to your parents, you’ll have less time for other important people and activities. And both you and your parents will have fewer opportunities to nurture other important areas of your lives.

That’s why in most relationships between parents and adult children, it’s important to have boundaries related to time and availability.

• They Expect You to Discuss Everything With Them

Another sign that you could benefit from stronger boundaries with your parents is that they expect you to discuss everything about your life with them.

When you were younger, it was age appropriate for your parents to know pretty much everything about your life, including every detail of your medical history, all of your friends, and the grades you got on every report card.

It was also important for them to always know where you were, who you were with, and when you would be home.

But now that you’re an adult, it’s entirely up to you to decide what you’d like to share with your parents and what you’d like to keep private from them. You also don’t need to consult them about any decisions that don’t involve them.

However, if your parents haven’t fully embraced your independence as an adult, they might still expect you to consult them whenever you make a decision—even a small one, such as what to wear to your family reunion. And they might want to know everything about your life, such as how much money you make, the fact that you’re dating someone new, and even just what you did all day on a Saturday.

If you feel very close with your parents, you might not mind sharing most details about your life with them. And if you genuinely find their perspective helpful, you might actually consult them on a range of decisions that you’re planning to make.

But if you feel pressured or obligated to always inform your parents about your life or consult them on your decisions, it’s probably a sign that you’re not comfortable with how involved they are in your life and that you could benefit from having stronger boundaries in place.

• They Violate Your Privacy

Unless you’ve gone missing and your family needs to do everything possible to find you, there’s no reason for your parents to be looking through your phone, computer, email, bank statements, or other personal records. So if your parents do any of these things, it’s a sign that you may need stronger boundaries with them.

When you were a kid, it was important for your parents to keep an eye on what you were doing because you weren’t mature enough to keep yourself safe. But now that you’re an adult, you’re old enough to take responsibility for your actions and your safety. And you’re entitled to privacy when it comes to your personal information.

So unless you’ve chosen to share personal information with them, they shouldn’t be trying to access or view it. And they definitely shouldn’t be trying to view your phone, email, or personal records behind your back.

Whether they’re snooping because they want to know something about your life or they believe that they’re helping to “keep you safe,” their behavior isn’t appropriate. And it’s absolutely okay for you to disagree with it and work toward putting stronger boundaries in place about it.

• They Constantly Judge You Or Give Unsolicited Advice

It’s perfectly normal and healthy for you and your parents to have different opinions or approaches, even when it comes to more serious topics, such as how to manage your money or how to raise kids. And it’s even okay for your parents to respectfully communicate that they disagree with something you’ve said or done.

But what if your parents constantly judge you for your actions and choices, such as who you’ve chosen to marry, where you live, and the moves you’ve made in your career? Or what if they’re always volunteering their advice when you haven’t asked for it—especially in a way that’s pushy?

Those are signs that you might need stronger boundaries in your relationship with your parents.

Like many of the actions I’ve described above, this may be something your parents do because they genuinely believe that they know what’s best for you. But if they’re always (or often) critical of your choices and insist that they know better, it suggests that they don’t respect the fact that you’re capable of and free to make your own decisions. And it also implies that they don’t recognize that it’s you (not them) who’s in the best position to know what’s best for you.

The good news, though, is that you can clarify who the director of your life is by setting stronger boundaries.

• They Interfere in Your Personal Life

Another sign that you could use stronger boundaries with your parents is that they tend to interfere in your personal life.

For example, let’s say that you’ve told your mom that you and your best friend got into a fight and your friend said something insensitive to you. Your mom is furious about your friend’s comment and determined to defend you. So without you knowing about it, your mom calls your friend and tells her off for being unkind to you.

What’s wrong with this situation?

Your mom probably had good intentions and simply wanted to protect you. But the conflict between you and your friend doesn’t involve her. And it’s not her place to interfere in it, especially without talking to you about it first. She could also end up escalating the conflict between you and your friend if your friend gets upset that your mom not only found out about the fight but then came after her for it.

As an adult, it’s up to you to navigate your relationships, your career, and your personal and family life. Plus, you’re the one who has the best knowledge of what’s currently going on in your life and what you need. As a result, you’re the one who’s best suited to tackle the challenges in your life that pop up.

So although there’s no problem with asking your parents for advice from time to time, it’s not appropriate for them to be routinely stepping in to navigate these areas of your life for you.

• They Think They’re Entitled to Do Whatever They Want

You might also need stronger boundaries with your parents if they think they’re entitled to do whatever they want related to your life. This can take many forms. But it essentially comes down to a parent believing that, “I’m your mom/dad, so I can do whatever I want to.”

If one or both of your parents have a belief like this, they might believe that it’s perfectly okay for them to show up at your house unannounced, share photos of you online without asking for consent, or let your kids watch a particular TV show even if you’ve explicitly told your parents that it’s not age appropriate.

This type of overstepping often stems from a belief that because your parents are your parents and you are their (adult) child, boundaries are unnecessary and even inappropriate. Your parents might even think that you “owe” them free rein over your life for all that they invested into raising you as a child.

The reality, though, is that YOU are the one who’s entitled to determine what does and doesn’t happen in your life, not your parents. You get to decide when someone comes over to your house, what personal information about you gets shared online, and what TV shows your kids are allowed to watch. These kinds of decisions might have been your parents’ decisions in the past. But now that you’re an adult, the decision making power rests squarely in your hands.

• They Don’t Take “No” For an Answer

Lastly, you might want to consider setting stronger boundaries with your parents if they won’t take “no” for an answer.

It’s normal and appropriate for your parents to ask you for things, such as getting a ride to a doctor’s appointment, helping out at a party they’re hosting for their friends, or watching their house while they’re on vacation.

But you have every right to say “no,” and it’s their job to respect the decision you make.

For example, your parents might want you to housesit for them while they’re on vacation. But if they live 2 hours away from you and you can’t abandon your work and other family responsibilities for the duration of their 2-week vacation, you might decide to say “no.”

If, after you say “no,” your parents try to guilt trip you for it or pressure you into changing your mind, it suggests that they don’t respect your decisions and autonomy. And if they have a tendency to act like this on a regular basis, it’s a sign that you could benefit from having stronger boundaries in your relationship with them.

Do YOU Need Better Boundaries With Your Parents?

Your parents are probably important people in your life. And it’s normal for them to want the best for you, want to know what’s going on in your life, and want regular contact with you.

But if your parents have a tendency to overstep in any of the ways that I’ve described above, it’s a sign that you might need stronger boundaries in your relationship with them.

Setting stronger boundaries with your parents helps you regain control of your life, protect your time and energy, limit resentment or anger toward your parents, and improve your relationship with them by making your wishes and expectations clear.

But because your parents might be used to being highly involved in your life and may even feel entitled to exercise control over it, it can be especially tricky to set boundaries with them.

That’s why in my next two blog posts, I’m going to focus specifically on HOW to set effective boundaries with parents when you’re an adult. So be sure to keep your eyes open for them!

In the meantime, I encourage you to identify WHAT boundaries you want to set (or strengthen) with your parents. Because if you want to be able to set effective boundaries with your parents, you need to know what your wants, needs, and limits are related to your relationship with them.

To help you do this, I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called My Personal Compass.

The My Personal Compass worksheet will help you develop a better understanding of the boundaries that are right for you so that you can set the boundaries that you actually need with your parents.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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