SELF-CARE: 4 Boundaries You Need With Your Parents When You’re in a Relationship + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet

Did you catch what I shared in my previous blog post—the one about how to set healthy boundaries with your parents?

In that post, I shared that for a long time, I didn’t know that my relationship with my parents lacked healthy boundaries. And I didn’t understand that the relationship and my own well-being were suffering as a result.

I’ve also shared with you before that it’s important to know the signs that your relationship with your parents lacks healthy boundaries. Because it’s only once you realize that these boundaries are missing that you can work toward putting them in place and enjoying a healthier and less stressful relationship.

But here’s what some of you might be thinking:

My parents do give me unsolicited advice or call me out of the blue all the time. Up until this point, though, I haven’t really set any boundaries with them about it because it seemed easier to just put up with it. But now I have a romantic partner. He has different feelings about the situation and believes that it’s time to set some limits. Is my partner overreacting, or does he have a point? Do I need to take a different approach to setting boundaries with my parents?

My dear, the course of action that’s right for you depends on the specifics of your needs, your partner’s needs, the needs of your relationship, and your parents’ behavior.

But what I can tell you is that you’re right to wonder whether you need to take a different approach to setting boundaries with your parents now that you have a romantic partner.

Because being in a romantic relationship changes the calculus about boundaries. When you’re in a romantic relationship, it isn’t just your needs that matter. Your partner’s needs and the needs of the relationship matter too.

You might be willing to put up with your parents always stopping by unannounced or trying to get involved in your finances, but your partner might not feel the same way. And if you and your partner aren’t getting the privacy and intimacy you need to nurture your connection and make the decisions that are right for BOTH of you, it sets the stage for conflict and unhappiness in the relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, this blog post is for YOU.

Because in it, I break down 4 types of boundaries that are ESSENTIAL to set with your parents when you’re in a romantic relationship.

These boundaries are incredibly important for protecting your romantic relationship while also building a stronger relationship with your parents. And although I’m going to discuss them in the context of romantic relationships here, they’re also great boundaries to have with your parents if you’re a single adult.

Ready to find out what these boundaries are?

Let’s go!

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• Time Boundaries

Boundaries related to your time and availability are especially important to establish with your parents when you’re in a romantic relationship. Why? Because your time and the way that you allocate it to different parts of your life is something that can change drastically once you’re in a relationship. And this can be hard for parents to recognize, understand, and accept.

Before you were in a romantic relationship, your parents might have been one of your top priorities. You might have spent a lot of time with them, called or texted them often, and even regularly shared meals or done activities together. And your parents were probably used to being a top priority for you.

But now that you have a partner, you have another person and another relationship that needs your time and energy. And if you care about your partner and are serious about the relationship, they have probably become your top priority now.

Even if your parents are fully supportive of your romantic relationship, it might be hard for them to recognize that although you still love and care about them, you don’t have the same amount of time to devote to them as you used to. This is when it becomes especially important to set boundaries with them related to your time and availability.

For example, if your mom repeatedly calls you when you’re enjoying date nights with your partner, you might benefit from setting a boundary about when you are vs. aren’t available to take her calls during the week. Specifically, you might tell her that you’re available to take her calls on weekend mornings or afternoons, but not in the evenings when you’re spending time with your partner. Or you might simply let her know that you’re not available all the time and might not answer her calls when you’re on a date.

• Physical Boundaries

Before you were in a romantic relationship, you might have been okay with your parents showing up at your house unannounced or coming to stay with you with no clear departure date. But now that you have a partner, you need to think of their needs and the needs of your relationship too. They might not be keen on treating your home as an open house for your parents, especially if the two of you share the home. And even if your partner also doesn’t really mind it, it’s important for your relationship to have physical privacy and space at times.

The specific physical boundary that you set with your parents will depend on what they’re currently doing that doesn’t work for you, your partner, or your relationship. For example, if your parents often show up at your house without telling or asking you beforehand, you might want to set a boundary about checking with you first. If, on the other hand, your parents overstay their visit when they come over, you might benefit from setting a boundary about how long they can be at your house for and what time they need to leave by.

Note that setting physical boundaries can get tricky if you and your parents share a home. This might happen if you need financial support from your parents or they need financial support or care for you.

If you live with your parents, your physical boundaries will look a bit different, but they’re still important to consider. For example, you might set a boundary about when your bedroom or your part of the home is off limits to them. In any case, though, it’s helpful to remember that open, kind, and honest conversation is the key to healthy relationships.

• Relationship Involvement Boundaries

There’s nothing wrong with your parents being part of the life that you and your partner share. But just as it could be unhealthy and inappropriate for them to get involved in your relationships with friends and other loved ones, it could be inappropriate for them to get involved in your relationship with your partner.

Remember that a romantic relationship needs privacy to develop and thrive. And it’s important for certain issues and decisions to remain between you and your partner. You and your partner should both be able to trust that the things you share with one another in confidence aren’t being passed on to other people. And it’s important to have the space to navigate challenges in your relationship without other people chiming in or trying to get involved in other ways.

Of course, there may be situations where it’s appropriate to talk to your parents about something that’s going on in your romantic relationship (e.g., a domestic violence issue or when you need extra support from them). But even in this case, it’s important to have clear boundaries about how your parents can support you following the conversation.

Although I can’t tell you what is vs. isn’t appropriate for you (only YOU can define this), it’s essential for your parents to know how they’re able to be involved in your life with your partner and where they need to give the two of you some space to navigate your relationship on your own.

• Financial Boundaries

And last but definitely not least, if you and your partner share finances or make shared financial decisions, it’s also important to have financial boundaries with your parents.

When you were single, you might have consulted with your parents when making financial decisions or even accepted loans from them. But when you’re in a relationship, it’s important for you and your partner to be on the same page about financial boundaries with your parents.

That advice from your parents about which house to buy or whether you can afford that new car may not have seemed like a big deal when the conversation was all about money that belonged just to you. But let’s say that your partner doesn’t appreciate that your parents know the details of your shared finances or are always chiming in about what you can and can’t afford. In this case, it’s important to have open communication between you and your partner and between you and your parents about how your parents can (or can’t) participate in financial decisions and conversations.

Of course, if you’re both truly okay with it, it might make sense to occasionally consult a parent about a specific financial decision or ask for tax advice. But if there’s tension in your relationship because of your parents’ involvement, it’s important to have an honest conversation with your partner about your respective values related to money and family and then make a decision about the boundaries that may be helpful to set with your parents.

Protect Your Relationship by Setting Boundaries with Your Parents

When you’re in a romantic relationship, setting healthy boundaries with your parents doesn’t just help you meet your own needs. It also protects your partner’s needs and the needs of your relationship, prevents tension and conflict in the relationship, and gives the relationship the privacy and space it needs to thrive.

So even if these boundaries didn’t seem like a big deal to you when you were single, it’s only fair to you and your partner to reconsider them once you’re in a relationship. In particular, it’s important to consider setting clear time, physical, relationship, and financial boundaries to define how your parents can be involved in your and your partner’s life in a healthy way.

As I emphasized in the post, the specific boundaries that you set in each of the four categories will depend on the specific needs that you and your partner have. You might also have other types of boundaries that you need to set with your parents to protect your relationship.

What if you aren’t quite sure about what these are? Grab a copy of the FREE My Personal Compass worksheet.

It’ll help you identify the specific boundaries that are right for YOU to set with your parents so that you can protect your romantic relationship and create healthier bonds between you, your partner, and your parents.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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