SELF-CARE: How to FINALLY Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Parents (Without Chickening Out Again) + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet

I have a confession to make: I really enjoy talking to you about setting healthy boundaries with parents.

Why?

Because it’s a topic that’s near and dear to my heart.

If you’ve read my blog posts before, you might know that I used to lack healthy boundaries in my relationship with my parents.

You see, when I was growing up, I was taught to place the needs of the people around me, especially my family, above my own. So I pretty much always said “yes” to my parents, did what they wanted me to do, and let them call the shots.

And for a long time, I didn’t even realize that our relationship had this dynamic because it lacked healthy boundaries. (If you’re wondering whether YOUR relationship with your parents needs better boundaries, check for these 7 signs.)

However, even once I knew that I needed to put better boundaries in place with my parents, I had a hard time setting them.

One of the reasons why I struggled was because I thought that by setting boundaries with my parents, I’d be disregarding my duty to meet their needs. And this made me feel very, very guilty.

But that wasn’t the only reason why I struggled to set the boundaries that I knew I needed with my parents.

The other issue was that I didn’t know HOW to actually set these boundaries. I didn’t know what I needed to do to go from knowing that I needed better boundaries to actually having them in place with my parents.

And so for a while, I didn’t do anything. I kept my mouth shut, kept doing exactly what my parents wanted (when they wanted it), and kept feeling a bit resentful.

If this is similar to what you’re experiencing,  I truly don’t want this for YOU.

I don’t want you to have to deal with the resentment, frustration, and exhaustion for as long as I did. (Because even one more day of feeling this way is one day too much.)

That’s why in this blog post, I’m going to break down HOW to finally set healthy boundaries with your parents—without chickening out again.

Are you ready to learn what to do to stop feeling burned out, regain control of your life, and even improve your relationship with your parents?

Awesome!

Let’s dive in.

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Identify The Specific Boundaries You Need

You might know that your parents aren’t respecting your independence, space, privacy, or time. And you might know that the solution is to put better boundaries in place with them.

But before you can actually put these boundaries in place, you need clarity on what they actually are. In other words, you need to identify the specific boundaries that you want to set in your relationship with your parents.

To do this, think about the areas of your relationship with your parents that make you feel upset, resentful, frustrated, uncomfortable, or guilty.

For example, when you reflect on your relationship, you might recognize that you need healthier boundaries with your mom related to phone calls and text messages. Your mom calls and texts you repeatedly during workdays and expects you to answer or respond immediately. This creates a lot of stress for you because it disrupts your workday and takes your focus away from the work you need to be doing and the meetings you need to be participating in attentively.

When you identify the specific issue that you need a boundary for, think about what you need from the other person or what you need to be different in the situation. This will form the basis of your boundary, so be as specific as possible about what you need.

In the example with your mom always calling and texting, you might recognize that you need your mom to call and text only outside of your working hours (9 a.m. to 5 p.m.) unless it’s a true emergency.

Notice that in this case, you aren’t just saying that you need your mom to call and text less or even that you need her to avoid calling you during your work hours. Specify what time your mom can or can’t contact you so that when you communicate this as a boundary, your mom knows EXACTLY when you aren’t available to take her calls or texts.

When you reflect on your relationship with your parents, take the time to identify all of the problem areas in your relationship and what specifically you need instead.

Communicate Your Boundary Clearly & Without Blame

Let’s use our previous scenario.

When you’re frustrated, for example, because your mom has called you for the 5th time during your workday, it can be tempting to blow up and tell her off.

But as good as it might feel initially, you want to avoid blurting out something like, “For heaven’s sake, STOP calling me!!! How many times do I have to tell you that I’m at work???"

Why? Because it’s going to make your mom feel attacked. What do people do when they feel attacked? They get defensive. And defensive people rarely open their ears and heart to what you’re trying to say.

So instead of lashing out, focus on communicating your boundary clearly and without blame. This means that you calmly and respectfully tell your mom what you need to be different in the relationship without pointing fingers at her.

A good way to do this is to use what are called I statements. I statements allow you to express what isn’t working for you in a situation and what you need to be different by focusing on you and your needs rather than on blaming the other person.

For example, to set a boundary with your mom about calls and texts, you might decide to talk to her one day after work or on the weekend (when you don’t have to worry about rushing off to another meeting or getting back to work).

During this conversation, you might say something like, “When you call or text me during the workday and want me to answer or respond immediately, I feel stressed because I’m usually right in the middle of something that I can’t leave to answer a personal call or text. Going forward, if you want to call me on a working day, I would prefer if you call before 9 a.m. or after 5 p.m. so that I won’t be in the middle of work. How does this sound?”

I statements allow you to clearly communicate the boundary that you’re putting in place with your mom without being rude to her or blaming her for anything. Although they don’t guarantee that your mom won’t react negatively to what you’ve said, they are less likely to make her angry or defensive and more likely to make her open and receptive to your boundary.

Be Compassionate

When you’re setting a boundary with your parents, it’s important to be assertive so that they know that you mean business. But this doesn’t mean that you can’t be compassionate. In fact, the more that you can weave compassion into the conversation, the better chance you have of minimizing defensive reactions and hurt feelings.

What specifically can you do to be compassionate when communicating a boundary with your parents? You can make a clear effort to actively listen to what they have to say and show that you’re open to having a conversation rather than just delivering a speech and then walking away once you’ve said your part.

You can also validate their feelings and acknowledge that you understand where they’re coming from (as long as their actions aren’t intentionally hurtful or abusive). For example, when you set a boundary about when your mom can call or text you, you can say, “I know that you want to stay in touch on a regular basis and hear my voice. I want to stay in regular touch too. Here’s what would work for me…”

Validating the other person’s feelings can be a great way to deescalate a conversation or keep the tension to a minimum because in many cases, people don’t want to argue; they just want to be heard.

There are lots of ways that you can show compassion while putting a boundary in place. But in any case, making the effort to be compassionate will show your parents that even though you need to put a boundary in place, you still love and respect them.

Set One Boundary at A Time

If you’ve noticed that you’re lacking healthy boundaries in your relationship with your parents, there’s a good chance that you need to set more than one healthy boundary with them.

It might be tempting to set all of these boundaries at once to just “get the process over with.” But trying to set multiple boundaries at once can be overwhelming for you and your parents. That’s why I suggest setting one boundary at a time.

Remember that change can be scary for many people. So if you try to set multiple boundaries at once with your parents, they might panic at the sheer number of (seemingly big) changes to your relationship and shut down or lash out.

When you instead set one boundary at a time, you introduce one change to the relationship at a time so that it’s less overwhelming to you and your parents. It also gives all of you some time to adjust to the boundary before putting another one in place.

Give Them Time to Adjust

As I just mentioned, when you set a boundary with your parents, it can seem like a really BIG change in your relationship (at least to them). So it’s important to give them time to adjust to it and be open to the fact that their initial reaction doesn’t define how they’ll feel in the long term.

When you set a boundary with your parents, it’s possible that they’ll immediately accept and respect it without much pushback. But it’s also possible that they’ll get upset, lash out at you, or resist your request.

If your parents respond negatively at first, stay consistent in enforcing the boundary, but give your parents time to adjust and come around to it. They might just need some time to process what you’ve said and accept that your relationship is going to look a bit different going forward than it did before. Plus, once they know that you’re serious about your boundary and that they can’t pressure or guilt trip you into changing it, they might understand that if they want to maintain their relationship with you, they’ll have to respect your wishes.

Of course, it’s also possible that your parents won’t come around to your boundary and will continue to violate it no matter what you do. This can be incredibly painful and stressful to realize. But it also gives you valuable information: that your parents might not be ready to be in a healthy relationship with you right now. Knowing this can help you take steps to create some healthy space between yourself and your parents so that you can protect yourself and redirect your energy toward the people in your life who ARE ready to be part of it in a healthy way.

Redefine Success

When you set a boundary with your parents, you might believe that you NEED to get your parents to respect your boundary or recognize that it’s valid. But that’s not what success looks like when it comes to boundary setting. Why? Because boundary setting isn’t about the other person—your parents in this case. It’s about YOU.

Remember, setting a boundary with your parents is all about communicating what does and doesn’t work for you in the relationship. It’s not about your parents’ feelings, opinions, needs, or actions, which are all out of your control.

What is in your control is your ability to lovingly but firmly communicate your boundary on a consistent basis. If you’ve done this, you’ve succeeded. You’ve succeeded in communicating what you need. And as a result, you’ve probably succeeded in getting some of your time, energy, or space back.

You CAN Confidently Set Boundaries With Your Parents

The idea of setting boundaries with your parents can be daunting—especially if you’re used to just going along with what they say, letting them call the shots, or minimizing your voice in the relationship.

But when you know HOW to actually set these boundaries, it takes the mystery out of the process. And it makes boundary setting feel much more feasible.

So if you know that you could benefit from setting better boundaries with your parents, use the tips I’ve shared above. They’ll help you set your boundaries effectively but compassionately and build confidence in your boundary setting skills over time.

Now, you might remember from the beginning of the post that before you can actually set healthy boundaries with your parents, you need to know which boundaries are right for you to set. Above, I share some brief pointers on how to do this. But if you’re looking for more help or want to get as much clarity on your needs as possible, grab a copy of the FREE My Personal Compass worksheet.

It’ll help you identify the boundaries that are right for YOU to set with your parents so that you can take back control of your time and energy, feel happier and less stressed, and enjoy a healthier relationship with your parents.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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