SELF-CARE: Why You Might Be a Trauma Survivor—And Not Even Know It + FREE Self-Love Weekly Planner

I have a question for you: have you experienced trauma in your life?

When you read my question, you might have almost automatically thought, “No, I don’t think so.”

And that’s because many of us tend to believe that trauma is something relatively rare that someone experiences if they’re involved in a violent crime, a natural disaster, or a major accident.

But the reality is that you can experience trauma even if you haven’t been assaulted, seriously injured in a car accident, or lived in a warzone.

Because trauma isn’t something that we experience only in response to “extreme” situations and experiences.

Instead, it’s something that nearly all of us have likely experienced at some point in our lives. And unless we’ve done deep inner work to address it, it may still be affecting our physical health, our happiness, and our relationships today.

So, is it possible that you’re a trauma survivor and don’t even realize it?

Keep reading below to find out.

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What We Think Trauma Is

Trauma seems like a fairly straightforward concept. But the reality is that we often think of trauma either too narrowly or too broadly.

As I mentioned above, when we think of trauma, we often think of catastrophic experiences that nearly result in death. These might include experiences involving physical assault or abuse, armed robbery, tornadoes, serious accidents, or war. When we think of trauma in this way, it has the effect of making it seem rare or exceptional because most of us, fortunately, haven’t had these extreme experiences. And as a result, we assume that most people, ourselves included, are not dealing with trauma.

It's true that in recent years, trauma has become increasingly normalized as more and more people have been willing to discuss their experiences of trauma openly. For example, celebrities Oprah Winfrey, Mick Jagger, and Alanis Morissette have all spoken publicly about trauma that they’ve experienced and grappled with in their lives. And even on social media, it’s not uncommon to see people from all walks of life opening up about past trauma and how it affects their life today.

This greater openness to exploring and discussing trauma is, of course, wonderful. However, it has also had the effect of making “trauma” a bit of a buzzword. That’s why you might hear people throw the word around casually and say things like, “it was traumatic that he didn’t show up to my birthday dinner” or “I’m traumatized because she said she would call, but she didn’t.” In other words, there’s a tendency these days to refer to anything even remotely difficult or painful as traumatic.

As I’ll get to in a minute, trauma is subjective. So I can’t define what’s traumatic for you, just as you can’t define what’s traumatic for me. However, when we overapply the term “trauma,” we create confusion about what trauma is—for both ourselves and others. And we make it more difficult to recognize when we either experience it ourselves or see it in others.

So What Is Trauma Then?

The English word “trauma” comes from the Greek word trauma, which literally means “wound.” So it’s not surprising that trauma experts, such as Dr. Gabor Maté and Dr. Peter Levine, consider trauma to be a lasting internal wound that forms following a difficult event.

From this perspective, trauma isn’t the specific event that happens to us—the serious car accident, the terrifying hurricane, or the humiliating childhood experience. It’s what happens within us as a result of the event. In other words, trauma is a psychic injury that persists long after the traumatic event ends. It sits deep within our mind and body, but it can be triggered at any time by anything that reminds us of the original traumatic event.

When we think of trauma as an internal wound, it becomes clear that an experience can be traumatic even if it isn’t something that would be catastrophic and we were never in any physical danger. For example, divorce can threaten your sense of self, jeopardize your mental health, lead to a loss of other relationships, and drastically change your financial stability—even if it’s a relatively amicable split. So even though some people may be able to carry on with their lives relatively well (and even thrive) right after a divorce, others may experience it as traumatic because it creates a lasting psychic wound.

Similarly, for some people, getting terminated from a job they love might initially trigger feelings of sadness, disappointment, and even anger. But they might soon be able to overcome these emotions and move on. Other people, however, might be deeply wounded by the experience because it leads them to question and doubt their self-worth. As a result, they may experience trauma.

Most of us have had some sort of experience in our life that had a lasting impact on what we believed about ourselves, how we perceived the world, or how we felt day-to-day. And as a result, most of us have experienced some form of trauma—whether we realize it or not.

In the majority of cases, this trauma isn’t the result of a friend not showing up for a birthday dinner or a blood draw being slightly more painful than it normally is. Instead, it’s often the result of an experience that has a more profound effect on the way that we see ourselves or the world. For many people, trauma develops because of early childhood experiences in which they didn’t receive the love, care, and safety that they needed from a caregiver. But it can also happen at any stage of life, including after experiences of betrayal, breach of trust, violation, and perceived failure.

Because trauma often lies deep within us and most of us aren’t aware of what “counts” as traumatic, we often fail to recognize the trauma that we carry with us each day. And as a result, we may not realize how this trauma affects our actions, decisions, experiences, and relationships today.

How Trauma Shapes Our Present and Future

There’s a common misconception that trauma only has a lasting impact on someone’s life if it triggers PTSD—post-traumatic stress disorder. But the truth is that past trauma may be continuing to shape your life today even if you don’t experience flashbacks, startle easily, or feel like you always have to be on the lookout for danger.

That’s because according to Dr. Levine in his book Trauma and Memory, traumatic experiences “can alter a person’s biological, psychological, and social equilibrium to such a degree that the memory of one particular event comes to taint, and dominate, all other experiences, spoiling an appreciation of the present moment.” When traumatic experiences become embedded in the body and mind like this, the thoughts and feelings associated with them can become triggered by anything that resembles the original experience.

In this way, trauma can shape our behavior, choices, and perceptions of the world. And it has the potential to affect the romantic partners we choose and attract, how we interact with our loved ones, the way we parent our kids, the opportunities we pursue, and the way that we generally feel on a daily basis.

That’s why when you snap at your partner because they were late to meet you for dinner, it might not actually be your partner’s tardiness that bothers you. Instead, their behavior might trigger past wound that lies deep within you and sets you up to react to the current situation in an unhealthy way.

I’ll dive deeper into how trauma becomes embedded in our bodies and minds in an upcoming post. So stay tuned to learn more about how we unknowingly hold on to trauma long after the traumatic experience ends.

“Will Trauma Limit My Life Forever?”

Before I wrap up this post, I want to address one more myth about trauma: that it represents permanent, life-long physical or psychological damage.

It’s true that trauma isn’t something that you can overcome by simply flipping a switch or deciding that you won’t let it affect your life anymore. After all, we’ve talked above about how trauma is a deep-seated wound that becomes embedded in your body and mind. And just like you can’t decide that a broken arm isn’t broken anymore, you can’t simply decide that your trauma doesn’t exist anymore.

But just because you’re (knowingly or unknowingly) dealing with trauma right now doesn’t mean that it has to hinder your life forever. You may not be able to completely erase the trauma from your life and memory. But with the right help and approach, you can effectively confront it, process it, let it go, and heal from it. And when you do this, you can acknowledge your past and the impact that it has had on you without letting it limit your relationships, life, or happiness in the present and future.

If you think you might be ready to begin your journey of healing from trauma, I invite you to schedule a FREE strategy session with me. During the session, we’ll chat about where you’re at right now, what you’re struggling or dealing with, and how we can work together one-on-one to help you heal from your trauma and live a happier and healthier life. Then, after the session, you can decide if working together is the right next step for you. Click below to schedule a Free Strategy Session with me.

And in the meantime, grab a copy of my FREE self-love weekly planner. It’ll help you get to know and take care of yourself so that you’re in the right psychological and spiritual space to address your trauma and begin your journey of healing.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.  

Until next time!

Vera

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