SELF-CARE: Why We Try So Hard to Change the People We Love (Even Though We Can’t) + FREE Self-Care Time Hacker

No matter how much you want to, you can’t change someone you love.

You’ve seen me talk about this on my blog. And you’ve probably heard it from someone else in your life too.

But you might still think, “My situation is different. Because I just KNOW that if I try hard enough or stick with it long enough, I can get my loved one to change. And then everything will be better.”

My dear, if that thought has run through your mind even while reading my post about why you can’t change other people, I don’t blame you.

Because I know from my own experience that our desire to change someone we love can be so, so strong.

In fact, it can be so strong that even when we’re told that we can’t change our loved one, we might still believe that we’re the exception or that our relationship is the exception. We might think that even if other people usually can’t change their loved one, we can. (And if we believe in it so much, surely we must be able to make it happen, right?)

So where does this desire to change others come from? (And why is it so strong?)

That’s what I’d like to dive into with you in this blog post. 

Because when we understand where our desire to change others comes from, we can begin to recognize why we actually can’t fulfill it. And we can begin to approach our relationship and our loved one’s behavior in ways that are healthier for us and our relationship.

Let’s get to it.

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It’s Easier To Blame Others

One reason why we often feel so compelled to change others is because it’s easier to focus on them than to look within ourselves.

When our loved one does something that bothers us—whether it’s pushing our boundaries, drinking heavily, or being emotionally closed off with us—it’s easier to label them as the problem and believe that the only solution is to change them.

As humans, we’re motivated to see ourselves in a positive light. So it’s much harder for us to look within ourselves and consider why our loved one’s behavior bothers us in the first place, what role we may play in contributing to the behavior or other unhealthy dynamics in the relationship, and what we could benefit from changing about ourselves.

For example, if your new partner doesn’t open up to you emotionally, you might think that they are the problem because they aren’t taking the step to confide in you or share personal information about their life. And so you might think that you need to change them by convincing them to open up to you more.

What you might not think about is why it bothers you that your partner doesn’t open up to you emotionally. What does their behavior make you think? How does it make you feel?

You might also not consider how you might be contributing to this dynamic in your relationship. For instance, perhaps your partner doesn’t open up to you emotionally because you haven’t fully demonstrated that you will support them and protect the information they share with you unconditionally.

When you take the time to think about both your loved one’s role in the relationship dynamic AND your own, you can develop a more complete understanding of the situation.

You can say, “Yes, my loved one doesn’t fully open up to me emotionally, and it makes me feel unloved and limits the intimacy in our relationship. At the same time, I can see why especially at this early stage in our relationship, there could be more that I could do to fully earn my partner’s trust and help them feel safe when we talk. I can also recognize that even though I might feel unloved when my partner doesn’t open up, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love me. And I know that there are things that I can do to manage my emotions so that they don’t consume me or lead me to do things that would only reinforce my partner’s behavior.”

Of course, I’m not saying that your loved one doesn’t have any role to play in the situation or that there’s nothing that they could do differently. Instead, what I want to emphasize is that in these situations, we tend to focus exclusively on our loved one’s role in the situation or their responsibility to change without considering our own.

We’re A Caretaker Or “Fixer”

Another reason why we might have a strong desire to change or fix others is because we may have learned to take on the role of a caretaker or “fixer” in our relationships. This typically happens as a result of our early life experiences.

If you’re a caregiver or fixer, you might have grown up in a home with unhealthy and turbulent relationships. For example, you might have had a parent who was physically or mentally ill, struggling with drug or alcohol abuse, or lacking emotional maturity. Or there might have been a lot of conflict between your parents or among family members in your household.

As a child, you might have learned that the best way to stay safe and to keep things “under control” in an environment like this was to take care of your parent, caregiver, or family member and focus on meeting their needs (perhaps at the expense of your own). Being a caretaker or fixer or being “needed” by your parent or family member might have also given you a sense of purpose or made you feel worthy as a person.

So what happened when you became an adult? You kept taking on the caretaker or fixer role in your relationships. After all, that’s what used to make you feel safe and worthy when you were a kid. So it only makes sense that you would take the same approach to relationships now and try to change or fix a loved one who seems to be doing something “wrong.”

In extreme cases, this behavioral pattern of being a caregiver or fixer can set the stage for a codependent relationship. A codependent relationship is a type of unhealthy relationship in which one person is the caregiver and the other person benefits from the caregiving.

The textbook example of codependency is when one partner has a drug or alcohol addiction and the other person focuses on taking care of them and fulfilling their needs to the point where they end up enabling the addiction. However, codependency can develop around other types of unhealthy or unwanted behaviors too.

As you can see, in a codependent relationship, the caretaker’s focus is external. They focus on fulfilling their loved one’s needs and doing things that they believe will help their loved one “get better” or “improve.” The caretaker may also need to take care of or fix their loved one to feel validated and have a sense of purpose (instead of being able to look within themselves for this). In other words, they may develop a need to be needed. This only encourages them to keep playing the role of a caretaker and trying to care for and “fix” their loved one.

Given that caretakers often heavily sacrifice their needs to focus on their loved one, it’s common for them to lose sight of who they are, what’s important to them, and what they actually need to be happy. That’s why when artist Sharon E. Rainey committed to healing from codependency and prioritizing herself, she embraced the mantra “No more martyring myself.” Because when you’re the caretaker in a codependent relationship, you might be so invested in taking care of your loved one and “helping them change” that you sacrifice yourself.

We Have A High Desire For Control

We can also feel compelled to change others if we have a high desire for control rooted into our personality.

According to Professor Jerry Burger, people differ in how much they desire to have control over events or situations in their life. People who have a high desire for control prefer being the ones to make decisions and take charge of situations. They often want to influence the people around them. And they tend to feel compelled to step in when they think that something isn’t going the way that it should.

If we have a high desire for control and our loved one behaves in a way that we believe is “wrong” or problematic, we might feel compelled to control the situation by intervening and changing them. We may believe that just like we can resolve an issue at our child’s school or take charge of a project at work, we can fix our loved one’s behavior.

The reality, however, is that this high desire to control our loved one’s behavior doesn’t actually give us the ability to control the behavior. And as a result, when we try to change our loved one or try to convince them to take the steps they need to change, we may end up feeling disappointed or frustrated that our efforts aren’t “working.”

Our Desire To Change Others Can Be Deep Seated

Even if you know that you can’t change a loved one, you may have a hard time accepting this fact.

And if you do, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you or you’re being irrational. Because as I’ve shown you above, our desire to change others can be really deep seated.

Specifically, we may feel compelled to change others because we’re motivated to absolve ourselves of blame while pointing fingers at others. We may be predisposed to desire high control over the events and situations in our lives, including the behavior of our loved ones. Or we may have had past experiences that taught us that caring for and “fixing” our loved ones was the best way to ensure our safety and happiness.

Understanding where our desire to change others comes from is helpful for two reasons. First, when you recognize how deep seated this desire is, it’s easier to give yourself some grace when you struggle to let go of trying to change someone. And second, it allows you to understand what YOUR desire to change others is rooted in specifically and what you may need to address before you can fully let go of it and redirect your energy inward.

Now, no matter what your desire to change others is rooted in, it’s helpful to shift your attention to what you can control: yourself. And one great way to not only focus on your needs but also get the chance to reconnect with and discover yourself is to make time for self-care.

But I know that carving out time for yourself often isn’t easy to do. So I created a FREE resource for you called the Self-Care Time Hacker.

It’ll help you begin to redirect your attention and energy toward yourself on a regular basis so that you can fill your emotional tank and find joy.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.  

Until next time!

Vera

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