SELF-CARE: 8 Signs a Relationship Isn’t Right for You & It’s Time to Let Go + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet

Loving someone who won’t change can be incredibly tough. On the one hand, you really care about them and want to keep them in your life. But on the other hand, the relationship often leaves you feeling drained, resentful, disappointed, sad, and maybe even angry.

In recent weeks, I’ve shared how you can navigate a relationship like this in a healthy way. And I’ve chatted about ways to maintain your relationship with your loved one while nixing or at least reducing the stress that it may be creating for you.

But what if the relationship is really taking its toll on you?

What if you don’t really look forward to spending time with your loved one?

What if you just can’t look past the things they do that really bother you or that you don’t agree with?

Or what if having them in your life is starting to eat away at your mental health or affect other areas of your life?

Are these just a “normal” part of having a challenging relationship with someone you love?

Or do they mean that the relationship isn’t right for you at this point in your life and it might be time to put some healthy distance in place or let the relationship go?

My dear, I don’t know the specifics of your particular relationship and the impact that it might be having on your life (both positive and negative). So I can’t tell you whether you should stay in the relationship or take a step back.

But what I can share are some key signs that your relationship might not be right for you at this point and it could be time to step away (even just for a bit).

Keep in mind that none of these signs are definitive indicators that your relationship has run its course. But they are worth paying attention to because they can give you some clarity on how the relationship may be affecting you and conflicting with what’s important to you.

Ready to learn about the 8 signs? Here they are:

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1. Connecting With Them Isn’t Enjoyable Anymore

One important sign that your relationship may not be right for you right now is that you no longer enjoy connecting with your loved one. This can happen when the negative experiences in your relationship outnumber the positive ones.

For example, you might find that you dread an interaction with your loved one more often than you look forward to it (perhaps even to the point of ignoring their calls or cancelling plans with them). There may be more tension or conflict in your relationship than there are positive moments. Or you might find yourself feeling sad, angry, or stressed about the relationship more often than you feel happy or fulfilled.

Sometimes relationships go through rough patches and don’t feel as enjoyable as they used to for a period of time. But if your relationship with your loved one has been dragging you down more than it’s been lifting you up for a while, it may not be right for you right now. As author Brigitte Nicole says, “you’ll know when a relationship is right for you. It’ll enhance your life, not complicate your life.”

2. It feels Like an Obligation

Sometimes we keep a relationship going or stay by someone’s side because we feel obligated to do it. But if you’re staying in a relationship because you think you have to and not because you want to, it’s a sign that the relationship might be worth reconsidering.

When you maintain a relationship with someone out of obligation, you might think that it’s the nice or polite thing to do. Or you might believe that your loved one needs the love, support, or companionship that you give them.

But the truth is that even though staying in a relationship out of obligation seems nice, it actually isn’t nice to either you or your loved one. It forces you to spend your time and energy on a relationship that isn’t fulfilling. And it means that your loved one is spending their energy on someone who doesn’t truly want to be in their life.

3. It’s Draining

Another way to get a better sense of whether your relationship is right for you right now is to think about how you feel after spending time with your loved one.

After you call or spend time with them, do you feel energized, relaxed, or happy? Or do you feel drained and stressed?

If you often feel drained after connecting with your loved one, you might want to reflect on whether it makes sense to keep investing in the relationship.

Keep in mind that healthy relationships take work, so they won’t always feel effortless and carefree. But if it’s usually emotionally exhausting to be around your loved one, the relationship may be taking from your life more than it’s adding to it.

4. It’s Not Meeting Your Needs

What you need from a relationship can differ from one relationship to the next. In a relationship with someone you’re really close with, you may look for love, support, and trust. But in other relationships, you may simply look for respect from the other person.

It doesn’t matter what your needs are in a particular relationship. Instead, what matters is whether your needs are being met. If your relationship with your loved one isn’t meeting your needs because you aren’t getting the respect, love, support, or friendship that you’re looking for, it may make sense to consider whether continuing to invest in the relationship is worth it for you.

5. There’s a Lack of Respect

I just mentioned that even if you don’t need anything else from your relationship, it’s important to have respect from your loved one. It’s also important to respect them.

Respect is especially critical to consider in a relationship with a loved one who won’t change. Because if they do something that bothers you or that you don’t agree with—whether it’s drinking heavily, having a quick temper, or being emotionally reserved—you don’t need to approve of the behavior. But it’s still important to respect them. Likewise, they need to be able to respect you even if they have different values or lifestyle preferences.

6. There’s a Consistent Imbalance in Give and Take

Another sign that a relationship may not be right for you right now is if there’s a consistent imbalance in giving and receiving.

In some relationships, such as the relationship between a parent and a young child or between an adult child and an aging and ill parent, it’s normal to have one person doing most of the giving and the other person doing most of the receiving.

But in most healthy relationships between adults, it’s important to have a balance in give and take over time. This means that both individuals offer care and support to the other person, give the other person time and attention, and put effort into maintaining the relationship.

The give and take ratio doesn’t need to be 50:50 at every moment in the relationship. Because it’s natural that each person in the relationship will have times when they can give more and times when they need to receive more. But it’s important that across time, the giving and receiving feels equitable to both people.

When the giving and receiving remains unbalanced for a long period of time, the relationship can start to feel one sided, unfulfilling, and draining. If you find that you’re always the one to reach out to your loved one, accommodate their schedule and preferences, and offer care and support, it might be time to consider how the relationship is serving you at this point in your life.

7. You Don’t Like Who You Are Around Them

If you’re trying to get clarity on whether someone should be in your life, think about the type of person YOU are when you’re around them. When you spend time with your loved one, are you happy, caring, centered, and confident? Or are you angry, combative, stressed, and insecure?

There’s a quote I love that goes, “be with someone who brings out the best in you, not the stress in you.” Because although other people don’t make us act or feel a certain way, the way that we perceive and respond to their behavior can lead us to feel and act in ways that we don’t like.

If you find that you don’t like the way you feel or act when you’re around your loved one, ask yourself what the relationship brings to your life. If it primarily brings stress, anger, or resentfulness to your life, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

8. You Feel Unsafe or Afraid

Any kind of violence or abuse in a relationship—whether it’s physical, sexual, emotional, or financial—is a major red flag in a relationship and something to take seriously. Because even if your loved one has positive qualities and treats you respectfully sometimes, it’s hard for a relationship to be healthy if there’s a pattern of violence or abuse that isn’t being addressed with professional help.

However, even more subtle toxic patterns can be a sign that it’s time to reconsider the role of a relationship in your life. For example, if you find that you’re always walking on eggshells because you’re scared to trigger your short-tempered partner or you’re afraid to be who you truly are, it may make sense to re-evaluate the relationship. If the relationship brings far more stress and fear to your life than joy and fulfillment, ask yourself whether it’s worth it to continue to invest in the relationship.

Is The Relationship Right for You Right Now?

Relationships don’t always feel like a walk in the park. And it’s normal to go through times when a relationship isn’t as happy and stress free as it once was.

But there can also come a time in any relationship where the challenges outweigh the positives and it’s time to let go.

To get clarity on where YOUR relationship is at, reflect on the 8 signs above. If you notice any of them in your relationship, it doesn’t mean that it’s definitely time to walk away. But if they reveal that the relationship primarily leaves you with negative feelings, usually doesn’t meet your needs, or isn’t healthy for you in other ways, it’s important to take some time to re-evaluate it.

Ask yourself…

• Is this relationship serving me well right now and allowing me to lead the happy, healthy life that I want to lead?
• Do I feel respected, cared for, and safe in the relationship?
• Does this relationship still give me time to invest in other relationships that would lift me up instead of stressing me out?
• Can I be my authentic self in this relationship?

If the answer is “no” to any or all of these questions, it’s absolutely okay to consider putting some distance between you and your loved one or letting the relationship go. (Remember that this doesn’t need to be forever. You can always reconnect with your loved one in the future if the relationship becomes right for you.)

If creating a distance isn’t possible or doesn’t feel right for you at the moment, you may want to consider professional help. Individual therapy can help you gain clarity about where you are in this relationship and assist you in healing emotional wounds that might be in the way of your health and happiness. In addition, couples therapy can help you breakthrough unhealthy relationship patterns so you can create the connection and intimacy that you both desire.

If this is something you’d like to explore or if you want to find out how therapy can help, click below to schedule a Free Consultation Session with me.

But since you’re continuing to read this blog post, I have something else for you. It can be hard to know whether a relationship is right for you without knowing what in general is right for you at this point in your life.

That’s why I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called My Personal Compass.

This worksheet is designed to help you get clarity on your needs, passions, goals, and values so that you can determine if a relationship in your life aligns with what’s most important to your happiness and well-being.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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