Making Room for ME in Relationships: Does Your Relationship Need Boundaries to Be Healthy? + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet

Setting boundaries is about identifying and communicating limits about what is and isn’t okay to you.

Many of us are pretty comfortable with the idea of having boundaries with colleagues, parents, and friends. For example, you probably agree that intimate touching doesn’t belong in the workplace. And you might be 100% sure that no matter what, you never want to discuss your sex life with your parents.

But when it comes to romantic relationships, we often feel awkward or uncomfortable about putting boundaries in place.

Why?

Because we tend to think that if we truly love someone, we shouldn’t need to set limits on them or our relationship with them. After all, aren’t boundaries about keeping people apart?

We might also worry that if we put boundaries in place with our partner, they’ll think that we’re rigid or selfish.

But the reality is that boundaries are just as important in romantic relationships as they are in other types of relationships. In fact, I would go as far as to say that in order for a relationship to be healthy, it needs to have boundaries.

That’s why in this fourth post of my Making Room for ME in Relationships series, I’m talking about why you can’t build a strong bond with someone without putting boundaries in place.

Here’s why boundaries are a critical component of every healthy relationship…

They Create a Foundation for Mutual Respect

As I mentioned above, boundaries are about defining and communicating what kinds of behaviors you’re okay with and what kinds of behaviors you’re not okay with. In other words, you articulate what makes you feel safe, supported, and respected in the relationship and what doesn’t. So when you set boundaries with your partner, you set the stage for a relationship that’s characterized by mutual respect.

When you think about important feelings and behaviors in a relationship, you might be most likely to think about love, passion, and intimacy. But respect is just as important. After all, it’s hard to truthfully say that you deeply love and care about someone if you don’t demonstrate through your actions that you respect them as a person. Setting boundaries sets the stage for respect by encouraging you and your partner to respect each other’s opinions, preferences, and values—which may be distinct.

For example, you might think it’s perfectly fine to use a partner’s car if it’s sitting in the driveway and they’re not using it. Maybe it’s even something you routinely did in previous relationships. But your current partner might feel differently. They might want you to check with them first before you hop in their car and use it to run errands around town.

If your partner sets this boundary in place with you, it gives you an opportunity to show respect for your partner’s needs by checking in with them before using their car. It allows you to honor their needs and wishes even if you don’t share these particular needs and wishes.

So when it comes down to it, when you put boundaries in place in a relationship, it tells your partner how you want to be treated. It allows you to set high standards for the respect and care you deserve. And it helps you attract only those partners who are willing to respect and care about your needs.

They Eliminate the Need for Guessing Games

Everyone has different limits. For instance, some people need a certain amount of alone time away from their partner each week. Other people are perfectly fine with spending all of their time with their partner. As another example, some people think it’s inappropriate for their partner to go out for dinner alone with a member of the sex they’re attracted to whereas other people don’t have an issue with it.

Because your limits are different from someone else’s limits, setting clear boundaries is important for your partner. Why? Because it eliminates the guesswork and communicates exactly what your limits are.

When you don’t set clear boundaries in place, you leave it up to your partner to guess what your limits are. You might not tell your partner what your limits are because you don’t want to rock the boat or you think that your partner should just know what your limits are.

But as I mentioned in my post on why it’s essential to tell your partner what you need, your partner can’t read your mind. There are so many different types of limits that you could have that it’s impossible for your partner to know what your particular limits are. It’s unfair to your partner to make them guess what your limits are. And if you’re leaving it up to them to guess your limits, you’re making it much less likely that your partner will be able to meet your needs by respecting them.

If you don’t set boundaries in place to communicate your limits, it can harm your relationship. After all, if your limits aren’t being respected in the relationship, you’re going to have a hard time feeling truly loved and supported by your partner. And it’ll affect your ability to be a loving partner in return. Whether you decide to stay quiet, lash out at your partner, or behave in a passive-aggressive way, your partner will eventually realize that you’re not happy for some reason. And they might end up feeling frustrated that you never communicated your limits to them from the outset.

This is why it’s so critical to set healthy boundaries with your partner and clearly communicate what these boundaries are. Specifically, it’s not enough to say that you’re not okay with your partner cheating, for example. It’s important to articulate what “cheating” means to you. For example, does it mean sleeping with someone? Kissing someone? Sharing personal secrets with someone? The clearer you are when setting your boundaries, the more likely it is that your partner will be able to honor them successfully.

They Help You Be Your True Self

This may seem a bit counterintuitive. But I always tell my clients that the best way to be a loving partner is to be your true self.

And you know what? Setting healthy boundaries is an important part of being your true self. After all, acknowledging and communicating your limits is really about honoring the relationship you have with yourself. This is because when you set boundaries, you’re simply externally communicating the values and limits that you’ve recognized internally as being important to you.

To put it differently, healthy boundaries are about staying true to yourself by making sure that your needs, goals, and values can be honored. So at its essence, identifying and communicating your boundaries is an act of self-love.

When you prioritize self-love and set boundaries that let you live in alignment with your core needs and values, you’re going to be in a much better position to be a loving and supportive partner than if you’re resentful, frustrated, and happy.

Plus, as I always say, being able to deeply love someone else starts right at home within you. It’s by truly loving YOURSELF that you’re able to truly love someone else, such as your romantic partner. And setting healthy boundaries is part of what will help to get you there.

They Let You Model Healthy Relationship Behavior

Especially if you worry that setting boundaries will make you seem rigid or selfish, you might find it helpful to keep in mind that boundaries don’t need to go just one way. What I mean by this is that you don’t have to be the only one setting boundaries. In fact, when you communicate boundaries to your partner, it shows them that communicating limits to one another is healthy relationship behavior. And it kicks off a conversation that gives them an opportunity to communicate their boundaries to you.

For example, when you tell your partner that you need protected time to meditate alone for an hour two days a week, it communicates to them that it’s okay for each of you to put limits in place to meet your needs. And it conveys that each of you can do this without worrying about judgment or rejection from the other person.

When both of you feel comfortable with setting boundaries in your relationship, you’ll each be more likely to actually communicate your limits to each other. This means that you’ll be in a better position to ensure your own needs are met and to meet your partner’s needs. And it’ll allow the two of you to develop a closer bond and enjoy greater emotional intimacy.

Of course, when you communicate your boundaries, you also model healthy relationship behavior for anyone else who might live with you, such as your kids. This is valuable because TV shows, movies, and books can lead kids (and even adults) to believe that relationships are about giving yourself entirely to another person. So when you set boundaries with your partner, it teaches your kids that it’s normal and healthy to put limits in place so you can prioritize your personal needs.

It’s true that some of the conversations that you have with your partner about boundaries might be most appropriate to have when your kids aren’t within earshot. But in cases where it’s appropriate to talk about boundaries in front of your kids, it can be a great opportunity for them to see a healthy relationship in action.

Relationships Really Do Work Best with Limits

You might have grown up thinking that relationships are about limitless love. So you might have thought that boundaries have no place in romantic relationships or that you’d come across as rigid or selfish if you tried to put them in place with your partner.

But as I’ve explained above, boundaries don’t just work incredibly well in relationships (when they’re reasonable and communicated clearly). They’re a CRITICAL component of any healthy relationship.

Where do you start with setting healthy boundaries effectively with your partner? Within yourself.

What do I mean by this?

Well, before you can communicate your limits to your partner, you need to know what your limits are in the first place. That is, you need to know what your needs are and what kinds of behaviors you are vs. aren’t okay with.

If you’ve never thought deeply about your limits before (which many people haven’t), it can be tricky to uncover them. That’s why I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called My Personal Compass.

It’ll help you understand your limits so that you can set healthy boundaries with your partner and enjoy a loving relationship while meeting your personal needs too.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.

See you again soon!
Vera

P.S. Wondering how to go about actually setting boundaries with your partner once you know what your limits are? You’ll find my top tips in the video I made on how to set boundaries at home without feeling overwhelmed.

SHARE THIS: