Healthy RELATIONSHIPS: 5 Relationship Behaviors That Seem Toxic but Aren’t + FREE Relationship Health Checklist

In my most recent post, I told you about 9 behaviors you should never ignore or downplay in a relationship. As I explained, these relationship red flags don’t automatically spell doom for your future with your partner. But they do tell you that there’s something in the relationship that needs your attention and may be compromising your connection.

Today, I want to look at the other side of the coin and talk about behaviors that people often think are toxic in a relationship but aren’t. These are behaviors that my clients often tell me about when they’re struggling to build a deep, satisfying connection with their partner. And they come up frequently in conversations with couples who are desperate to save their marriage or long-term relationship.

Many of my clients (and people in general) think these behaviors or habits are the root of their relationship problems—or at least major contributors to them. So they’re often pretty surprised to learn that not only are these habits NOT toxic but they’re actually ingredients of a successful partnership.

What’s the problem with misclassifying a behavior or habit as toxic?

It causes you and your partner unnecessary stress if you end up getting upset or pointing fingers at each other over behaviors that actually aren’t problematic.

But what’s even more important is that it distracts you from the REAL issues—the behaviors or habits in your relationship that truly are unhealthy and lead to disconnection rather than connection.

So if you want to build a healthy relationship with your partner and deepen your connection with them, it’s just as important to know which behaviors aren’t actually toxic as it is to know which ones are.

That’s why in this blog post, I’m going to break down 5 relationship behaviors that seem toxic but aren’t.

Let’s go!

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1.  Spending Time Apart

Many of my clients tell me that they feel guilty or selfish for wanting to spend time away from their partner.

Where does this guilt come from? From the romance novels and rom coms that tell us that if we’re in a deep, loving relationship, we should want to spend every waking moment with our partner. We’re taught that strong couples are inseparable and can’t bear to be apart.

But you know what?

Not only is it perfectly normal to spend time apart from your partner, but it’s also HEALTHY.

When you and your partner spend time apart, you’re able to pursue individual hobbies, interests, and passions. You’re also able to build and maintain relationships with separate groups of friends. In short, you’re both able to keep being your true authentic selves.

When you’re both able to be your authentic selves in your relationship, you each have the opportunity to fulfill your personal needs and desires. And when you’re able to do the things that light you up, you’re in a much better position to be happy in your relationship. You’re also able to keep being the person that the other partner fell in love with.

So in sum, spending time apart doesn’t just give you a chance to have some time to yourself or do things that your partner might not enjoy as much as you do. It also allows you to stay in touch with who you are and be a happy, committed partner.

2.  Living with Your Partner’s Flaws

To break down this relationship behavior, let’s talk about the story of Lisa and Marco.

Lisa and Marco have been dating for a few years now. They’ve talked about getting married, but Lisa has been facing a lot of criticism from her family because they think that Marco isn’t right for her. 

You see, Lisa is an extremely organized and conscientious person. She’s the type of person who plans every detail of a vacation well in advance so that she knows exactly what’s going to happen, where she’s going to stay, and how much money everything will cost.

Marco, on the other hand, is more laid back and likes to go with the flow. When left to plan a vacation himself, his style is to book a last-minute one-way flight to a destination and plan the rest of the trip (including additional destinations, accommodations, and the return flight) as he goes along.

Lisa’s family thinks that Marco is disorganized and that Lisa is “settling” by staying with someone who can never seem to plan in advance or be proactive about anything. Some family members even think that she is “blinded” by her love for him and unable or unwilling to see his flaws.

In reality, though, Lisa is completely aware that Marco isn’t the organized planner that she is. His more “disorganized,” spontaneous approach to life isn’t the approach that she generally takes. And it can create challenges, like when Marco was 2 hours late to pick her up at the airport one time because he didn’t check the traffic on the highway ahead of time and leave accordingly.

But she also embraces the fact that it leads to a lot of fun moments (and even less stress sometimes). She’s realized that it can actually feel very liberating to decide on date-night plans on the spot instead of having to spend time making them in advance. And Marco’s spontaneity can make even a pretty mundane week more exciting.

To Lisa’s family, it seems like she’s “settling” for a partner who’s disorganized because she’s hopelessly in love with him. But the truth is that Lisa simply accepts Marco’s lack of organization and loves him in spite of (and sometimes even because of) it. She understands that everyone has flaws (she does too!). And she knows, then, that a healthy relationship comes from finding someone whose flaws you can accept (and even enjoy to some extent).

3.  Hurting Your Partner’s Feelings

You might think that to build and maintain a healthy relationship, you should do everything possible to avoid making your partner feel bad. After all, if you really love your partner, why would you do something that might hurt their feelings?

The truth, though, is that it’s both normal and healthy to inadvertently hurt your partner’s feelings if it’s a byproduct of being honest and transparent with them. A better way to put it is that you shouldn’t avoid being open and honest with your partner even if doing so might hurt their feelings.

For example, let’s say that your partner got into a heated argument with his mom the last time she was over at your house for dinner. Your partner said some pretty unkind things to his mom—to the point where it was a bit cringeworthy for you to witness. So later on in the evening, after his mom has left (feeling incredibly upset, of course), you might wonder what to do. Should you tell your partner that he was unreasonable when talking to his mom? Or should you stay quiet and take his side no matter what?

You might feel tempted to side with your partner no matter what so that you don’t hurt his feelings or make it seem like you’re on his mom’s side. After all, if you love your partner, shouldn’t you have his back no matter what?

But the reality is that the best thing you can do for your partner is to be honest with him. He might not like hearing that he was a bit of a jerk to his mom. And he may get angry initially when you point this out to him. However, by helping him reflect on his behavior more objectively, you’ll put him in a better position to manage the conflict with his mom effectively and repair his relationship with her. That’s ultimately what’s best for him. So it’s by telling him the truth about his behavior that you’re able to support him best.

In sum, we absolutely want to lift our partners up when we’re in a committed relationship. But it’s also completely okay and even helpful to be honest with our partner—even when the truth might sting a bit.

4.  Allowing Conflict to Arise

I often have clients who come to me and say that their relationship is a disaster because they can’t get rid of the conflict in it. When this happens, I have them tell me more about what they and their partner argue about and what they do to resolve the conflict. And you know what I discover? It isn’t the presence of conflict in the relationship that’s the problem. It’s HOW the couple is managing the conflict that’s creating discord.

Strong, healthy relationships aren’t ones that don’t have any conflict. A complete absence of conflict just isn’t realistic when you put two people with their own needs, desires, and preferences together. It’s just like how you can’t expect everything in your home to operate perfectly forever and never need to be repaired.

What matters is WHAT you do with the conflict when it arises. If you and your partner manage conflict ineffectively or try to avoid dealing with it altogether, it sets the stage for resentment, disconnection, and more conflict.

On the other hand, if you and your partner know how to manage conflict successfully, you’re able to overcome disagreements and challenges in your relationship and even use the tough times or differences between the two of you to make your connection stronger.

Of course, it’s one thing for me to sit here and tell you that successfully managing conflict with your partner sets the stage for a strong relationship. It’s another thing to know how to do this—how to cross the bridge from conflict to connection when your partner has forgotten to do the laundry again or wants you to attend a family brunch at the same time as your favorite yoga class.

That’s why I created From Conflict to Ultimate Love—it’s my 6-week live online course that teaches you how to effectively manage triggers and conflict in your relationship so you can enjoy a stronger, more intimate bond with your partner.

You can learn more about From Conflict to Ultimate Love right here.

5.  Being Open to Walking Away

You might think that if you really love your partner, you should be willing to stay in a relationship with them no matter what.

It’s true that when you’re in a healthy relationship, you should feel committed enough to support your partner and stick by them even if they become ill or lose their job. But this doesn’t mean that you should feel obligated to stay in the relationship if you’re sacrificing your well-being to do so.

If you’re in a relationship that’s abusive, unenjoyable, or incompatible with your needs, the healthy thing to do is to walk away—no matter how long you’ve been with your partner for. It doesn’t matter if the relationship used to be better or more compatible with your needs; you don’t owe it to your partner to stick around if one of you has changed and you’re not the right fit for each other anymore.

Breaking up with someone you used to or still care about and shared an intimate bond with can be really heart-wrenching. But remember that when you allow yourself to close the door on a relationship that isn’t working for you anymore, you open the door for one that meets your needs and truly makes you happy.

Not Everything That Seems Toxic Really Is

In my previous post, I told you how important it is to pay attention to red flags. But as you keep an eye out for red flags in your relationship, it’s important to know that not everything that looks like a red flag actually is one.

As I discussed above, some relationship behaviors that seem toxic—like spending time apart and embracing conflict—are actually building blocks of a healthy relationship. It’s helpful to know the difference between real red flags and false ones so that you can identify the areas in your relationship that need your attention and focus on the right behaviors and habits.

If you’re ready to size up the health of YOUR relationship, I’ve got a resource you’ll love: my FREE Relationship Health Checklist.

It’ll help you assess the health of your relationship and identify the specific areas that you and your partner can focus on to build a deeper, more loving connection.

If you realize that you and your partner are struggling to manage conflict in your relationship (maybe you’re always fighting about nothing, snapping at each other, or pissed at the other person), I’ve got something that can help…

…something that can help you overcome triggers and conflict in your relationship with less stress so you can build a more joyful and loving bond with your partner.

It’s called From Conflict to Ultimate Love.

From Conflict to Ultimate Love is my 6-week online course that teaches you how to move past the arguments, negative emotions, and frustration that characterize your relationship and develop a deeper, more intimate connection.

You can learn more details about it or register right here.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.  

Until next time!

Vera

P.S. Hoping that your relationship with your partner will go the distance? Take the guesswork out of the equation and learn exactly what to do to maintain your bond. Watch my video on the #1 thing that successful couples do every day.

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