Conflict in Relationships: The #1 Thing That Most Couples Fight About + FREE Relationship Conflict Decoder

I have a question for you: What’s the most common thing for couples to fight about?

When you see that question, you might scratch your head and think, “Money!” Didn’t you read in a blog post somewhere that couples fight about money more than anything else?

Or…is it sex? Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship, right? So maybe sex is the most common thing for couples to fight about, you think.

But then you think about kids and childcare. Being a parent is stressful, and it means making decisions with your partner every single day. Could it be kids and parenting, then, you wonder? Is that what couples fight about the most?

Well, I’ve got some surprising news for you: None of those topics are what couples are most likely to fight about.

In fact, I have a feeling that the real answer might come as quite the surprise to you!

You won’t have to spend hours searching around the Internet for it, though. Because I’ll be revealing it below—right here in this blog post.

To kick off my new series on conflict in relationships (and, in particular, the myths about it), here’s the #1 thing that most couples fight about.

Keep reading below to find out if this is what you and your partner argue about the most.

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What Do Couples Fight About the Most?

I’ve teased the answer to this question enough in the introduction of this post. And I don’t want to keep stringing you along. So without further ado, here’s what couples fight about the most…

…NOTHING!

Yup, that’s right!

Now, to be clear, when I say “nothing,” I don’t mean that most couples don’t fight. Instead, what I’m saying here is that couples are most likely to fight about those issues that are so small and insignificant that they seem like nothing.

To understand what this looks like, let’s talk about the story of Andrea and Trey.

Andrea and Trey have been together for 7 years and married for the past 2 years. They used to feel like they were almost always on the same page. But lately, they’ve been having arguments that look like this:

After spending hours in front of her computer during a long week, Andrea is looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something with Trey. So she suggests that they “go out and do something.”

Trey would love to get out of the house too, so he enthusiastically agrees with Andrea and suggests that they go for a hike.

Andrea replies by saying that she doesn’t really feel like going for a hike. So Trey suggests grabbing coffee at their favorite coffee house. Andrea sighs and says that she isn’t in the mood for coffee right now. 

Frustrated, Trey asks Andrea what she would like to do. And she simply responds by saying, “I don’t know.”

Trey then explodes and tells Andrea that she’s always so indecisive and always shuts him down when he offers suggestions.

Andrea feels attacked by Trey and storms off while telling him that he’s insensitive and clueless about what she really needs from him.

What are Andrea and Trey fighting about? Not their monthly budget, sex life, or parenting decisions. They’re fighting about how to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon—something so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things that it’s essentially nothing. And yet, they’re exploding at one another, pointing fingers at each other, and storming off.

This example from Andrea and Trey’s relationship might seem silly and over-the-top. But the reality is that this is the most common type of conflict that pops up in relationships. It’s what I see most often in my office, among my students, and with the friends who come to me from time to time for relationship advice.

Why Fighting About Nothing Jeopardizes Your Relationship

If you and your partner tend to fight about nothing the way that Andrea and Trey often do, you might think that it’s annoying but not necessarily a big deal in the long run. After all, what usually happens when you and your partner have one these “silly fights” and explode at each other? Maybe you sulk in the corner or give each other the silent treatment for a little while. But sooner or later, you make up, right?

It’s true that in isolation, a single fight about nothing will almost never be a relationship ender. But because fights about nothing tend to happen again, again, and again in a relationship, they can slowly chip away at your connection with your partner and push you further and further apart from each other.

Why does this happen?

Because when a couple repeatedly fights about nothing, it can shape how they see their partner and the relationship. For example, in the case of Andrea and Trey, Andrea might form the belief that Trey doesn’t make the effort to understand her and meet her needs. Trey, on the other hand, might come to believe that Andrea is high maintenance and only ever focused on what she wants.

In other words, it becomes easy for Andrea and Trey to believe that the other person is more focused on themselves and doesn’t care enough about their partner. This can lead them to each think that they can’t rely on their partner or their relationship to fulfill their need for support and companionship. And over time, these beliefs lead Andrea and Trey to both feel disconnected from each other and unfulfilled in the relationship.

How You Approach “Silly” Fights Matters

Of course, as I like to remind people, conflict is inevitable when you put two people together in a relationship. And even among couples with a strong, healthy bond, silly fights about nothing happen from time to time.

But when you know how to manage conflict effectively, these silly fights don’t push you and your partner apart. In fact, they can even become opportunities to deepen your connection. 

Specifically, when you know how to approach conflict with love and compassion, you can see fights about nothing as a chance to connect with and understand each other at a deeper level. When you both see that the other person is willing to stick out the tough times with you, it increases your trust in your partner and your relationship. You recognize that you can count on each other to be there for support and meet each other’s needs.

So when you or your partner gets triggered, you don’t make assumptions that your partner doesn’t love you or care about your needs—assumptions that turn small, silly disagreements into full-blown explosions. Instead, you’re more likely to conclude that your partner is overlooking your needs, being distant, or failing to give you what you need because they’re stressed or preoccupied with something else.

And when you attribute your partner’s behavior to something outside of the relationship instead of their (lack of) love for you, it’s easier to approach conflict with compassion and turn it into an opportunity to connect and strengthen your bond.

As you can see, small, silly disagreements in your relationship can take up a disproportionate amount of your time, energy, and patience. They can also erode the bond between you and your partner over time.

But they don’t have to.

In From Conflict to Ultimate Love, my 6-week online course, I teach you how to manage triggers and conflict in your relationship effectively so you can reduce the anger, frustration, and tears in your day-to-day life and build a stronger bond with your partner.

You can learn more about From Conflict to Ultimate Love or join me inside right here.

Don’t Let Fights About Nothing Erode Your Bond

When you live with someone or have a long-term relationship with them, you end up having to make lots of decisions with them on a weekly basis. So it’s only a matter of time before a difference in opinions, preferences, or values sets the stage for a disagreement.

It’s normal and healthy to disagree with your partner. After all, it’s a sign that you’ve retained your individual identity while building a life with someone else.

But if you make certain assumptions about your partner and relationship in the face of these disagreements, it can turn a small, meaningless disagreement into a full-blown fight. And I know that being angry at your partner or stressed about your relationship isn’t how you want to spend your already limited time on a Wednesday evening or Saturday afternoon.

Fortunately, even though these kinds of silly fights are extremely common in relationships, they don’t have to weaken yours. Because when you know how to approach triggers in your relationship with love and understanding instead of with guns blazing, it neutralizes the stress and tension and allows you to use conflict as an opportunity to create a deeper connection. 

Wondering how the conflict between you and your partner could affect the strength and health of your relationship?

Fill out my FREE Relationship Conflict Decoder.

It’s designed to help you understand whether your relationship conflict has the potential to strengthen your bond with your partner or push you farther apart.

Of course, if you’re looking for step-by-step guidance on how to manage triggers and conflict in your relationship with less stress and more success, check out my 6-week online program From Conflict to Ultimate Love. 

In it, you’ll learn my 7-step Bridge-to-Connection formula for transforming conflict into opportunities for love and deeper connection. Get all the details or enroll right here.

And finally, if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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