Healthy RELATIONSHIPS: 9 Relationship Red Flags You Should NEVER Ignore + FREE Relationship Health Checklist

In my last blog post—on the 6 characteristics that define healthy relationships—I told you what to look for to determine if your bond with your partner is a solid one.

Knowing the traits that characterize healthy relationships is important for understanding whether your relationship is healthy and what you and your partner could focus on to strengthen your connection.

However, it’s also important to know about the opposite—the red flags in relationships. In a relationship, red flags are signs that something isn’t quite right in a relationship. They’re meant to get your attention and signify potential “danger” or “trouble” so that you can assess the situation and take steps to remedy it or protect yourself.

The tricky thing is that it isn’t always easy to notice red flags—especially if you’re blinded by intense, passionate love. And even if you do notice them, it can be easy to sweep them under the rug or downplay them to avoid having to face the possibility that there’s a problem in your relationship.

Unfortunately, missing or ignoring red flags doesn’t make those red flags go away. Instead, it usually just makes the problem persist or even get worse.

That’s why it’s so critical to identify and address red flags early on in a relationship or when they start popping up. That way, you can tackle the underlying problem and improve the health of your relationship BEFORE your bond becomes damaged beyond repair. And in the case where you realize that your relationship isn’t salvageable, you can end it before you invest any more of your time, energy, or mental health in it.

So let’s talk about 9 big relationship red flags you should NEVER ignore:

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 1. Lack of Trust

In my previous post, I told you that trust is one of the most important characteristics of healthy relationships. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that a LACK of trust is a major relationship red flag.

Trust is important for helping you and your partner feel safe and protected in the relationship. If you don’t trust your partner or your partner doesn’t trust you, it’s going to be very difficult to have a strong and healthy emotional bond.

For example, if your partner has a habit of lying about where they’re going, talking to other people about you behind your back, or cheating on you, it’s going to be hard for you to trust them (and rightly so!). You won’t want to open up to them about the things you’re struggling with, confide in them about how you’re feeling, or even just share what’s truly on your mind. And you probably won’t believe that they’ll be there to have your back when you need support.

If you’re unable to open up to your partner and be vulnerable with them, it’ll limit the emotional bond you can form with them. It’ll also be hard to feel truly loved and satisfied in the relationship if you don’t feel safe and secure in it—no matter how good the sex is!

2. Lack of Communication

Along with trust, effective communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. So if you and your partner have weak communication skills or often avoid communicating about important issues, it’s definitely something you want to pay attention to.

If you and your partner have poor communication, you’ll find it hard to share what you’re really thinking and how you’re really feeling about a situation. So when conflict arises or there’s something you and your partner aren’t aligned on, you’ll have trouble sharing your perspective and helping the other person understand where you’re coming from. You might even avoid talking about the issue altogether.

As I mentioned earlier, though, avoiding problems doesn’t make them go away. It just gives them an opportunity to fester, grow, and cause more damage—just like an untreated infection. So if you and your partner struggle to communicate about important issues (or avoid doing it altogether), you’ll have a hard time resolving conflict effectively and enjoying a healthy relationship.

3. Lack of Follow Through

Does your partner have a habit of saying they’ll do something and then not actually following through on their words? This is a relationship red flag too.

To break this down, let’s consider the story of Maria and Alberto. Maria and Alberto live together as a married couple with their young son. Lately, Maria has been getting increasingly frustrated with Alberto because he often doesn’t do the things he says he’s going to do. For example, he might promise to buy groceries after work but then arrive home empty handed. Or he might say that he’ll get up early on Saturdays to watch their son while Maria gets some extra work done. But when 6:30 a.m. actually rolls around on a Saturday, he’s still sound asleep in bed.

Alberto’s habit of not following through on his words might not seem as bad as lying or refusing to communicate about an issue. But think about it: if you can’t rely on your partner to pick up the kids or fix the kitchen sink when they say they’re going to, how can you really trust them? And remember what I said earlier about trust—it’s essential to have in a healthy relationship.

4. No Accountability for Mistakes

It’s also a red flag if your partner has trouble taking responsibility for their mistakes.

Let’s say, for instance, that your washing machine has been acting up for weeks and your partner has told you repeatedly that they’ll arrange for a technician to fix it. However, your partner kept putting off the task and now, your washing machine is completely broken.

In this case, your partner can do one of two things: They can acknowledge that it was their responsibility to call a technician but they never did. Or they can fail to own up to their mistake. They might fail to take accountability for their actions by arguing that the washing machine would have broken down anyway or even denying that they ever said they would contact a technician. Either way, your partner isn’t willing to acknowledge and take responsibility for their contribution to a problem.

If your partner is unwilling to hold themselves accountable, they might constantly try to deflect blame, downplay problems, or point the finger at you. In any case, you’ll have a hard time resolving conflict with them because they’ll believe that there’s either no problem to fix or nothing they did wrong. You might also feel unheard when you try to initiate conversations about conflict and your partner isn’t willing to actively participate in them.

5. History of Strained Relationships

Everyone has a difficult relationship or a falling out with someone in their life sooner or later. So it doesn’t necessarily mean anything for your relationship if your partner has drifted apart from a childhood friend or isn’t as close with their sibling as you are with yours.

But if you notice that your partner seems to be surrounded by strained relationships, that’s worth paying attention to. For example, if your partner treats their parents poorly, doesn’t have close friends, and is constantly getting into arguments with the neighbors, they might struggle to build successful relationships and form genuine connections.

The same is true if your partner has a history of unsuccessful romantic relationships and always blames the other partner for making the relationship unsuccessful. In most cases, both members of a couple share responsibility for an unsuccessful relationship. So if your partner tells you that their previous relationships ended because their exes were all crazy, it’s a sign that your partner may struggle to take responsibility for their actions and recognize their contribution to a problem. And it suggests that the same could very well unfold in your relationship if nothing changes about your partner’s behavior.

6. Misplaced Priorities

When you’re in a healthy romantic relationship with someone, you make them a priority in your life and they do the same for you.

For example, let’s say that Morgan and Alyssa are in a long-distance relationship. Because they live in very different time zones, it’s tough to plan Zoom or FaceTime calls at a time that works for both of their schedules. One of the times that works best for them is Sunday evenings (on Morgan’s time). Morgan’s family has a tradition of getting together for dinner every Sunday evening—at the same time that Alyssa is free to chat. However, because Alyssa is a priority in Morgan’s life, Morgan decides that she’ll spend dinnertime talking to Alyssa and head to her family’s house later on in the evenings for dessert.

But let’s say that Morgan didn’t put in the effort to prioritize time with Alyssa. Instead, she would talk to Alyssa only if it was convenient for her schedule and she didn’t have anything else to do. This would communicate to Alyssa that Morgan doesn’t care about her or their relationship very much—at least not enough to prioritize it over other things in her life.

Now, keep in mind that prioritizing someone doesn’t mean always putting them first. When you’re in a romantic relationship, it’s normal to sometimes choose time with friends, family, or just yourself over time with your partner. You can prioritize your partner without always having to fulfill their needs before you consider anyone else’s.

7. Conflicting Life Goals

You and your partner don’t have to have the exact same goals in life. In fact, it’s rare that both members of a couple do. But if you and your partner have conflicting goals, that’s a red flag in a relationship.

One of the most common examples of this is when one partner wants to have kids but the other doesn’t. Sometimes people try to “resolve” this conflict by hoping or assuming that their partner will change their mind down the road. However, there’s no guarantee that this will happen. And because the desire to have or not have kids is such a big one, it’s not something people can easily sacrifice and still be happy and satisfied with their life in the long run.

Of course, in some cases, it might be possible to resolve a conflict between life goals by striking a compromise. But if not or if either person feels that they’re sacrificing something important to make the relationship work, it’s possible that one or both people in the relationship will end up feeling resentful toward the other person.

8. Disapproval from Family and Friends

You aren’t with your partner to please your friends or family. But if they don’t like the person you’re with, it’s worth thinking about why they feel this way.

In some cases, people face disapproval from family and friends because their partner doesn’t belong to a particular religion or have a certain job. This disapproval comes from specific beliefs that loved ones have about the type of partner that’s “right” or “acceptable.”

But if your family and friends don’t like your partner because of their personality traits or behaviors, it makes sense to at least hear them out. Their concerns might end up being unfounded. However, there’s also the chance that your family and friends are able to evaluate your partner more clearly because they aren’t caught up in the high emotional intensity of your relationship the way that you are.

9. Abusive Behavior

This is the biggest red flag in a relationship and one you definitely shouldn’t ignore. Now, keep in mind that when most people think about abusive behavior, they think of physical violence, screaming, or name-calling. But even behaviors that are controlling or manipulative can fall into this category. For example, if your partner tries to prevent you from spending time with your family, regularly reviews the text messages on your phone, or constantly pressures you into doing things by making you feel guilty, their behavior is abusive.

Especially if abuse is mild, it can be easy to write off the behavior by thinking that it isn’t all that bad. But if your partner is harming you, controlling you, or violating your rights as a human being, it’s a sign that it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with them.

Pay Attention to Red Flags

Just like the red flags used on beaches, red flags in relationships signal potential problems or danger. So if you ever see a red flag in your relationship (either one that I’ve explained above or another one), it’s a good idea to pay close attention to it.

As I said earlier, the presence of a red flag doesn’t automatically spell doom for your relationship. But it does tell you that there’s something in the relationship you shouldn’t ignore. So instead of sweeping red flags under the rug or pretending they don’t exist, try to examine them head on.

Now, trust me: I know that it can be hard to confront problems or challenges in your relationship. But when you do it and do it effectively, you’re able to either strengthen your bond with your partner or free up space in your life for a relationship that will satisfy you.

If you’d like to learn more about how to assess the health of your relationship, I have the perfect resource for you: my FREE Relationship Health Checklist.

It’ll help you size up the health of your relationship and identify the specific areas that you and your partner can focus on to build a deeper, more loving connection.

Now, what if you discover or already know that you and your partner are struggling with conflict or weak communication?

What if you’re always bickering, fighting about silly things, or feeling like your partner just doesn’t get you?

Join me inside From Conflict to Ultimate Love—my 6-week program that teaches you how to move past the arguments, negative emotions, and frustration that characterize your relationship and develop a deep connection that fills your heart with joy and love.

You can learn more details about it or register right here.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.  

Until next time!

Vera

P.S. What’s one of the most important things to do if you want your relationship to last? Hit “play” on my video about the #1 thing that successful couples do every day.

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