Healthy RELATIONSHIPS: 5 Habits That Make Your Relationship Toxic (And What to Do Instead) + FREE Relationship Health Checklist

In my last few posts, I’ve talked about the signs of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Specifically, I’ve explained the characteristics of a healthy bond, broken down red flags in a relationship you should never ignore, and discussed relationship behaviors that seem problematic but aren’t.

As I’ve mentioned in these posts, it’s important to be able to recognize the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships patterns. Why? Because it helps you understand where your relationship stands. And it allows you to identify what you and your partner could benefit from focusing on the most if you want to strengthen your connection with each other.

However, to truly build a deeper connection with your partner, you need to understand not only WHAT needs to change in your relationship but also HOW to make this change.

That’s why in this week’s blog post, I’m going to walk you through 5 habits that make relationships toxic and break down what to do instead.

Unlike the red flags in relationships that I’ve talked about before, which are signs that your partner might not be the right fit for you, the habits that I focus on in this post are behaviors or patterns that YOU might be engaging in without even realizing it.

By shining a light on these habits and telling you what to do instead, I hope to help you break free from negative relationship patterns so you can welcome the joy and love back into your relationship again.

Ready to get started?

Here are 5 habits that make relationships toxic and what to do instead:

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1.  Being Passive Aggressive When You’re Upset

Let’s say that you get home from taking your kids to soccer practice and realize that your partner forgot to make dinner yet again. Even though you’re exhausted and your kids are hungry, you have no choice but to pull out your pots and pans and start whipping up a meal.

How do you feel? Probably angry, frustrated, or disappointed that your partner didn’t follow through on making dinner like they promised they would. But you don’t want to confront your partner and “make it a whole thing.” So instead of explicitly telling your partner how you feel and having a conversation about it, you give them the silent treatment or ignore them.

You hope that by dropping hints that you’re upset, they’ll understand that they messed up and take steps to fix it.

What’s the problem with this? Your partner might not understand why you’re so upset, which will only make you more frustrated. And they might start to get annoyed that you’re being cold toward them or “playing games” instead of just openly expressing why you’re mad. So instead of helping you feel heard and getting your needs met the next time you want your partner to do something for you, being passive aggressive like this perpetuates the conflict and makes it harder for your partner to understand what you need from them.

Instead of using passive-aggressive tactics to “drop hints” when you’re upset about something, clearly communicate with your partner. Openly express how you’re feeling and what you need from them in the future. Keep in mind that these kinds of conversations don’t need to be confrontational. You can tell your partner how you feel and express what you need from them going forward in a way that’s compassionate and respectful.

2.  Blaming Your Partner for How You Feel

Imagine that it’s a Saturday and you’ve just gotten into a fight with your sister over the phone. You feel upset and hurt and you want your partner to comfort you. But because it’s busy season for them at work, they’ve been on email all day and haven’t even had a chance to notice that you’re upset.

You haven’t actually told your partner about what happened with your sister and how you feel about it. You also haven’t asked your partner for support. But when they finally emerge from their home office late in the afternoon, you start fuming and telling your partner that they’re always working and never spend any time with you. In other words, even though you’re upset about the fight you had with your sister, you redirect the blame toward your partner and imply that THEY are responsible for the way you feel.

This toxic habit harms relationships because it pins the blame on your partner for something that isn’t their responsibility—how you feel. After all, the way you feel is up to you. Sure, your partner might sometimes do things that upset you. And you should be able to rely on them for a reasonable amount of support in any case. But they aren’t responsible for propping you up emotionally on a constant basis.

So instead of expecting your partner to regulate your emotions for you, take responsibility for the way you feel (especially if your feelings stem from a situation that doesn’t even involve your partner). It’s absolutely okay to tell your partner how you feel and ask for their support. But recognize that they can’t make themselves immediately available for you every time you’re slightly frustrated about something. And avoid blaming them or lashing out at them for something just because you’ve had a rough day.

3.  Keeping Score

If you have a tendency to “keep score” in your relationship, you keep a running tally of your partner’s mistakes. And whenever they raise an issue with you or point out something that you’ve done wrong, you respond by reminding them of all the things that THEY have done wrong in the past.

For example, let’s say that your partner sits down with you and tells you that they’re disappointed that you weren’t more welcoming to their friends when they came over to watch the basketball game on the weekend. Instead of acknowledging that you weren’t as friendly as you could have been, you lash out and tell your partner that they have no right to complain because you saw them checking out the waitress when the two of you went out for dinner a couple of weeks ago.

What happened at the restaurant has nothing to do with what happened at your home during the basketball game. But instead of focusing on the issue that your partner raised and taking responsibility for your contribution to it, you try to minimize it by saying that your partner’s previous “misdeed” makes your behavior irrelevant or excusable. You’re essentially saying that the way you treated your partner’s friends doesn’t really matter much because your partner did something worse to you in the recent past.

Just like when you use passive-aggressive tactics, keeping score doesn’t help you address and manage the actual issue at hand. Instead, it makes it more likely that the current issue will fester and potentially grow. In addition, if you’re constantly telling your partner that all they do is make mistakes, they could become hurt or fed up to the point where it could seriously jeopardize your relationship.

What should you do differently, then? Instead of trying to redirect the conversation toward your partner and something that happened in the past, stay focused on the present situation. Unless there is a legitimate connection between a past situation and the current one, treat the current situation as a separate one and avoid drawing parallels unnecessarily. You can, of course, revisit past issues and discuss them. But avoid doing so as a way to ignore or downplay an issue your partner has raised in the present.

4.  Using Jealousy to Earn Attention and Affection

We all want attention and affection from our partner. But sometimes, we have a hard time explicitly asking our partner for this. As a result, we try to get what we want in roundabout ways. For some people, this takes the form of using jealousy to earn attention and affection.

For instance, let’s say that Amelia wants more time and attention from her partner, Alejandro. Instead of simply telling Alejandro that she misses him when he works long hours and wants to spend more time with him, she goes out for dinner with her ex and tells Alejandro about it. Her hope is that Alejandro will feel jealous about the dinner and respond by giving Amelia more of his time.

In this case, Amelia is using jealously as a way to connect with her partner. But the reality is that using jealousy to strengthen a connection can backfire. Specifically, if you use jealousy to connect with your partner, it can actually lead to disconnection by making your partner angry about the jealousy-inducing incident. In addition, your partner might understand that you’re manipulating them and become angry about this.

Instead of trying to gain attention and affection by manipulating your partner into giving it to you, simply ask your partner for it. Really, that’s all you need to do. As long as your request is reasonable and your partner is the right fit for you, it should be entirely feasible for the two of you to find a way to ensure your needs get met.

5.  Covering Up Problems with Money

This toxic relationship habit involves using gifts, trips, and other treats to sweep issues under the rug.

For example, Tina and Shannon have been experiencing recurring stress in their relationship because their career goals conflict. They haven’t found a way to make their goals more compatible, but they also don’t want to break up. So the conflict between their goals persists and flares up as an issue in their relationship a few times a year.

Every time the issue resurfaces, it causes Tina and Shannon a lot of stress. But instead of facing the issue and finding a way to manage it, they address it by planning a weekend away together to “destress.”

Tina and Shannon’s weekend getaways may temporarily relieve their stress by giving them a chance to relax and have fun together. But because the getaways don’t address the actual issue—the conflicting career goals—they simply sweep it under the rug and allow it to simmer in the background until it bubbles to the surface again and causes more stress.

There might not be an easy solution to Tina and Shannon’s problems of conflicting career goals. But by repeatedly ignoring the issue and using a band-aid solution to “fix” their feelings about it, they run the risk of allowing it to persist until the point where it will be much more difficult or painful to effectively resolve.

What could they do instead? Actually address the problem and find a way to manage it effectively (instead of just temporarily targeting their feelings about it). So instead of ignoring their conflicting goals and running away to the beach every time the issue comes up, Tina and Shannon could actually sit down, talk about it, and address the feelings that come up for each of them.

When Tina and Shannon talk about the issue, they might not be able to reach any sort of conclusion right away. But by acknowledging and tackling the actual issue at hand, they can take steps to manage it and prevent it from spilling over into other areas of their lives and relationship.

Don’t Be Afraid to Communicate

As you can see, there’s a common denominator to the toxic relationship habits I discussed above: a lack of communication. In other words, if you engage in any of these habits, it’s likely because you’re hesitant to explicitly tell your partner how you feel about something or what you need from them.

If you read my post on the characteristics of a healthy relationship, you know that effective communication is essential if you want to build and maintain a strong bond with your partner. There’s simply no substitute for open and honest communication in a genuine, authentic partnership.

If you’re struggling to tell your partner what’s on your mind, articulate your needs, or manage conflict effectively in your relationship, I’d like to invite you to learn more about From Conflict to Ultimate Love.

From Conflict to Ultimate Love is my 6-week online course that teaches you how to move past the arguments, negative emotions, and frustration that characterize your relationship and develop a deeper, more intimate connection with your partner.

You can learn more details about it or register right here.

If you’re unsure where your relationship stands and whether you could benefit from a course like From Conflict to Ultimate Love, grab a copy of my FREE Relationship Health Checklist.

It’ll help you assess the health of your relationship and identify the specific areas that you and your partner can focus on to build a deeper, more loving connection.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.  

Until next time!

Vera

P.S. Want to know the secret to building a relationship that lasts? I’ve made a video about the #1 thing that successful couples do every day. Watch it here.

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