Living Life for YOU: 7 Signs That You’re a People Pleaser + FREE Bust Your People-Pleasing Beliefs Worksheet

When many of my clients first come to me, they have a decent job, a roof over their head, loyal friends, and maybe even a partner who cares about them.

Sounds like they have a pretty good life, right?

But you know what? The way they feel doesn’t match what their life looks like on paper.

For example, they might feel unhappy, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled. They might have the sense that there’s something missing in their life—even though they can’t put a finger on what it is. And in some cases, they may often be angry or irritable without really knowing why.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

If it does, you might be doing the same thing that many of my clients are doing when they first start working with me: you might be living someone else’s life instead of your own.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Vera, I’m the one who works my job, takes care of my family, and decides what to wear in the morning. So it’s MY life, isn’t it?”

Yes, it’s true that you’re ultimately the person who thinks the thoughts you have, feels the emotions you experience, and behaves the way you do. But like many of my clients, your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors might be heavily influenced by the people around you and the expectations that they have (or that you think they have) of you.

We’re all influenced by other people to some extent. It’s why we buy a product after seeing a commercial for it, consent to a treatment that’s recommended by our doctor, or watch a TV show that our colleagues can’t stop raving about.

But sometimes, we put too much weight on what other people think or say. Or we allow other people to influence too many of the choices or decisions we make. And when this happens, we end up living our life based on what other people want or what makes other people happy instead of living our life for the person who really matters—US!

You might be especially likely to live your life based on other people’s needs, expectations, or desires if you’re a people pleaser—someone who has an emotional need to please other people, even if this happens at the expense of your own well-being.

People pleasing sounds harmless on the surface. After all, doesn’t it just mean that you’re a really nice person? And isn’t that a good thing?

But the truth is that people pleasing doesn’t just put your happiness and well-being at stake. It also prevents you from living your truth and developing truly satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

That’s why this week, I’m kicking off a new blog post series called “Living Life for YOU.”

Over the next few weeks, I’ll dive deep into what it means to people please, how it holds you back from being your authentic self, and how to break free from it so you can build the life that YOU want—not the one your mom, friend, or boss wants you to live.

And to kick things off, I’m using this first blog post in the series to talk about HOW to know if you’re living someone else’s life instead of your own.

Keep reading below to learn 7 signs that you’re missing out on being who you truly are because you’re a people pleaser.

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Why People Pleasing Hurts You

Before we talk about the 7 signs of people pleasing, let’s talk about why people pleasing is something worth chatting about.

Making people happy and meeting their expectations sounds like a great thing to do. And it is if you can do it without compromising your well-being or changing who you are. But if you’re a people pleaser, there’s a good chance that you’re prioritizing other people’s needs over your own.

You might tell yourself that doing the things that you do for other people makes you really happy. But the reality is that when you dedicate so much of your time and energy to fulfilling other people’s needs, there’s someone who suffers—you.

Why does people pleasing hurt you in the long run?

Because when you’re spending all of your time focusing on other people and their needs, you don’t have much energy left to attend to your own. And when you ignore your core needs and desires, it’s tough to truly feel happy, satisfied, or fulfilled. In fact, you’re more likely to feel overwhelmed, burned out, and resentful because you’re prioritizing what matters to everyone else at the expense of what really matters most to YOU.

People pleasing also sets you up to be taken advantage of—either intentionally or unintentionally. After all, when people know that they can count on you to say “yes,” they’ll be more likely to ask you to take on that extra project at work or show up early at a family wedding to help with décor. In some cases, people might do this because when they think of who they can count on the most, your name is at the top of their list. But there may also be people in your life who might realize that you have trouble saying “no.” And they might use this to their advantage to get you to do things for them.

So how do you know if people pleasing might be the reason why your life doesn’t feel as complete, fulfilling, or happy as it could?

Pay attention to these 7 signs that you’re a people pleaser:

1. You Base Your Worth On Praise and Approval

It’s always nice to get a compliment from your boss on your work or be known as the mom who makes the best homemade pizza on the block. But if you usually need other people’s approval or praise to feel good about yourself, it’s a sign that you’re a people pleaser. In this case, you rely on other people to affirm and validate your worth instead of being able to tell yourself that you’re an incredible person who deserves to be happy.

2. You Avoid Conflict at All Costs

People pleasers are desperate to be liked by others and maintain their approval. So if you’re a people pleaser, you might also avoid conflict at all costs. You might worry that if you speak up or stand up to someone, they’ll get angry and reject you, which would threaten your self-worth and self-esteem.

Avoiding conflict might seem like a good thing. After all, it’s not like fights and arguments are fun. But if you’re reluctant to speak up when you need to defend your needs or protect yourself, you’ll end up sacrificing something that’s important to you. And in the long run, this can leave you feeling unhappy and resentful.

3. You Publicly Agree with Everyone

If you’re laser focused on maintaining other people’s approval, you might also have a tendency to publicly agree with people even when you actually disagree with them. You might do this for the same reason why you avoid standing up to other people: you don’t want to risk making someone angry and losing their approval.

However, when you pretend to agree with someone, you might end up compromising your values to do so. For example, let’s say that you strongly believe in creating equal opportunities for men and women but have a parent who thinks that a woman’s place is in the home. Agreeing with your parent might help you maintain their approval and avoid conflict. But sooner or later, you might feel uncomfortable or even resentful that you’re helping to perpetuate gender stereotypes and gender discrimination when they’re based on positions that you don’t even support.

4. You Have Trouble Saying “No”

We all have times when we say “yes” to something that we really didn’t want to. For example, we might let a relative stay over at our house for the night when they’re passing through town. (It’s just for one night, right?) Or we might agree to take on an extra task at work because a colleague had a family emergency.

But if you routinely have trouble saying “no” to people, it’s a sign that you’re a people pleaser. Why? Because it means that you’ll probably end up agreeing to commitments that you don’t want to do and don’t have the time or energy to do. As a result, you put yourself at risk of becoming burned out and resentful. In other words, you end up saying “yes” to people even when it means sacrificing time and energy for the things that really matter to you.

5. You’re Always Saying “Sorry”

It’s important to apologize and take responsibility for your actions when you’ve genuinely done something wrong. But if you’re a people pleaser, you might have a habit of apologizing or taking responsibility for things even when there’s no need for you to do so.

For example, if you made peanut butter cookies for your colleagues but didn’t know that your boss has a peanut allergy, you might apologize excessively for bringing in a treat to work that your boss couldn’t eat. Similarly, if your brother-in-law asks to borrow your ladder but you’ve loaned it to your parents for the week, you might apologize profusely for being unable to fulfill your brother-in-law’s request.

When you apologize or take the blame for things that aren’t wrong or that aren’t your fault, you end up prioritizing the need for other people to feel good over the need to feel good yourself. And you tell yourself that it’s okay to assume responsibility for something going wrong if it’ll make someone else feel better. So once again, you end up pushing your needs and well-being to the backburner.

6. You Change to Match the People Around You

It’s normal to be slightly different in different settings or with different people. For example, you might be really outgoing at home and when you’re with your friends but more reserved at work. However, if you find that you’re constantly changing who you are to match the people you’re with, you might be a people pleaser.

For example, if you’re a people pleaser, you might pretend to love football when you’re around your partner’s friends, even if you couldn’t care less about the sport. And you might say that you love the TV show that your colleagues are all gushing about, even though it’s not your type of show at all.

You might think that pretending to be like the people you’re around will make them like you and help you win over their approval. But constantly monitoring your social environment and trying to adapt to it is exhausting. And when you’re so busy trying to be like everyone else around you, you don’t leave yourself with any space to be yourself and focus on what matters to you.

7. You Think It’s Your Job to Make Other People Happy

When you’re a people pleaser, you want to please other people and make them happy. You might do this by agreeing to dog sit for your neighbor all the time, contributing an item to every bake sale at your kids’ school, or taking on extra work every time your boss asks you to.

What’s the problem with this? It’s not in your power to make your neighbor, your boss, or the head of the school’s parents association happy. That’s up to THEM. Your actions can’t make other people happy any more than their actions can make you happy. So if you spend all of your time trying to make other people happy, you’re probably compromising your own happiness without doing as much as you think you are for the people around you.

Recognizing Your People Pleasing Is the First Step

After learning about some of the most defining characteristics of people pleasers, you might feel a bit embarrassed to realize that you’ve spent years or even decades putting other people ahead of yourself.

But there’s something I want you to know: there’s nothing embarrassing or shameful about realizing that you’re a people pleaser or that you’ve been living someone else’s life. In fact, it’s empowering.

Why?

Because by gaining clarity on how you spend your time and energy and what influences your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and what’s holding you back from living authentically. It also allows you to take the first step toward living life for YOU by redirecting your attention inward.

As I’ve alluded to in this post, people pleasing stems from beliefs that the key to being happy is to meet other people’s need and fulfill their expectations. To help you break through these beliefs and gain confidence in your own internal compass, I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called Bust Your People-Pleasing Beliefs. 

It’ll help you challenge and replace your people-pleasing beliefs so that you can confidently make choices and decisions for yourself instead of for the people around you.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.  

See you again soon!

Vera

P.S. Not convinced that people pleasing is something you need to break free from? Watch my video on the hidden dangers of people pleasing for your health and well-being.

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