Living Life for YOU: 9 Steps to Finally Stop People Pleasing (and Put Yourself First) + FREE Bust Your People-Pleasing Beliefs Worksheet
In my last few posts, I’ve told you all about why people pleasing holds you back from being happy, living a meaningful life, and building healthy relationships.
So here’s what you might be thinking, “Okay, Vera, I know that people pleasing is hurting me more than it’s helping me. But it’s not like I can just wake up one morning and decide that I’m going to stop being a people pleaser. It’s just not that easy!”
You know what? I get it. Really, I do.
When you’ve spent years or even decades being a people pleaser, the idea of saying “no” to your neighbor or telling your partner what you want to eat for dinner can feel terrifying.
At the same time, though, putting an end to your people pleasing ways is essential if you want to start prioritizing the most important person in your life—YOU!
How on Earth do you do this?
Keep reading below to learn my 9 steps to finally stop people pleasing.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Step 1: Recognize That You Can’t Please Everyone
If you’re a people pleaser, you pour your time and energy into pleasing the people around you so you can make them happy and win their approval.
The problem?
There isn’t just one person in your life to please. There are probably many of them. For example, you might feel compelled to please your partner, family, friends, boss, colleagues, and other parents at your kids’ school. You might even have a hard time saying no to the telemarketer who cold calls you and tries to sell you a service that you definitely don’t need. That’s a lot of people to please—way more than you can direct your energy toward without eventually becoming burned out and resentful.
So what should you do?
Recognize that you can’t please everyone and that other people are responsible for their own happiness, not you. So instead of trying to please everyone around you, focus on pleasing yourself. In other words, say no to other people so you have the time and energy to say yes to yourself.
Step 2: Identify What You Want
Of course, it’s hard to redirect your time and energy inward if you don’t know how to please yourself. This is a challenge that a lot of people pleasers struggle with. Why? Because when you spend so much time worrying about other people’s needs and desires, you lose sight of your own. That’s why many people who have a habit of people pleasing don’t even know what they truly want.
To truly understand who you are and what really matters to you in life, you’ll eventually have to uncover your deepest needs, desires, and goals. But you don’t need to be able to recite a 5-year plan in your sleep to start redirecting your attention toward yourself. Instead, feel free to start small.
For example, let’s say that you and your partner take your kids out for dinner once a week. When your family is deciding which restaurant to go to, you usually stay silent and just go along with what everyone else says. In this case, you can take a small step toward identifying your needs and desires by thinking about where you’d like to go for dinner and maybe even sharing your input with your partner and kids.
In general, as you go about each day, ask yourself what you’d like to be doing or prioritizing. You don’t necessarily have to actually end up doing all of these things in the moment. But identifying your wants and needs will help you become more attuned to what you want and allow you to gain clarity on your values and desires. This is essential for knowing when you’d be sacrificing what you need to say yes to someone else.
Step 3: Set Boundaries
Once you know what you want and what’s important to you, it’s time to put boundaries in place. Boundaries help you identify and communicate what is and isn’t okay to you on a recurring basis so that you can protect your time, energy, and well-being.
For example, let’s say that you’ve been babysitting for your sister every Friday night. You’ve realized that you’ve been feeling resentful about it. Because although you don’t mind babysitting on some Fridays, you want to have some Friday evenings to yourself. Based on this insight, you might decide that you want to put a boundary in place with your sister about babysitting on only two Friday evenings each month.
Alternatively, maybe you’ve realized that you’ve been feeling resentful toward your partner because they always have their friends over on the weekend. In the past, you’ve always said yes when your partner has asked if you’re okay with this, but you haven’t actually been wanting to say yes every time. So you might decide to put a boundary in place with your partner about having friends over only one afternoon or evening each week.
Boundaries can feel awkward to set at first, especially if you’re not used to setting them. So start by setting them in relationships that you’re more comfortable in first. Then, with time, you can work toward setting them in other relationships too.
Step 4: Start with Small Nos
If you’re used to always saying yes to the people in your life, you might find even the idea of saying no to be incredibly daunting. So just like with putting boundaries in place, feel free to start small.
Instead of confidently walking into your boss’s office and declaring that you’re not able to work on weekends anymore, start by saying no to a small request from a family member. You can even begin by saying no over email or text if it feels easier to say no when you don’t have to do it on the spot or to someone’s face.
Over time, you can work your way up to saying no to larger requests, in person, and in relationships that you’re less comfortable in.
Step 5: Buy Some Time
If you’re struggling with saying no when your neighbor asks to borrow your lawnmower or your kids’ school asks you to bake cupcakes for the bake sale, give yourself some extra time to say no. This way, you won’t end up saying no impulsively in the moment before that voice in your head can remind you that it’s really not what you want to do.
Taking your time also shows the people around you that you’re not sitting around waiting for them to ask you to do something. Just like they can’t expect you to always say yes to them, they also can’t expect that you’ll always be able to respond immediately.
When someone asks for something and you want to say no, you can buy yourself extra time by saying “I’ll think about it” or “I’ll get back to you about this.” Of course, if you use this tactic, it’s important to follow through and actually respond in a reasonable amount of time. But don’t feel bad about deploying it and asking the other person to wait so that you can make sure that you end up responding in the way that’s right for you.
Step 6: Offer an Alternative
Like Step 5, this is a step that you don’t necessarily have to complete if you’re at the point where you’re more comfortable with saying no to other people. But it can be helpful if you’re just getting comfortable with asserting your needs and you’re worried about letting people down.
So how does this strategy work?
When you say no to someone, offer them an alternative solution instead. For example, if you don’t want to lend your lawnmower to your neighbor, you might recommend someone else on the block your neighbor could ask. Similarly, if you don’t want to bake cupcakes for the school bake sale but you’re happy to volunteer at the bake sale, feel free to offer your time as an alternative.
Keep in mind that it’s not your responsibility to provide an alternative to someone’s request. After all, their problem isn’t your problem to solve. However, if it’s relatively easy to think of an alternative that works for you, feel free to offer it.
Step 7: Don’t Feel Compelled to Explain
If you have a habit of people pleasing, you might think that you need to have a good reason to say no to someone. So when you do say no, you might believe that you need to explain why you can’t fulfill the request.
But you know what? You don’t.
You don’t need to tell your neighbor why you don’t want to lend them your lawnmower. And you don’t need to tell the school parents’ association why you don’t want to bake an item for the bake sale. In fact, even just in your head, you don’t need to have much of a reason for saying no other than that you don’t want to say yes.
So feel free to simply say, “I can’t lend out my lawnmower right now” or “I’m not able to bake cupcakes for the bake sale.” You don’t need to add anything more than that. Really, you don’t.
Of course, depending on your relationship with the other person, you might want to provide a reason or feel more comfortable with providing a reason. For instance, if your partner asks you to have lunch with their family but you had plans to relax and take a bath, you might decide to simply tell your partner this.
Even when you choose to provide a reason, though, avoid reciting a laundry list of issues. You don’t owe the other person this much of an explanation. And you don’t want to make it seem like you’re just making excuses and are open to being persuaded to say yes after all.
Step 8: Don’t Overanalyze the Situation
If you’re a people pleaser, you probably always say yes to other people because you’re worried about what will happen if you say no. Specifically, you might worry that you’ll trigger a fight, get into trouble, or be rejected by someone if you say no to them.
That’s why when you finally do start saying no, you might have a tendency to overanalyze the situation. You might obsess about what you said, what the other person said, how they might have felt, and what’s going to happen because you said no.
Remember that in most cases, people don’t respond as negatively as you think they will when you say no. In fact, a lot of people will spend more time figuring out who else can fulfill their request or help them solve their problem than they will thinking badly of you.
If there are people in your life who are used to you always saying yes and are thrown off the first time you say no, remind yourself that they might just need time to get used to the real you. If they don’t, it’s a sign that they maintained a relationship with you only because it helped to meet their needs. So they probably aren’t worth having in your life anyway.
Step 9: Look for Validation Within
When you’re a people pleaser, you try to make other people happy as a way of getting validation from them. Needing validation isn’t a problem. In fact, we all need validation to feel happy and fulfilled. The issue is when you’re trying to get validation from other people. Because in this case, you’re dependent on other people always telling you that you’re worthy and lovable. And it can make it hard to stop the people pleasing cycle that you’ve been stuck in.
So when you’re putting an end to your people pleasing ways, it’s important to find an alternative source of validation: YOU! When validation comes from within, you don’t have to worry about whether or not you’ll get it because it’s entirely within YOUR control. And you know that it’s not conditional on doing anything for anyone else.
There are lots of ways to give yourself validation, including reciting affirmations, using positive self-talk, and practicing self-compassion. Use them to give you, your decisions, and your actions the love and respect that they deserve.
Take The Steps to Put Yourself First
If you’ve been a people pleaser for years or decades, it isn’t easy to suddenly stop trying to make everyone else happy and start focusing on yourself. But as long as you have courage, determination, and perseverance, it’s definitely a goal you can achieve using the 9 steps I’ve outlined above.
Of course, when you’re working on breaking your people pleasing habits, you don’t just want to be able to say no, speak up, or share your opinions. You want to be able to do these things confidently.
How do you build your confidence in this area? By tackling the beliefs that your people pleasing is rooted in—the beliefs that tell you that the key to being happy is to meet other people’s needs and expectations.
To help you break through these beliefs and gain confidence in your own internal compass, I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called Busting Your People-Pleasing Beliefs.
It’ll help you critically analyze and transform your people-pleasing beliefs so that you can put yourself first and build healthier, more satisfying relationships.
And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.
See you again soon!
Vera
P.S. As I mentioned above, you’ll be more successful in breaking your people pleasing habits if you find ways to practice self-validation consistently. Looking for some ideas about how to show yourself some love? Hit “play” on the video I made about my favorite ways to practice love, compassion, and gratitude.
SHARE THIS:
