Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

No matter how much you want to, you can’t change someone you love.

You’ve seen me talk about this on my blog. And you’ve probably heard it from someone else in your life too.

But you might still think, “My situation is different. Because I just KNOW that if I try hard enough or stick with it long enough, I can get my loved one to change. And then everything will be better.”

My dear, if that thought has run through your mind even while reading my post about why you can’t change other people, I don’t blame you.

Because I know from my own experience that our desire to change someone we love can be so, so strong.

In fact, it can be so strong that even when we’re told that we can’t change our loved one, we might still believe that we’re the exception or that our relationship is the exception. We might think that even if other people usually can’t change their loved one, we can. (And if we believe in it so much, surely we...

Did you catch what I shared in my previous blog post—the one about how to set healthy boundaries with your parents?

In that post, I shared that for a long time, I didn’t know that my relationship with my parents lacked healthy boundaries. And I didn’t understand that the relationship and my own well-being were suffering as a result.

I’ve also shared with you before that it’s important to know the signs that your relationship with your parents lacks healthy boundaries. Because it’s only once you realize that these boundaries are missing that you can work toward putting them in place and enjoying a healthier and less stressful relationship.

But here’s what some of you might be thinking:

My parents do give me unsolicited advice or call me out of the blue all the time. Up until this point, though, I haven’t really set any boundaries with them about it because it seemed easier to just put up with it. But now I have a romantic partner. He...

I have a confession to make: I really enjoy talking to you about setting healthy boundaries with parents.

Why?

Because it’s a topic that’s near and dear to my heart.

If you’ve read my blog posts before, you might know that I used to lack healthy boundaries in my relationship with my parents.

You see, when I was growing up, I was taught to place the needs of the people around me, especially my family, above my own. So I pretty much always said “yes” to my parents, did what they wanted me to do, and let them call the shots.

And for a long time, I didn’t even realize that our relationship had this dynamic because it lacked healthy boundaries. (If you’re wondering whether YOUR relationship with your parents needs better boundaries, check for these 7 signs.)

However, even once I knew that I needed to put better boundaries in place with my parents, I had a hard time setting them.

One of the reasons why I struggled was because I thought that by...

As a therapist, I have clients coming to me with a wide range of issues and challenges.

But there’s one issue that pops up more frequently than almost any other: setting boundaries.

As I’ve said before, boundaries are an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship. Just like you can’t make an egg omelet without eggs, you can’t have a healthy relationship without boundaries.

The challenge is that it can be scary and uncomfortable to set boundaries, especially if you’re not used to doing it.

And as I know from my own life and the experiences of my clients, boundaries can be downright daunting when you need to set them as an adult with your parents.

Why?

Because think about it:

If you’re like most people, your relationship with your parents is probably the one that has changed the most over the course of your life.

When you were born, your parents were 100% responsible for you. They made every decision for you, including what to eat, what to...

In my last blog post, I shared that I didn’t always love going to family gatherings. In fact, I would sometimes dread them because I knew they would inevitably end in conflict, stress, and a lot of hurt feelings.

If you dread getting together with your family—whether it’s for the holidays, a relative’s milestone birthday, or “just because”—you might find that one of the most stressful parts of a family gathering are the uncomfortable, boundary-crossing conversations that can catch you off guard.

I’m talking about when…

…your aunt comes up to you and asks why you still don’t have kids.

…your mom tells you in front of everyone that you’ve gained weight.

…or your drunk uncle makes an inappropriate comment about your body.

Whether the conversation is intrusive, emotionally painful, or downright inappropriate, in the moment, you probably feel desperate to make it end. But you also don’t want to...

When I was growing up, my parents, sister, and I all loved each other. But when we were together, the way that we interacted wasn’t always healthy.

My mom and sister would fight a lot. And because I wanted us to all get along, I would often try to play the role of the mediator and beg them to stop fighting and make up. This meant that I usually ended up getting dragged into conflicts that didn’t have anything to do with me. And in the end, I’d feel worse.

That’s why at the time, I sometimes dreaded family gatherings. I always wanted to have that “picture perfect” moment with my family where we all got along and enjoyed each other’s company. But my hopes would sometimes be dashed because inevitably, my mom, sister, and I would fall into our typical relationship patterns and dynamics. And before long, the chaos and conflict would lead to stress, anger, and a lot of hurt feelings.

If you have unhealthy dynamics, boundary crossers, or people you...

You’ve probably noticed that I spend A LOT of time talking about how to set boundaries clearly and confidently with the people in your life. And I’ve even shared some of the personal struggles that I experienced when learning how to set healthy boundaries in my own life.

But the reality is that the healthiest relationships are the ones where both people set boundaries with the other person and respect the boundaries set by the other person.

That’s why it’s important to learn not just how to set and enforce boundaries that you want other people to respect but to learn how to respect the boundaries that other people set with you.

Because when both you and your loved one respect each other’s boundaries, you let each other know that you love each other, that you respect each other’s autonomy, and that your relationship is a safe space for both of you. You also boost the trust and intimacy in your relationship and make it a “place” where...

I’ve been talking a lot recently about how setting boundaries was challenging for me when I first started doing it.

Initially, it was hard for me to overcome the boundary-setting guilt and anxiety I felt. And then I had to learn how to set boundaries clearly, confidently, and consistently so that people would be able to understand and respect them.

But it was important for me to conquer my fears and break through my barriers.

Why?

Because healthy boundaries are an ESSENTIAL part of healthy relationships. So before I could enjoy happy, loving relationships, I needed to put healthy boundaries in place.

The truth, though, is that when it comes to having healthy boundaries in your relationships, setting and enforcing your boundaries is just one part of the puzzle.

Because in addition to setting and maintaining your boundaries with your loved ones, it’s important to be able to accept and respect their boundaries.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Vera, OF COURSE...

I recently shared that when I first started to set boundaries in my relationships, people wouldn’t always respect them.

What I discovered over time is that in most cases, boundaries don’t break down because they’re useless or because the people you set them with are unreasonable. Instead, boundary violations usually happen because we don’t set and enforce our boundaries effectively.

The key word there is “most.”

Because sometimes, we have people in our lives who just won’t respect our boundaries no matter what we do to set and enforce them with respect and love.

Sometimes we have friends, family members, colleagues, or neighbors who are simply toxic. And because they’re toxic, they have a really hard time with accepting and respecting the limits we try to set with them.

When my clients are dealing with a toxic person in their life, they often feel defeated about setting boundaries with this person. They say things like,...

A big part of my journey of breaking free of overgiving was to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

As I’ve shared before, setting healthy boundaries was something that I really struggled with before I became a therapist.

Part of the reason why I struggled so much was because I felt very guilty about setting boundaries. I truly believed that if I put a boundary in place with someone, I was being selfish and denying my loved ones what they needed and deserved to be happy.

But it wasn’t just the guilt that made it tough for me to set boundaries. Boundary setting was also hard for me because in those early days, I often found that people violated the boundaries I set.

Whenever I set a boundary and someone violated it anyway, I used to think one of two things: (a) that boundaries don’t work or (b) that the other person was completely unreasonable.

The reality, though, is that boundaries are usually very effective when you set them skillfully. And most people in your...