SELF-CARE: How to Truly Respect Other People’s Boundaries (Even If You Don’t “Get” Them) + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet

Nov 25, 2022

You’ve probably noticed that I spend A LOT of time talking about how to set boundaries clearly and confidently with the people in your life. And I’ve even shared some of the personal struggles that I experienced when learning how to set healthy boundaries in my own life.

But the reality is that the healthiest relationships are the ones where both people set boundaries with the other person and respect the boundaries set by the other person.

That’s why it’s important to learn not just how to set and enforce boundaries that you want other people to respect but to learn how to respect the boundaries that other people set with you.

Because when both you and your loved one respect each other’s boundaries, you let each other know that you love each other, that you respect each other’s autonomy, and that your relationship is a safe space for both of you. You also boost the trust and intimacy in your relationship and make it a “place” where you feel valued, seen, cared for, and free to be who you really are.

That’s the kind of warm, fulfilling relationship we all want in our life, right? The kind that feels like curling up in front of a fireplace with your favorite feel-good book.

The tricky thing is that in trying to create this warm, healthy, safe space in our relationships, we can fall into the trap of thinking that we need to work only on communicating our boundaries effectively. Because if we’re loving, well-meaning people, respecting other people’s boundaries should be pretty simple, right?

But as I shared in my last post, it can actually be pretty easy for us to violate other people’s boundaries without realizing it. And when we unknowingly violate people’s boundaries, it can create friction with our loved ones and prevent us from finding the warm, safe space we all look for in our relationships.

That’s why in this post, I want to teach you how to respect the boundaries that your loved ones set with you—even if you dislike the boundaries, don’t agree with them, or don’t even know what they are.

Because when you can truly accept and honor the boundaries that your loved ones set with you, you can become a boundary master and enjoy healthier, more fulfilling relationships in your life.

Let’s dive in!

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Ask About Their Boundaries

In my post about how you might violate other people’s boundaries, I mentioned that in an ideal world, both people in a relationship would communicate their boundaries clearly.

The reality, though, is that many people struggle to set clear and effective boundaries. They might feel nervous about setting boundaries, they might not articulate their boundaries clearly, or they might not even know what kinds of boundaries are right for them. It’s also possible that they’ve never thought to tell you about a particular boundary because it hasn’t seemed relevant in your relationship before. No matter what the reason is, it means that your loved one might not explicitly tell you what they are and aren’t okay with.

Fortunately, you don’t have to live in the dark about your loved one’s boundaries or guess what they are. Because even if your loved one doesn’t explicitly communicate their boundaries to you, you still have the power to ask them what they are.

When you ask your partner (or anyone else) how they feel about something, you make it clear that you recognize that their preferences and limits might differ from yours. And you demonstrate that it’s okay within your relationship to communicate openly and honestly about your needs and boundaries.

Avoid Assuming the Worst

Although we might need to ask our loved ones about their limits in some cases, in other cases, they might explicitly tell us what these limits are. And when they do, it’s important to keep our automatic reactions in check and avoid assuming the worst.

Most of us don’t like being told “no” because it can feel like we’re being rejected. So when a loved one says “no” by setting a boundary with us, our mind can jump to worst-case scenarios and explanations for the boundary.

Sound familiar?

So when your loved one sets a boundary with you, avoid automatically assuming that it’s a statement about you. Instead, recognize that the boundary is about your loved one communicating what’s right for them. And if you need clarity on why the boundary is important to them, take the time to respectfully ask them instead of becoming defensive and assuming the worst.

Actively Listen

A great way to avoid making assumptions about your loved ones’ boundaries is to actively listen to your loved ones when they communicate these boundaries.

Now, as you read this, you might be thinking, “Vera, of course I listen to my mom/sister/partner when they talk to me about a boundary. It’s not like I’m sitting there on my phone or watching TV while they’re talking to me.”

Too often, though, when someone is talking to us, we look like we’re paying attention to them, but we’re not. Because our minds are too busy making assumptions about what they’re saying, thinking about how we feel, or planning what we’ll say in response. And as a result, we don’t truly hear what our loved one is trying to tell us.

Before you can lovingly respect your loved one’s boundaries, you need to fully understand their boundaries. And the best way to understand what your loved one is and isn’t okay with is to actively listen when they communicate their boundaries.

So instead of trying to be right or “win” the conversation, focus on understanding what your loved one is telling you. This means giving them your undivided attention, paying attention to both their words and body language, and thinking carefully about what they’re saying.

Accepting the Boundaries (Even If You Disagree)

A big part of respecting your loved ones’ boundaries is accepting the boundaries even if you disagree with them.

When your loved one sets a boundary with you, it can be difficult to accept the boundary if you don’t like it, if it’s not a boundary you would set, or if it changes the way you do something in your relationship.

But if you truly love and respect your loved one, you’ll recognize that they have the right to identify and set the limits that are right for them. And you’ll accept their boundaries even if you don’t agree with them or understand the logic behind them. After all, just because their boundaries differ from yours doesn’t make them wrong.

Apologize If You Make a Mistake

We all make mistakes. And sometimes, these mistakes involve violating someone’s boundary. We can do this by violating a boundary that someone has explicitly communicated to us, making someone feel bad for saying “no” to us, or violating an implied boundary by infringing on someone’s rights.

If you’ve realized that you’ve violated a loved one’s boundary, first, give yourself some grace. Remember that it’s human nature to make mistakes and that no one is perfect.

Second, remember that what matters is that you acknowledge the mistake and take responsibility for it. Apologize wholeheartedly to your loved one and vow to respect their boundaries going forward.

Being Open Is the Key to Respecting Other People’s Boundaries

When you’re trying to set effective boundaries with other people, it’s important to follow the 3 Cs: be Clear, Confident, and Consistent.

But when you’re working on the other piece of being a boundary master, respecting other people’s boundaries, focus on being open.

Specifically, be open to…

asking people about their boundaries
not assuming the worst about people’s boundaries
hearing everything your loved one is saying (verbally and nonverbally) when communicating a boundary
accepting a boundary even if you don’t agree with it
recognizing when you’ve crossed a line and apologizing

Because ultimately, to respect the boundaries of our loved ones, we need to be open to the fact that not everyone has the same needs and limits that we have. And we need to be open to the fact that a need or limit is valid and worthy of respect even if it’s very different from our own.

As I was mentioning earlier, it’s easiest to have healthy, fulfilling relationships when both people communicate their boundaries clearly. But some communication about boundaries is better than none.

So even if your loved one struggles to communicate their boundaries (or maybe doesn’t even know what they are), it’s still important for YOU to communicate your limits as clearly, confidently, and consistently as you can. Because at the very least, you’ll be able to clarify what you are and aren’t okay with so that your loved one doesn’t cross a line that matters to you.

Of course, before you can share your boundaries with other people, you need to know what these boundaries are and why they matter to you. To help you get clarity on your boundaries, I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called My Personal Compass.

The My Personal Compass Worksheet will help you identify the boundaries that are right for you so that you can communicate them effectively to your loved ones.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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