SELF-CARE: How to Protect Your Boundaries From Toxic People + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet
I recently shared that when I first started to set boundaries in my relationships, people wouldn’t always respect them.
What I discovered over time is that in most cases, boundaries don’t break down because they’re useless or because the people you set them with are unreasonable. Instead, boundary violations usually happen because we don’t set and enforce our boundaries effectively.
The key word there is “most.”
Because sometimes, we have people in our lives who just won’t respect our boundaries no matter what we do to set and enforce them with respect and love.
Sometimes we have friends, family members, colleagues, or neighbors who are simply toxic. And because they’re toxic, they have a really hard time with accepting and respecting the limits we try to set with them.
When my clients are dealing with a toxic person in their life, they often feel defeated about setting boundaries with this person. They say things like, “What’s the point of making the effort to set the boundary if my sister/mother-in-law/neighbor isn’t going to respect it anyway?”
I totally get where they’re coming from. And if you’re struggling to set limits with a toxic person in your life, I’m betting that you get it too.
But here’s the thing: We can’t just throw boundary setting to the wayside because boundaries are an essential part of healthy relationships. Boundaries allow us to take care of ourselves because they communicate our needs, convey how we want to be treated, and protect our time and energy.
And when you’ve got a toxic person in your life, it’s especially important that you use boundaries to shield yourself from the toxicity.
So what do you do?
How do you maintain your boundaries while dealing with a toxic person who repeatedly disrespects them?
Keep reading below.
Because in this blog post, I’m going to share 5 key steps to maintaining your boundaries with a toxic person.
Let’s get to it!
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1. Set and Enforce Your Boundaries Effectively
A toxic person will be especially likely to take advantage of “weak spots” in your boundaries or how you enforce them. So when you’ve got a toxic person in your life, it’s especially important to be clear, confident, and consistent when setting boundaries with them.
For example, let’s say that your nosy neighbor has a habit of showing up on your doorstep unannounced and uninvited.
Instead of just saying, “Text me before you come over,” be crystal clear about what you’d like her to do. For instance, you might say, “Please text me at least 24 hours before you want to come over. And wait until I confirm that I’m available.” The latter tells your neighbor how much advance notice she needs to give you (not just 5 minutes!) and that you need to confirm that you’re actually available before she can come over.
When you set the boundary, do it respectfully but confidently so that your neighbor realizes that you mean business. And when she tries to violate it, be firm about enforcing it.
Want more tips on how to set boundaries clearly and enforce them effectively? Check out my post on the top 6 reasons why people violate your boundaries.
2. Communicate in A Calm, Non-Blaming Way
Toxic people can be emotionally volatile and reactive. In other words, they can fly off the handle really easily. So if you’re angry or accusatory when setting boundaries with them, they might get riled up, lash out at you, and be even less likely to respect the limits you’re trying to set.
This is why it’s incredibly important to communicate in a calm, non-blaming way when dealing with a toxic person who isn’t respecting your boundaries.
Now, I know that this can be a hard thing to do. After all, you’re probably frustrated with this person for disrespecting you and your boundaries.
But remember the long game: you want this person to interfere as little as possible with the things in your life that are important to you. And if achieving this requires checking your frustration at the door and approaching the interaction calmly and respectfully, it’s totally worth it.
The good news is that to communicate in a calm, non-blaming way, you don’t have to put a fake smile on your face and pretend like you’re okay with the other person’s behavior. Instead, just do your best to keep your cool and keep the focus on your needs. A great way to do this is to use I statements.
For example, you might say something like this to your neighbor: “I spend most of the day working, running around doing chores, or taking care of my kids. So if someone shows up at my house and I’m not expecting them, it’s hard for me to answer the door and chat. In the future, please text me at least 24 hours before you want to come over. And wait until I confirm that I’m available. This way, you won’t waste time walking over here only to find out that I can’t come to the door.”
You can find more detailed tips on communicating with ‘I’ statements in my video about how to tell people what you need.
3. Accept That Some People Just Won’t Respect Your Boundaries
Okay, let’s say that you’ve done your best to set and enforce your boundaries in a way that’s clear, confident, consistent, respectful, and non-accusatory. But the toxic person in your life still violates them.
What should you do?
It may be time to embrace acceptance.
As much as you might want to do everything you can to make someone respect your boundaries, you can’t force someone to do it. And if someone in your life really doesn’t respect you enough to respect your boundaries, it probably won’t work to keep trying to convince them to do it. Instead, you’ll probably just become increasingly frustrated about the situation. And you’ll keep losing your time and energy to it.
Here, you have a choice. It is up to you to decide whether you’d like to have this person in your life or not and if you need to have them in your life how much distance you need to create between you and them. I’ll talk about that later.
However, to let go of the frustration and protect the time and energy you’d otherwise waste, you can practice acceptance of the situation. Recognize that you’ve done what you can to set healthy limits with this person. And remember that there are still steps that you can take to protect yourself from this person’s toxic behavior.
For example, if your neighbor keeps showing up at your house uninvited even though you’ve communicated your boundary clearly and consistently, it might be time to accept that your neighbor isn’t respecting you or your boundary. Although it might be frustrating and difficult to come to terms with this reality, accepting the situation will let you pivot to other strategies that you can use to protect yourself.
Specifically, if you’ve realized that a toxic person in your life isn’t going to respect your boundaries, you can…
4. Practice Loving Detachment or Limit Contact
To protect yourself from someone who won’t respect your boundaries, you can practice loving detachment or limit contact.
When you practice loving detachment, you put space between yourself and the boundary violations. You do this by choosing not to direct any time or energy toward interactions or situations related to the violations.
For example, if your neighbor keeps showing up on your doorstep uninvited, you might decide that you won’t answer the door, talk to her through your smart doorbell, or answer the texts that she sends to try to get you to let her in. And if she tries to talk to you about her visits after the fact, you’ll tell her that you’re not going to discuss it with her any further.
When you practice loving detachment, you might choose to engage with the toxic person in situations unrelated to the boundary violation—if you want to. For example, you might decide that you’re okay with saying “hi” to your neighbor if you see her while you’re out for a walk, buying groceries, or picking up your kids from school.
However, if you find that your neighbor’s toxicity spills over into other interactions that you have with her, you might decide that it’s time to limit contact with her. Because she’s your neighbor, you probably won’t be able to completely avoid her all the time (unless you’re willing to move). But you can still take steps to avoid engaging with her when you’re in the same space. And if it doesn’t compromise your life to do it, you might be able to make some changes to your schedule to limit how much you run into her.
Now, I know that limiting contact with someone you know might seem mean or rude. But remember that when you limit contact, you’re not doing it to punish or manipulate the other person. Instead, you’re doing it to protect yourself because they’re not respecting you and your boundaries.
The people in your life should love, support, and respect you. So if they’re not doing that, it’s absolutely healthy to put some space between yourself and them.
5. Understand What You Can Vs. Can’t Control
When I talked about acceptance a bit earlier on in this post, I mentioned that when a toxic person repeatedly violates your boundaries, it can be tempting to keep trying to convince them to respect you. You might even think, “If I just keep trying for a bit longer, I’ll be able to convince them to respect my boundaries, and everything will be better!”
But the reality is that you can’t change the other person or make them respect you and your boundaries. That’s why an important part of dealing with a toxic person is to understand what you can and can’t control.
When you set and enforce boundaries with a toxic person, you have control over how effectively you communicate your boundaries, how you respond when the other person violates them, and how you feel about the violations.
You can also choose what you do when this person keeps violating your boundaries no matter what you do. For example, you can embrace acceptance of the situation, practice loving detachment, and even limit contact.
What can you NOT control?
As much as you might want to, you can’t change the other person’s behavior, make them respect your boundaries, or make them believe that your boundaries are legitimate.
Yes, it would be wonderful (and so much easier!) if this person just understood and respected your boundaries. But if they keep violating your boundaries and telling you that your boundaries are ridiculous or that you’re just too sensitive, it points to a problem within them, not a problem with you. And they’re the only person who can address this.
It can be hard to accept that you can’t do anything to convince someone to respect you and your boundaries, especially if you can’t just cut off all contact with them. But it can also be liberating. Because when you recognize that you can’t control the toxic person’s behavior, you can let go of the responsibility you’ve taken on to try to change it.
You Can Set Limits—Even with A Toxic Person
When you have a toxic person in your life and they keep violating your boundaries, it can be tempting to do one of two things: throw your hands up in defeat or drive yourself crazy trying to convince them to respect you.
But the truth is that you can have a toxic loved one or acquaintance and still protect yourself, your time, and your energy. You might just have to take a different approach than you would with someone who isn’t toxic and is willing to work on taking your boundaries seriously.
Specifically, you can choose to make the effort to communicate your boundaries clearly, confidently, and consistently. You can also keep your cool and avoid pointing fingers at the other person when you do it.
And if that doesn’t work, you can protect yourself by practicing acceptance, detaching or limiting contact, and understanding what you can vs. can’t control.
As I mentioned earlier, a toxic person is especially likely to push the limits of your boundaries or take advantage of any “weak spots” they see. So when you’re trying to maintain your boundaries with a toxic person, it’s important to know exactly what your needs and limits are. This way, you’ll be less likely to compromise or give in when the toxic person tries to push you around.
To help you get crystal clear on what’s right for you and why, I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called My Personal Compass.
The My Personal Compass Worksheet will help you gain clarity on the boundaries that are right for you so that you can confidently communicate them and stick to them no matter what.
Grab your copy of the worksheet right here.
And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.
Until next time!
Vera
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