SELF-CARE: 6 Ways You Might Be Violating People’s Boundaries (Without Realizing It) + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet

I’ve been talking a lot recently about how setting boundaries was challenging for me when I first started doing it.

Initially, it was hard for me to overcome the boundary-setting guilt and anxiety I felt. And then I had to learn how to set boundaries clearly, confidently, and consistently so that people would be able to understand and respect them.

But it was important for me to conquer my fears and break through my barriers.

Why?

Because healthy boundaries are an ESSENTIAL part of healthy relationships. So before I could enjoy happy, loving relationships, I needed to put healthy boundaries in place.

The truth, though, is that when it comes to having healthy boundaries in your relationships, setting and enforcing your boundaries is just one part of the puzzle.

Because in addition to setting and maintaining your boundaries with your loved ones, it’s important to be able to accept and respect their boundaries.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Vera, OF COURSE I respect my friends’ and family members’ boundaries! I’m not a jerk!”

I know that you’re not!

But hear me out for a second: I’m sure that you love and respect the people in your life who matter most to you. And you probably have every intention of respecting their boundaries.

The truth, though, is that even if you want to respect someone’s boundaries, you can sometimes end up violating them without even realizing it.

In some cases, you might be violating a boundary that someone has explicitly communicated to you. In other cases, you might be violating an implied boundary by infringing on someone’s autonomy, privacy, property, or personal space.

In any case, though, when you violate someone’s boundary and don’t realize it, it can lead to friction or conflict and, ultimately, place stress on a relationship you really care about.

And I’m sure that’s not what you want, right?

If you want to avoid unnecessary stress or tension in your relationships, stick with me through this blog post.

Because in it, I’m going to reveal 6 ways that you might be violating people’s boundaries without even realizing it.

Here we go!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

• Making Them Feel Bad for Saying “No”

A more explicit way that you can violate someone’s boundaries is by making them feel bad for saying “no” to you.

For example, let’s say that you ask your partner to watch your favorite TV show with you in the evening. Your partner wants to watch with you, but it’s busy season for them, and they really need to work tonight. So they respectfully say “no” and promise to catch up with you later before bed.

You know that your partner is busy. But you really want to watch the show with them. And you figure that your partner can just work more tomorrow night. So you playfully tell them that you’ll be really sad if you have to sit on the couch and watch your show alone.

You don’t think that what you’re doing is a big deal. After all, you’re not forcing your partner to watch the show instead of doing their work. But what you might not realize is that your response makes your partner feel guilty. In fact, it makes them feel so guilty that they think about putting off their work and watching TV with you—even though it’s not what they want because they really need to work tonight.

When you make your partner feel bad for saying “no,” you aren’t acknowledging that they have priorities (work responsibilities, personal self-care, etc.) in addition to you. And you aren’t acknowledging that for your partner to be healthy and well, they will sometimes need to put some of these other priorities ahead of you.

There will be times when the people in your life say “no” to you and you don’t like it or agree with it. But if you care about them, you’ll acknowledge and respect that they have the right to say “no.”

• Not Respecting Their Time

A more subtle way that you can violate someone’s boundaries is by not respecting their time.

What does this look like?

Imagine that you’ve asked your friend to borrow her car so that you can use it to pick your mom up from the airport. She agrees to let you borrow it, but she tells you that she needs you to be on time because she’ll have to leave soon afterward to walk over to her kids’ school and pick them up.

You tell your friend that you’ll definitely arrive at her house on time. But on the day that you’re supposed to borrow her car, you lose track of time while you’re scrolling through social media. And by the time you realize what time it is, you’re 30 minutes late to leave for her house!

Now, sometimes you might leave someone waiting somewhere because being late was unavoidable. For example, if you leave on time to meet your friend for dinner but an accident unfolds right in front of you on the road and creates a huge traffic jam, there isn’t much you can do to avoid it.

But in the scenario about borrowing your friend’s car, there was nothing unavoidable that prevented you from being on time. If you had been paying attention to the time or had done something to make sure that you wouldn’t lose track of the time (e.g., set a reminder on your phone), you would have arrived on time to pick up your friend’s car. And she wouldn’t have been late to pick up her kids from school.

As much as we would all love to have an infinite amount of time in a day, we don’t. So we need to place limits on how much of our time we can give to different people in our life.

When you make someone give you more of their time than what they can or want to set aside for you, you’re violating their time boundaries.

• Contacting Them Too Often

A related way that you might unknowingly violate someone’s boundaries is by contacting them too often or when it’s not appropriate to do so.

For instance, let’s say that you’re friends with one of your colleagues at work. Because you’re friends, you have each other’s cell phone numbers, and you frequently text each other about personal matters.

Right now, your friend is away on vacation. And you know that when she’s on vacation, she doesn’t take work calls or check her work email.

But when an issue comes up with a work project, you decide to text her anyway to get her help. You figure that it isn’t a big deal to text your friend while she’s on vacation because in the grand scheme of her one-week trip, responding to a few of your texts won’t take up that much of her time.

In reality, though, when you decide to text your colleague while she’s on vacation, you’re intruding on what was supposed to be a vacation free of the issues and stresses of work. And instead of respecting that your colleague’s vacation time is her time, you’re putting her in a position where you expect her to take time out of her vacation for your benefit.

• Using Their Things Without Asking

Another way that you might be violating someone’s boundary is by using something that belongs to them without asking. This can happen in any environment where you have access to someone else’s belongings.

For example, let’s say that you live with a roommate and once in the past, she let you borrow a dress to wear. You might think that because she let you borrow a dress once, it’s okay to go into her closet and borrow other items of clothing without asking her first.

But here’s the thing: when you go into your friend’s closest, you don’t acknowledge and respect the fact that her closet is a personal space and her clothes are her belongings. You might think that it’s not a big deal to borrow something from someone else’s closet. But your roommate might not be okay with other people wearing her clothing or going through her closet without permission.

• Sharing Photos of Them Online

 You might also be violating someone’s boundaries if you post photos of them online without checking with them first.

This is a boundary that can be especially easy to violate if you’re someone who tends to share a lot of photos on social media. When you’re used to sharing photos on social media about your workouts, grocery trips, and homecooked meals, you might not think twice about posting some photos of yourself and a friend having lunch together. After all, you were in a public place where anyone could have seen the two of you.

But just because you’re okay with sharing photos of yourself online doesn’t mean that your friend is. And even if they do share photos of themselves online, you might not realize that they share only certain types of photos.

For example, maybe your friend belongs to a religion that prohibits alcohol consumption. Your friend might have no problem with drinking alcohol when she’s with her friends. But because her extended family can see her social media activity, she doesn’t post photos that show her drinking. If you post a photo from your lunch that shows your friend drinking, it could create conflict for her with her family.

This is why just like when it comes to using something that belongs to someone else, it’s a good idea to ask for consent first.

• Inviting People Over Without Checking With Them

If you live with a partner or roommate, you might also be violating their boundary if you invite people over without checking with them first.

To you, it might seem harmless to invite a few friends over to drink and play board games. But if your roommate is doing a virtual job interview in the evening, they might not want loud voices laughing and cracking jokes in the background. Similarly, if your partner is exhausted after a stressful week at work, they might be less than pleased to come home to a house full of guests that they’re expected to socialize with.

Like a closet, a home is someone’s private and personal space. And if you share a home with someone, it’s just as much their space and it is yours. This is why you might be violating your roommate’s or partner’s boundaries if you don’t recognize that their needs and preferences at home might be different from yours.

Recognize When You’re Crossing a Line

Most of us focus so much on getting other people to respect our boundaries that we might not spend much time thinking about whether we’re respecting other people’s boundaries.

But the reality is that even if you want to respect the boundaries of your partner, family members, and friends, you might sometimes cross a line without even realizing it.

As the examples I shared above show you, you’re most likely to unintentionally violate someone’s boundary when you assume that their needs, preferences, or limits match your own. In other words, it’s easy to accidentally violate someone’s boundaries when you assume that just because you’re okay with something, they must be okay with it too.

That’s why it’s important to recognize that just because you’re okay with someone borrowing your clothes or having friends over on a weeknight, for example, it doesn’t mean that someone else is.

People have a right to autonomy, privacy, and personal space. And when you infringe on any of these, you might be violating someone’s boundary.

Of course, boundary violations are easiest to avoid when all of the people in a relationship clearly communicate their boundaries. You can’t force your friends and family to communicate their boundaries clearly. But you absolutely can make sure that you communicate your boundaries clearly.

Before you can communicate your boundaries clearly, though, you need to know exactly what you want to set a boundary about. To help you get clarity on your needs and limits, I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called My Personal Compass.

The My Personal Compass Worksheet will help you identify the boundaries that are right for you so that you can confidently and precisely communicate your limits to the people in your life. 

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

SHARE THIS: