Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

In my previous post, I told you why people pleasing eventually makes you feel unhappy, exhausted, resentful, empty, or dissatisfied with your life. (I also shared 7 ways to tell whether you’re a chronic people pleaser.)

But here’s the thing: It’s important to know that people pleasing hurts you in the long run. But just knowing this usually isn’t enough to make you stop doing it and start valuing yourself the way that you value the people around you.

That’s because the foundation of people pleasing—the reason WHY you invest so much time and energy into doing it—runs pretty deep. So to change how you prioritize and value yourself relative to others, you need to first get to the root cause of your people pleasing behavior. You need to first understand WHERE your people pleasing came from and HOW it affects your relationships today.

By gaining clarity on why you put so much effort into pleasing others, you’ll be able to heal yourself and let go of the underlying issues that have been k...

When many of my clients first come to me, they have a decent job, a roof over their head, loyal friends, and maybe even a partner who cares about them.

Sounds like they have a pretty good life, right?

But you know what? The way they feel doesn’t match what their life looks like on paper.

For example, they might feel unhappy, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled. They might have the sense that there’s something missing in their life—even though they can’t put a finger on what it is. And in some cases, they may often be angry or irritable without really knowing why.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

If it does, you might be doing the same thing that many of my clients are doing when they first start working with me: you might be living someone else’s life instead of your own.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Vera, I’m the one who works my job, takes care of my family, and decides what to wear in the morning. So it’s MY life, isn’t it?”

Yes, it’s true that you’re ultimately the pers...

Movies, romance novels, and social media can make us think that if we’re in a romantic relationship, our goal is to spend as much time as possible with our significant other. We’re led to believe that if we truly love our partner, we should spend every waking minute with them and never be apart.

That’s why you might think that you should never need alone time—time just with yourself—when you’re in a relationship. And you might even feel guilty if you want some time to yourself every now and then.

But do you know what I always tell my clients when I’m helping them build strong, loving relationships?

Not only that there’s NOTHING wrong with spending time away from your partner. But also that spending time alone is GOOD for your relationship and actually makes you a BETTER partner.

I know that’s a bit counterintuitive.

That’s why in this post—my final one in my Making Room for Me in Relationships series—I’m going to be doing a deep dive on why spending time alone helps you build a he...

Setting boundaries is about identifying and communicating limits about what is and isn’t okay to you.

Many of us are pretty comfortable with the idea of having boundaries with colleagues, parents, and friends. For example, you probably agree that intimate touching doesn’t belong in the workplace. And you might be 100% sure that no matter what, you never want to discuss your sex life with your parents.

But when it comes to romantic relationships, we often feel awkward or uncomfortable about putting boundaries in place.

Why?

Because we tend to think that if we truly love someone, we shouldn’t need to set limits on them or our relationship with them. After all, aren’t boundaries about keeping people apart?

We might also worry that if we put boundaries in place with our partner, they’ll think that we’re rigid or selfish.

But the reality is that boundaries are just as important in romantic relationships as they are in other types of relationships. In fact, I would go as far as to say ...

When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to believe that it’s your job to be easygoing and “keep the peace.”

After all, you don’t want to come across as a drama queen or as someone who’s high maintenance and constantly creating conflict.

So, for example, even though you’re not quite ready to move in with your partner, you might pretend that you are.

Or even though you hate that your partner’s friends are over at your house all the time, you might not tell your partner how you really feel.

Maybe it’s even just that you always tell your partner that you “don’t really care” about which restaurant the two of you go to or which movie you end up watching—even though you do.

You avoid expressing your true thoughts and feelings to your partner because you believe it’s the best way to keep things pleasant and make sure your relationship stays on track.

But do you want to know the truth—the truth that many of my clients are surprised to learn?

Speaking up to your partner about how you rea...

Even if you love your partner and believe you have a strong bond with them, it can be hard to tell them what you need.

Why?

Because you don’t want to come across as bossy, needy, or demanding.

So instead of telling your partner that you need to go to bed by 9 p.m., eat a vegan diet, or talk to them at some point every day, you decide to stay quiet.

Maybe you tell yourself that you’ll communicate your needs to your partner later on in your relationship—when things “feel more secure” or you’ve been together longer.

Or maybe you even try to convince yourself that your needs aren’t all that important or that you should leave them behind now that you’re no longer single.

This may seem like the best way to avoid “rocking the boat” and make your relationship last.

But in reality, if you want to feel happy and satisfied—both in your own life and in your relationship—it isn’t just helpful to tell your partner what you need. It’s essential.

Why?

I’m glad you asked! Because that’s exactl...

We’re often told that relationships are about “compromise” and “two people becoming one.”

So you might think that to make a relationship work, you need to relinquish your identity as an individual and take on the identity of one member of a couple.

The problem?

When you sacrifice yourself or your identity for a relationship, you end up losing yourself. You may not notice it as first. But eventually, you’ll realize that you don’t make as much time for the things you love, you don’t spend as much time with the other people you care about, and you don’t chase your own dreams as passionately as you used to.

Losing yourself or changing who you are to “fit” a relationship may not bother you initially. But over time, it’ll leave you feeling drained, unfulfilled, and even resentful. It’ll also limit your capacity to truly give and receive love—the very thing you’ve sacrificed yourself for.

That’s why this month, I’ll be publishing a blog post series called “Making Room for ME in Relations...

Think about someone you really love—maybe it’s your partner, your mom, or your best friend. Take a moment to truly feel the love that you have for them—that deep “I’d do anything for you” kind of love.

Does your loved one have flaws? Of course!

Do they make mistakes? Yes, just like everyone else.

And do they drive you crazy sometimes? Heck, yeah!

But you still love them, right?

So here’s what you might be wondering: “Why can’t I love myself in that same way?”

If you feel silly or ridiculous asking yourself this question, don’t. Lots of people wonder why they don’t love themselves the way they love other people in their life. In fact, it’s a question my clients grapple with all the time.

That’s why I want to tackle it in this fourth and final post in my “Why can’t I” blog post series. Specifically, I want to dig deep and uncover the barriers that stand in your way of truly loving yourself unconditionally.

So if you’ve been wondering lately “Why can’t I love myself the way I love...

Whether you’re going on a blind date, attending a job interview, or expanding your social circle, there’s one piece of advice you’ll probably hear over and over again:

“Just be yourself.”

It sounds simple enough, right? After all, you are yourself. So how hard can it possibly be to just be yourself?

The truth is that it can be incredibly hard. It’s something that I see clients struggle with all the time. And it’s something that used to be very difficult for me too.

You see, I grew up in a culture where the needs of a family or community were more important than any one person’s individual needs. As a result, I grew up thinking that I needed to constantly mold myself to be the person I thought I was supposed to be or that other people wanted me to be—instead of being the person I truly was inside.

Being one person when you’re by yourself and another person when you’re with other people isn’t just exhausting. It can also leave you feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, and even resentful.

T...

Over the many years that I’ve been a therapist, I’ve worked with clients who have all sorts of goals. But there’s one goal that’s been more common than any other: having a loving relationship.

This doesn’t surprise me.

After all, as humans, we’re social beings. And we’re wired to connect and bond with other people. So it makes perfect sense that many of us want to have someone that we can share our lives with.

But whether you’re currently searching for love or navigating life with a partner, you know that finding a loving relationship isn’t necessarily easy.

This isn’t for the reason you might think, though.

You see, many of my clients believe that finding love is hard because you have to track down the one person on Earth who’s your perfect fit. And then, you have to hope that the stars align to make your relationship successful.

In reality, though, these aren’t the reasons why love is hard to find. After all, your ability to have a loving relationship doesn’t depend on external...