Why Can’t I Just Be Myself Around Other People? + FREE Uncovering My Barriers Worksheet
Whether you’re going on a blind date, attending a job interview, or expanding your social circle, there’s one piece of advice you’ll probably hear over and over again:
“Just be yourself.”
It sounds simple enough, right? After all, you are yourself. So how hard can it possibly be to just be yourself?
The truth is that it can be incredibly hard. It’s something that I see clients struggle with all the time. And it’s something that used to be very difficult for me too.
You see, I grew up in a culture where the needs of a family or community were more important than any one person’s individual needs. As a result, I grew up thinking that I needed to constantly mold myself to be the person I thought I was supposed to be or that other people wanted me to be—instead of being the person I truly was inside.
Being one person when you’re by yourself and another person when you’re with other people isn’t just exhausting. It can also leave you feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, and even resentful.
This isn’t surprising because living a life that’s full of joy, love, and meaning comes from being in alignment with your authentic self—the person you really are deep down inside your heart.
When you’re not being yourself, you’re not being your authentic self. You’re doing things that don’t align with your values, goals, and desires. And it’s for this reason that you feel unhappy, struggle to feel satisfied in your relationship, or wake up in the morning thinking that your life lacks meaning or purpose.
But here’s the question: If we know that not being who we are makes us unhappy or unfulfilled, why do we do it? Why do we have such a hard time being who we are when we’re with other people?
That’s what I’ll be uncovering in this third post of my “Why can’t I” series when I answer the question…
“Why can’t I be myself around other people?”
Let’s get to it!
4 Key Barriers to Being Yourself
If you struggle to be yourself around other people, it isn’t because you’re incapable of being yourself. Instead, you might be dealing with barriers that make it hard to be the person you truly are.
Here are 4 common barriers that make it hard to be yourself around other people:
- “I’m not _____ enough”
One of the most common reasons why I see clients struggle to be themselves with other people is because they think they’re not good enough in some way. For example, I’ve worked with clients who think they’re not smart enough, attractive enough, or likeable enough to be loved by a partner or accepted by someone else who’s important in their life. And as a result, they think they need to pretend to be “better” when they’re around that person.
If you think that the real you isn’t good enough, you might be ashamed or embarrassed of who you truly are. Or you might believe that you’re unworthy of being loved or accepted by someone important to you.
Where does this belief about not being enough come from? It can stem from a few different sources.
First, you might believe that you’re not good enough the way you are if you have low self-esteem. Your self-esteem is how you see your own self-worth. If you have low self-esteem, you see yourself more critically and have less confidence in the idea that you’re a worthy person. And when you don’t see yourself in a positive light, you’re more likely to think you need to hide who you are or be someone else if you want others to accept you.
Second, you might believe that you aren’t good enough if you were taught to believe this as a child. This may have happened if you were raised by parents who didn’t show you unconditional love and acceptance. For example, let’s say that you had parents who expressed love toward you or complimented you only when you got good grades at school. This might have led you to believe that other people will only like you or want to date you if you seem like a smart person. As a result, you might try to act or talk in a way that you think will make you seem smart even if it means pretending to be someone you aren’t.
Third, you might think you aren’t enough if you assume that the person you want love or acceptance from is better than you on some dimension and that they’ll only like you or accept you if you’re as good as them. If you’re dating someone who seems really smart, for instance, you might think you need to seem as smart as you think they are if you want them to remain interested in you.
Keep in mind that no matter where this belief stems from, it’s just a belief. It’s not that the person you want love or acceptance from thinks that you’re not good enough. It’s that YOU believe that you’re not good enough. In other words, the idea that you’re not good enough isn’t a fact. Instead, it’s a belief that’s powerful enough to make you behave in a way that isn’t true to who you are.
- “I need to be someone else to get what I want”
You might also struggle to be who you are if you think you need to be someone else to “win” or succeed at something.
For example, you may hold this belief if you think you need to seem fragile or helpless to get your partner to stick around and take care of you. Similarly, you might have this belief if you think you need to seem extraverted or be extremely generous with your time to be liked by your boss and succeed at work.
When you think you need to be someone else to get what you want, you don’t necessarily think that there’s anything wrong with you in a general sense. But you might believe that coming across as a certain type of person will put you at an advantage in a certain situation and help you get what you want out of it. So you might think it’s worth it to put on a mask and deliberately pretend to be someone else.
Where does this belief tend to come from?
Sometimes it comes from being in a particular environment and noticing that certain traits or behaviors put people at an advantage. For example, let’s say you notice that your boss at work seems to favor employees who are willing to gossip with her and put down other employees behind their backs. In response, you might decide to act the same way so that you can be on your boss’s good side.
In other cases, though, this belief that being someone else will help you get what you want stems from childhood. Specifically, maybe you saw your parents being one way at home or with close family members but completely different when they were with friends or at work. This may have led you to believe that you need to change who you are depending on the social environment that you’re in instead of simply being who you are.
- “I don’t want to rock the boat”
It’s also possible that you’re hiding who you truly are because you don’t want to “rock the boat.” In other words, you think that if you dress the way you want to, share your opinions, or tell someone how you really feel about something, it’ll lead to conflict. And you think that you’re better off steering clear of the conflict by hiding who you are or staying quiet.
For example, maybe you dress a certain way every time you visit your in-laws because you think they’ll dislike the clothes that you normally wear. Or perhaps you avoid giving your input or expressing your preferences when you and your partner are making a decision about something because you don’t want to seem bossy.
You might think it’s better to suppress who you are to avoid rocking the boat if you were taught to do this as a child. But the ironic thing is that although hiding who you are might help you avoid conflict in the short term, it sets the stage for larger conflict in the long term.
After all, as I mentioned in Post #1 of my “Why can’t I” series, hiding who you are may help you avoid a fight or argument in the moment. But when you suppress your thoughts and feelings in a relationship that matters to you, you run the risk of becoming increasingly unhappy, angry, and resentful. And it’s usually only a matter of time before you explode and get into a much larger fight or argument with the person who’s important to you.
Watch the video I made on people pleasing to learn more about how trying not to rock the boat harms rather than helps you.
- Not knowing who you really are
With the previous three barriers, your decision to be someone else around others is a conscious one. In particular, you think it’s better to be someone other than yourself because doing so will work to your advantage in some way.
However, it’s also possible that you aren’t yourself around others because you don’t actually know who you really are. For example, you might have a tendency to eat the foods your partner eats and do the activities they enjoy simply because you don’t realize that you have different preferences.
It might be hard to believe that you might not actually know yourself. After all, you are you, so how could you not know who you are and what you want?
The reality, though, is that many of us don’t know who we truly are because we aren’t in tune with ourselves. We spend so much time attending to other people’s needs that we simply lose sight of what matters to us. Or we’ve spent so many years conforming to what other people want us to be like or what we think they want us to be like that we have no clue what it would mean to be ourselves.
So even if you aren’t consciously pretending to be someone else, you might still not be your true, authentic self around other people.
Discover Your Barriers to Being Your True Self
The phrase “just be yourself” makes it seem like it should be a walk in the park to be who you truly are. But as I’ve explained above, it often isn’t easy to be the real you around other people. It can be scary to be who you are if you think you won’t be loved or accepted as you are. And it’s very tricky to be your authentic self when you don’t even know who this person actually is.
The good news?
It’s never too late to get back to who you really are and live your truth every day—no matter who you’re around and what you’re doing.
You are 100% capable of being the real you in any situation. But before you can do it, you need to discover WHAT is holding you back.
To help you identify your barriers to being yourself, I’ve created a FREE Uncovering My Barriers worksheet.
It’ll help you get to the root of why you’re always trying to be someone else so that you can confidently embrace and truly be your authentic self.
And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.
See you again soon!
Vera
P.S. Want to learn the secret to conquering a fear of rejection so you can be yourself around others? Check out the video I made about this exact topic right here.
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