Making Room for ME in Relationships: Why Speaking Up STRENGTHENS Your Relationship + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet

When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to believe that it’s your job to be easygoing and “keep the peace.”

After all, you don’t want to come across as a drama queen or as someone who’s high maintenance and constantly creating conflict.

So, for example, even though you’re not quite ready to move in with your partner, you might pretend that you are.

Or even though you hate that your partner’s friends are over at your house all the time, you might not tell your partner how you really feel.

Maybe it’s even just that you always tell your partner that you “don’t really care” about which restaurant the two of you go to or which movie you end up watching—even though you do.

You avoid expressing your true thoughts and feelings to your partner because you believe it’s the best way to keep things pleasant and make sure your relationship stays on track.

But do you want to know the truth—the truth that many of my clients are surprised to learn?

Speaking up to your partner about how you really feel about something doesn’t jeopardize your relationship.

It strengthens it.

Not convinced?

I get it.

Because I used to think that staying silent and keeping the peace was the right way to go too. But I learned the hard way that NOT communicating how you really feel and just pretending that you’re okay with the status quo holds you back from feeling happy as an individual and building a loving bond with a supportive partner.

That’s why I decided to focus on the benefits of speaking up in your relationship in this third post of my Making Room for Me in Relationships series.

Are you ready?

Here’s why speaking up and sharing your true feelings strengthens (rather than harms) your relationship:

#1 It reduces resentment and disconnection

One of the biggest reasons why my clients hesitate to speak up in their relationship is because they worry that it’ll lead to an argument or fight. Sometimes they’re even scared that it’ll trigger a conflict that gets so heated that their partner will want to break up with them.

Conflict is never fun. So if you’ve ever held back in telling your partner how you really feel because you’re worried that it’ll cause an argument, I completely understand where you’re coming from. Especially when you’re tired from a long day at work or an exhausting weekend of running after your kids, the idea of arguing with your partner might seem like more than you can handle emotionally.

And that’s why you might not tell your partner that you’re not ready to move in together or that you don’t want to host their friends for football watching parties every Sunday.

But you know what’s even more exhausting than dealing with a conflict in the moment? Becoming increasingly angry or resentful over weeks, months, or even years because you’re always biting your tongue and having to go along with decisions or plans that don’t work for you. It’s a recipe for feeling unhappy, dissatisfied, and even unloved.

Eventually, this anger and resentment can reach a tipping point and be expressed as passive-aggressive behavior (e.g., intentionally “forgetting” to prepare snacks for your partner’s friends) or angry outbursts (e.g., blowing up at your partner for never letting you have a say in important decisions). 

And even if your feelings don’t affect your behavior in these ways, they can make you feel disconnected from your partner, misunderstood, and even lonely. After all, if your partner doesn’t know how you feel, it’s unlikely that they’re going to be able to show you the empathy that will allow you to feel heard and understood.

It’s true that speaking up about how you really feel about something could spark conflict. And it could trigger a fight. But this type of short-term conflict is usually much easier to navigate than long-standing feelings of resentment and the eventual massive blowup they can cause. So when you tell your partner how you really feel, you protect yourself from developing the insidious resentment that can erode even a previously strong relationship.

#2 It supports open and honest communication

You might also avoid speaking up in your relationship if you think your partner should just know how you really feel—even if you don’t communicate it to them explicitly.

For example, let’s say that your partner asks you if they can hang out with their friends on Friday night instead of having your usual date night with you. You aren’t thrilled about skipping date night, but you don’t want to fight about it either. So you say something along the lines of, “Sure, I guess that’s fine” in a flat tone.

In this situation, you might assume that it’s obvious that even though you said you were fine with your partner skipping date night, you really aren’t. After all, isn’t it obvious from your tone?

But it’s just as possible that your partner didn’t pick up on your tone and took your words at face value. So they genuinely believe that you’re okay with them making alternative plans. And they don’t understand why you seem to be in a bad mood all of the sudden.

Now let’s imagine that when your partner asks you about making plans, you actually tell them how you feel. You say something like, “I understand that you want to see your friends. But I really look forward to date night with you every Friday and really value the time that it gives us to spend together. Is it possible to see your friends on a different night?”

In this case, you aren’t counting on your partner to decode a vague or confusing message. You’re simply telling them (in a compassionate way) how you really feel.

Remember, it isn’t your partner’s job to read your mind or just know how you feel. It’s their job to listen to you share your thoughts and feelings and respond in a supportive and loving way. And it’s your job to give them the chance to do this and do it successfully.

How do you give them this chance?

By openly and honestly sharing how you feel when something bothers you or doesn’t sit right with you (or even just when you have a preference or opinion that’s different from your partner’s).

When you clearly and compassionately speak up in your relationship when something doesn’t work for you, you give your partner transparency and honesty. You also help them understand you, what matters to you, and what they need to do to help meet your needs.

#3 It promotes conflict resolution

So often, we hesitate to speak up in our relationships because we want to avoid conflict. But the reality is that if there’s something in the relationship that’s bothering you, that conflict is already there. Sure, there might not be an argument or fight going on. But there’s conflict in the sense that your needs don’t align with your partner’s actions or decisions.

So long as you remain silent about how you really feel, you can’t hope for any kind of solution. After all, if your partner has no idea about how you feel, they can’t do anything to address the situation or your feelings about it.

It’s by sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner that you’re able to acknowledge that there’s something that needs to be addressed in the first place. The two of you can then work together to find out how you can both meet your needs in ways that work for each other and for your relationship. By acknowledging and working through these challenges when they arise, you can prevent them from negatively affecting your relationship. And you can even use them as a springboard for developing an even closer bond.

#4 It enhances self-love

Speaking up in your relationship is ultimately about standing up for yourself and for what’s right for you. When it comes down to it, this is an act of self-love—it’s an expression of the fact that you care about yourself and you’re willing to defend what matters to you.

As I mentioned earlier, when you don’t speak up about how you feel, it paves the way for feelings of unhappiness, anger, and resentment. So by telling your partner how you really feel when something isn’t right for you, you protect your own well-being.

Of course, practicing self-love in this way doesn’t just benefit you. It also has a positive impact on your partner and relationship.

How?

Because it’s by loving and honoring yourself that you’re able to truly love other people, including your partner. After all, when you feel deeply happy and fulfilled, you’re going to be in a much better position to truly love your partner and put in the effort to nurture your relationship.

By the way, if you’re curious about more of the benefits of self-love, check out the post I wrote all about it here.

#5 Speaking up is good for you and your relationship

We all experience times when our partner does something that we don’t like or has an opinion or preference that we don’t share.

But instead of speaking up and sharing our true thoughts and feelings, we tend to avoid conflict and keep the peace by staying silent.

As I’ve mentioned in this post, though, when you speak up clearly and compassionately in your relationship, it doesn’t jeopardize your bond with your partner. Instead, it strengthens it. Sharing how you feel protects your personal well-being, promotes healthy communication with your partner, and sets your relationship up for long-term success.

Now, I want to point out that in some ways, sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner is a second step. Because before you can share your thoughts and feelings, you need to know what they actually are. In other words, you need to know yourself well enough to know when your partner’s actions, decisions, or preferences don’t align with your own.

To help you do this, I’ve created a FREE worksheet for you called My Personal Compass.

It’ll help you understand your needs, priorities, and preferences so that you can clearly and compassionately communicate them to your partner.

Now, I’d love to hear from you. Was this blog helpful to you? Whether your answer is “yes” or “no”, please share in the comment section below.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.

See you again soon!

Vera

P.S. Even when you know that speaking up about how you feel strengthens your relationship, it can be hard to break through your fear of conflict and share your thoughts and feelings. If you’re looking for some tips on how to speak up without appearing confrontational, check out the video I made on How to Be Assertive Without Seeming Aggressive.

SHARE THIS: