Making Room for ME in Relationships: Want a Successful Relationship? This is WHO to be. + FREE My Personal Compass Worksheet
We’re often told that relationships are about “compromise” and “two people becoming one.”
So you might think that to make a relationship work, you need to relinquish your identity as an individual and take on the identity of one member of a couple.
The problem?
When you sacrifice yourself or your identity for a relationship, you end up losing yourself. You may not notice it as first. But eventually, you’ll realize that you don’t make as much time for the things you love, you don’t spend as much time with the other people you care about, and you don’t chase your own dreams as passionately as you used to.
Losing yourself or changing who you are to “fit” a relationship may not bother you initially. But over time, it’ll leave you feeling drained, unfulfilled, and even resentful. It’ll also limit your capacity to truly give and receive love—the very thing you’ve sacrificed yourself for.
That’s why this month, I’ll be publishing a blog post series called “Making Room for ME in Relationships.”
Across five posts, I’ll share why it isn’t just possible but actually ESSENTIAL and BENEFICIAL to keep being YOU when you’re in a relationship.
In particular, I’ll break down behaviors that people often think are harmful or selfish in a relationship and tell you why they’re actually HEALTHY for both you and your partner.
Ready for the first one? I am too!
So let’s kick off this series by talking about why it’s essential to be your true self in a relationship.
Why We Change Ourselves for Relationships
Before we jump into talking about why it’s important to be your true self, let’s get to the bottom of why we struggle to do this in the first place.
When we’re looking for a partner or beginning a new relationship, many of us feel compelled to be someone other than who we really are.
For example, let’s say that you’re getting back onto the dating scene and setting up an online dating profile in the hopes of meeting someone new. When you describe yourself in your dating profile, you might feel compelled to say that you “love going for hikes” or “love travelling” when you really don’t because you believe these are the qualities a partner would find attractive. In other words, you might pretend to be the type of person you think a partner would find attractive.
In other cases, you might change who you are to meet the needs or expectations of your partner. For instance, let’s say that you meet someone at a party and really hit it off with them. You start hanging out all the time and really falling for them. One day, however, your partner tells you that they want to be with someone who would be a stay-at-home parent and take care of the home while they build their career and pursue their professional dreams. You may have dreams of your own for your career. But if you really love your partner and want to make the relationship work, you might decide to put your dreams on the back burner and be the person your partner wants you to be.
If you feel like you’ve lost yourself in a relationship like this, you might pin the blame on your current relationship or partner. Instead, this concept of sacrificing yourself for a relationship might have been something you learned when you were younger. For example, maybe you saw your mom leave her career behind so she could raise you and your siblings while your dad built his corporate career. Or maybe you have an aunt or grandma who told you that “relationships are about sacrifice” and “not always being able to do what you want.”
This might have led you to believe that you need to give yourself away to a relationship—even if it means forgetting who you are, what you want, and what’s important to you. Note that you might have learned this at a subconscious level. So you might believe it without even realizing that you believe it and recognizing how it has shaped your behavior in relationships.
As I mentioned earlier, though, even if you don’t realize that you’ve changed who you are for a relationship, you’ll probably eventually realize that you’re unhappy, unfulfilled, or even resentful. This is how you know that being someone other than your true self isn’t working for you and that it’s actually compromising your own happiness and well-being and the success of your relationship.
The good thing is that it’s never too late to switch gears and start showing up as your true, authentic self in relationships. It isn’t necessarily easy to make the mindset shift to stop pretending to be someone else and feel confident living your truth when you’re dating or building a new relationship. But it’s always the healthiest road to take if you want to be happy, find the right partner, and build an unbreakable bond with someone you truly love.
Because when you embrace your true self in relationships, you…
Validate yourself
You may not realize it. But when you change or sacrifice who you are for a relationship, you implicitly tell yourself that who you really are isn’t good enough. You essentially say that someone with your values, passions, interests, goals, and identity isn’t the type of person a partner would truly want and love. In other words, you invalidate yourself.
When you don’t see who you are and what you want as valid, your self-esteem will take a hit and you’ll believe that your interests, passions, and goals aren’t as important as those of your partner. The problem is that devaluing what matters to you or disregarding it won’t make your needs and desires go away. It’ll simply make them even less likely to be fulfilled. And as long as you aren’t fulfilling your deepest needs and desires, you’ll have a hard time feeling joy and having the capacity to truly give and receive love.
In comparison, when you show up as your true self in your relationship, you implicitly tell yourself that you, your needs, and your desires are worthy of being loved—by both you and your partner. When you honor and recognize your needs as valid, you’re more likely to take the steps to ensure that they get fulfilled even when you’re in a relationship. This puts you in a much better position to truly feel happy and fulfilled as an individual and, therefore, truly feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship.
Protect your energy and well-being
There’s a reason why acting is a job (albeit a pretty glamourous one sometimes!): it’s hard work. It’s tough to be someone other than who you are, even if you’ve been doing it for years.
Whether you pretend to be someone else because you think it’s what your partner wants or because it’s what they expect from you, it’s incredibly exhausting. For example, if you’ve been pretending to be someone who really likes sports because the person you’ve been dating does, it’s can be really draining to make sure you don’t accidentally slip and reveal that you actually couldn’t care less about sports.
Similarly, if your partner wants you to be a stay-at-home parent and spend your days taking care of kids, doing laundry, and scrubbing toilets—things you really don’t enjoy—you’re going to feel drained day after day. After all, it takes much more energy to do something you really dislike than to do something you love. And although most people don’t love doing chores around the house, there’s a difference between getting them done between tasks and activities that you’re passionate about and resigning yourself to a life that requires making them your focus every day (unless it’s truly what makes you happy).
When you instead embrace your authentic self in your relationship, you live in alignment with your values, needs, and desires. It isn’t always easy to uncover who you really are. But when you connect with your authentic self and truly know what’s important to you, you’re able to live your truth in your relationship. And being who you are is far more effortless than trying to be someone you’re not.
Are more likely to find your soulmate
If you’re being someone other than who you truly are in a relationship, you’re more likely to end up with a partner who isn’t right for you.
Sure, pretending to love football because it’s what your crush loves might make them interested in you initially. And it might help you score a second date with them. But eventually, they’ll find out that you couldn’t care less about football. And if they somehow don’t, you’ll have to keep pretending to like football indefinitely.
Similarly, you might initially decide that it’s worth it to sacrifice your career dreams to build a relationship with someone you’re really attracted to. But if the kind of life they expect you to lead isn’t right for you, you’ll be unhappy. And you might find that you and your partner start bickering and arguing about even the most mundane things because you’re feeling unfulfilled all the time.
In both cases, you end up wasting time and energy on a partner and relationship that doesn’t light you up. That’s a shame. Because life is short. And the more time that you spend with someone who isn’t right for you, the less time you’ll have to enjoy a relationship that makes you feel happy and loved.
When you instead show up as your true self in a relationship, you’re more likely to attract a partner that you’re compatible with. Specifically, you’re more likely to end up with someone who has the same values as you, shares your interests, and believes in your dreams (even if theirs differ slightly).
Sure, being who you really are might rule out some people you’re physically attracted to. And it might mean that your current relationship will come to an end. But because being the real you brings you closer to a partner and relationship that truly meets your needs, it’s better for your happiness and well-being in the long run.
Are able to be honest with your partner
Just as you deserve honesty from yourself, your partner deserves honesty from you. And even if you’re able to fool a date or a new partner by hiding who you really are, it’ll only be a matter of time before they find out the truth.
When they do discover that you’ve been pretending to be someone else, they might be upset. They might be disappointed that the two of you aren’t as compatible as they thought you were. And they might be angry that you weren’t honest with them. As I’m sure you know, it’s hard to build a successful relationship based on dishonesty.
In comparison, when you show up as your true self in your relationship, you allow your partner to see exactly what they’re getting. They’re able to discover your true passions, interests, hopes, and dreams. And they get to decide if who you are is right for them.
Sure, some people may decide that you’re not the right person for them. But as I mentioned above, it’s better to find that out and allow both of you to move on than to waste time forcing a relationship to work when it was never meant to.
Boost your chances of relationship success
When you pretend to be someone you’re not in a relationship, you’re less likely to feel comfortable opening up and being vulnerable with your partner. This will limit how close you can get and how strong your relationship will be. After all, it’s by sharing your hopes, dreams, challenges, and fears that you’re able to truly connect with someone and build a loving bond.
In comparison, when you live your truth in your relationship, you’re more likely to feel comfortable sharing who you really are with your partner. This will increase the chances that your partner will do the same. And ultimately, it’ll allow you to connect on the deep level necessary to build a strong, healthy relationship that’s based on enduring love and trust. In fact, research even shows that when people are more true to themselves in relationships, they’re more likely to behave in ways that foster intimacy and feel positively about their relationship.
It pays to be the real you in your relationship
You might have learned that relationships are about compromise and sacrifice. This is true in the sense that when you’re building a life with someone else, you can’t focus solely on what you want and completely ignore what your partner needs.
However, if you change or lose yourself to satisfy your partner, it jeopardizes your own well-being and makes it harder to build a loving relationship.
That’s why it’s so important to make room for YOU in your relationship by being your true self. When you do, you’ll feel more fulfilled and happy as an individual. And it’ll set you up to be a loving partner to the person who’s truly right for you.
Of course, to be your true self in a relationship, you first need to know who you really are deep down.
To help you connect with and discover your authentic self, I’ve created a FREE worksheet called My Personal Compass.
It’ll help you gain a solid understanding of who you really are so that you can build and enjoy a loving relationship while still being YOU.
And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.
See you again soon!
Vera
P.S. To Be Your True Self in A Relationship, You Need to Feel Confident That the Right Person Will Love and Accept You for Who You Are. Want to know my secrets for doing this? Check out the video I made on how to feel more comfortable with being you.
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