Why Can’t I Have a Loving Relationship? + FREE Uncovering My Barriers Worksheet

Over the many years that I’ve been a therapist, I’ve worked with clients who have all sorts of goals. But there’s one goal that’s been more common than any other: having a loving relationship.

This doesn’t surprise me.

After all, as humans, we’re social beings. And we’re wired to connect and bond with other people. So it makes perfect sense that many of us want to have someone that we can share our lives with.

But whether you’re currently searching for love or navigating life with a partner, you know that finding a loving relationship isn’t necessarily easy.

This isn’t for the reason you might think, though.

You see, many of my clients believe that finding love is hard because you have to track down the one person on Earth who’s your perfect fit. And then, you have to hope that the stars align to make your relationship successful.

In reality, though, these aren’t the reasons why love is hard to find. After all, your ability to have a loving relationship doesn’t depend on external factors or what the universe has in store for you.

Instead, if you’re struggling to enjoy a loving relationship, it’s more likely that there are internal barriers—barriers within YOU—that are holding you back.

What kind of barriers might be stopping you from finding a partner who lights up your world and warms your heart?

That’s what I’ll be digging into in this second post of my “Why can’t I” series when I answer the age old question…

“Why can’t I have a loving relationship?”

Are you ready to find out what’s holding YOU back?

Let's dive in!

Limiting Beliefs About Relationships

If you’re struggling to find love or want more from your relationship, it probably isn’t time, money, or physical distance that’s truly holding you back from getting what you want. Instead, there’s a good chance that something else is standing in your way: your beliefs about relationships.

People have all kinds of beliefs about relationships.

Some of these beliefs are positive or healthy ones, like “I’m worthy of being loved” and “I’ll find the right partner eventually.”

But many people hold beliefs about relationships that are negative or unhealthy. For example, you might have negative beliefs about relationships if you think any of the following:

• “All men/women are cheaters”
• “I’ll never find someone who’s right for me”
• “I’m not worthy of love”

These negative beliefs aren’t facts that are supported by evidence. Instead, they’re assumptions that we make about ourselves, love, and relationships—often based on experiences we’ve had in past relationships.

But because we think that these beliefs are as true as concrete facts are, they stop us from giving and receiving love in healthy ways. And as a result, they can stand in our way of enjoying a loving, healthy relationship with a partner who truly cares about us.

Here are some of the most common limiting beliefs about relationships that may be holding YOU back:

Beliefs That Stop Your Search for Love Before It Even Starts

If you’re hesitant about dating or even meeting potential new partners, you might have limiting beliefs that convince you that it makes more sense to just avoid relationships altogether.

Specifically, you might have one of these beliefs…

“I’m not lovable”

If you were rejected by a previous partner or didn’t receive unconditional love from your family as a child, you might believe that you aren’t lovable. And as a result, you might think that there’s no way that someone else will love you or want to be in a relationship with you.

You may also believe that you’re unlovable if a previous partner told you that you were a bad person or had serious flaws. If you internalized these statements made by your partner and believe them to be facts (not simply your ex’s opinion), you might assume that a new potential partner would see you in the same way. This can make you think that you’re simply the type of person that no one would want to be with.

“I don’t deserve love”

If you struggle with this belief, you might think that you’re lovable. But you might believe that you don’t actually deserve to be loved.

Why would you think this?

Perhaps you think you’re a bad person because you hurt a partner in a previous relationship or weren’t as respectful as you could have been toward someone else in your life.

We’ve all made mistakes and done things that we aren’t proud of—even in relationships. But if you’re holding on to guilt about the way you treated an ex or something bad you did in the past, it might be stopping you from seeing yourself as someone who deserves to be loved.

“There’s no one out there for me”

If you hold this limiting belief, you might think that although there are billions of people on Earth, none of these people are right for you. And for this reason, you’re out of luck when it comes to finding love.

You might have developed this belief if you’ve spent some time dating and haven’t been able to find someone with the traits and values you’re looking for. And if you’re a bit older now, you might believe that anyone who would have been right for you is taken by now. This might make you think that it’s pointless to even try to find a partner because the type of person who’s right for you doesn’t exist or isn’t single anymore.

Beliefs That Prevent You from Giving Someone a Chance

Even if you’re open to dating and you meet someone new, you might have limiting beliefs that hold you back from giving a relationship the chance it deserves to thrive.

In particular, you might hold one of these beliefs:

“All men/women are the same”

If you were treated poorly in a past relationship, you might have the confidence to date again. But at the same time, you might assume that any new partner will treat you in the same way. So even if you find someone who’s a good fit for you and start exploring the relationship, your assumptions about this person might stop you from giving them the chance they deserve.

For example, if your ex used to lie to you constantly, you might assume that your new partner will do the same. And for this reason, you might have a hard time trusting them in the way that you need to if you want your relationship to grow in a healthy way. Over time, your current partner might get annoyed that you aren’t willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. They might also believe that if you’re unwilling to trust them, there’s no reason for them to open up and trust you.

“Love doesn’t last”

All relationships take work. But you might be less willing to work through the tough times if you believe that relationships never last. This kind of limiting belief can stem from many sources. But you might be particularly likely to have it if you experienced a difficult breakup or had parents who divorced.

Like the previous limiting belief, this one can stop you from truly opening up and giving a relationship a chance to grow and thrive. It can also lead you to throw in the towel and give up at the first sign of a conflict or challenge if you believe that there’s no way that your relationship can survive it.

“It’s dangerous to be vulnerable”

Especially if you were betrayed in a past relationship, you might believe that it’s dangerous to put your heart on the line and open up to someone else. In the short term, this might protect you from getting hurt again. But in the long run, it can stop you from opening up and connecting with a new partner so that you can build a strong bond with them. And if you aren’t willing to open up to your partner, it’s going to be hard to convince them that they should do the same in return.

So even if you meet someone who’s an excellent match for you, you might miss out on having a healthy relationship with them if you think it’s too dangerous to open up to them.

“A good relationship should be easy”

When you’re in a healthy relationship, you should feel loved, safe, and supported in pursuing your dreams. But even the best relationships take work—at least from time to time. So it won’t always feel easy.

However, if you believe that if a relationship is right for you, it should feel easy, you might leave a relationship prematurely. That is, at the first sign of an argument or fight, you might conclude that you and your partner aren’t right for each other and that you might as well leave the relationship before you waste any more time on it. As a result, you might miss out on an excellent relationship simply because your expectations for it (and for any kind of relationship) are unrealistic.

Beliefs That Keep You in Unhealthy Relationships

Many limiting relationship beliefs are beliefs that hold people back from pursuing relationships that could be an excellent fit for them. But it’s also possible to struggle with finding healthy love if you hold beliefs that keep you in unhealthy relationships.

Here are some examples:

“I need a relationship to be happy”

If you believe that being in a relationship defines you, you might think that you need to be in a relationship to feel happy, worthy, or satisfied with life. This might lead you to stay in a relationship that isn’t right for you or that’s even unhealthy because you’re scared of being single. You might even turn a blind eye when your partner treats you poorly or even believe that being mistreated is better than leaving the relationship and being single.

“A red flag isn’t a big deal”

You might also remain in a relationship that isn’t right for you if you believe that red flag behaviors aren’t a big deal. For example, if you really want to make a relationship work, you might think it’s okay if your partner flirts with someone else in front of you or lies to you from time to time. You might tell yourself that everyone has flaws and that no one is perfect. But if this belief stops you from recognizing and acting on unhealthy relationship behaviors, it can prevent you from leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you and finding the partner you deserve.

“I can change them”

You might also tolerate unhealthy behaviors from a partner if you believe that you can change them. For example, you might think that you’re the person who will finally get your partner to stop using substances or be faithful.

The truth, though, is that your partner can change only if THEY want to change. You can’t do the heavy lifting for them. So if they truly want to change and they’re hoping to have your support, great! But if not, this limiting belief can keep you stuck in an unhealthy relationship.

Uncover Your Limiting Beliefs to Get Your Love Life Back On Track

In this post, I’ve walked you through some of the most common limiting beliefs that keep people from finding or building a loving relationship.

So now I want to turn it over to you:

What kinds of limiting beliefs are holding YOU back from finding love?

This question is important because no matter who you are, you’re absolutely capable of having a loving relationship in your life. But to make it happen, you’ll first need to uncover and address the limiting relationship beliefs that are standing in your way.

As you think about the beliefs that you hold about relationships, be gentle with yourself, but really try to dig deep. Our limiting beliefs can be so firmly entrenched in our minds that we see them as undeniable facts. Or we might not even realize that we have them.

Because limiting beliefs can be tricky to identify, I’ve created a FREE Uncovering My Barriers worksheet.

It’ll help you uncover your limiting beliefs about relationships so that you can tackle them and get your love life back on track.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and master classes.

See you again soon!

Vera

P.S. Want to really get to the root of your limiting relationship beliefs so you can transform them and welcome the right partner into your life? Check out the video I made about how your inner child shapes your romantic relationships & what to do about it.

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