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When I was growing up, my parents, sister, and I all loved each other. But when we were together, the way that we interacted wasn’t always healthy.

My mom and sister would fight a lot. And because I wanted us to all get along, I would often try to play the role of the mediator and beg them to stop fighting and make up. This meant that I usually ended up getting dragged into conflicts that didn’t have anything to do with me. And in the end, I’d feel worse.

That’s why at the time, I sometimes dreaded family gatherings. I always wanted to have that “picture perfect” moment with my family where we all got along and enjoyed each other’s company. But my hopes would sometimes be dashed because inevitably, my mom, sister, and I would fall into our typical relationship patterns and dynamics. And before long, the chaos and conflict would lead to stress, anger, and a lot of hurt feelings.

If you have unhealthy dynamics, boundary crossers, or people you...

You’ve probably noticed that I spend A LOT of time talking about how to set boundaries clearly and confidently with the people in your life. And I’ve even shared some of the personal struggles that I experienced when learning how to set healthy boundaries in my own life.

But the reality is that the healthiest relationships are the ones where both people set boundaries with the other person and respect the boundaries set by the other person.

That’s why it’s important to learn not just how to set and enforce boundaries that you want other people to respect but to learn how to respect the boundaries that other people set with you.

Because when both you and your loved one respect each other’s boundaries, you let each other know that you love each other, that you respect each other’s autonomy, and that your relationship is a safe space for both of you. You also boost the trust and intimacy in your relationship and make it a “place” where...

I’ve been talking a lot recently about how setting boundaries was challenging for me when I first started doing it.

Initially, it was hard for me to overcome the boundary-setting guilt and anxiety I felt. And then I had to learn how to set boundaries clearly, confidently, and consistently so that people would be able to understand and respect them.

But it was important for me to conquer my fears and break through my barriers.

Why?

Because healthy boundaries are an ESSENTIAL part of healthy relationships. So before I could enjoy happy, loving relationships, I needed to put healthy boundaries in place.

The truth, though, is that when it comes to having healthy boundaries in your relationships, setting and enforcing your boundaries is just one part of the puzzle.

Because in addition to setting and maintaining your boundaries with your loved ones, it’s important to be able to accept and respect their boundaries.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Vera, OF COURSE...

I recently shared that when I first started to set boundaries in my relationships, people wouldn’t always respect them.

What I discovered over time is that in most cases, boundaries don’t break down because they’re useless or because the people you set them with are unreasonable. Instead, boundary violations usually happen because we don’t set and enforce our boundaries effectively.

The key word there is “most.”

Because sometimes, we have people in our lives who just won’t respect our boundaries no matter what we do to set and enforce them with respect and love.

Sometimes we have friends, family members, colleagues, or neighbors who are simply toxic. And because they’re toxic, they have a really hard time with accepting and respecting the limits we try to set with them.

When my clients are dealing with a toxic person in their life, they often feel defeated about setting boundaries with this person. They say things like,...

A big part of my journey of breaking free of overgiving was to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

As I’ve shared before, setting healthy boundaries was something that I really struggled with before I became a therapist.

Part of the reason why I struggled so much was because I felt very guilty about setting boundaries. I truly believed that if I put a boundary in place with someone, I was being selfish and denying my loved ones what they needed and deserved to be happy.

But it wasn’t just the guilt that made it tough for me to set boundaries. Boundary setting was also hard for me because in those early days, I often found that people violated the boundaries I set.

Whenever I set a boundary and someone violated it anyway, I used to think one of two things: (a) that boundaries don’t work or (b) that the other person was completely unreasonable.

The reality, though, is that boundaries are usually very effective when you set them skillfully. And most people in your...

When I used to take responsibility for my parents’ feelings, I thought I was helping them.

I thought that when I apologized for, made up for, or even changed choices I made that my parents didn’t like, I was doing them a favor.

In my mind, I was helping them go from feeling upset, disappointed, or abandoned to feeling happy again.

After all, no one wants to feel sad or angry when they can feel happy instead, right?

And isn’t it better if someone else can do the work of making you happy again instead of having to figure it out for yourself, especially if they are the reason why you’re upset?

That’s what I thought.

But I was wrong—and not just about being the reason why my parents were upset about my choices.

I was also wrong about the impact I had on my parents when I took responsibility for their feelings.

You see, I thought I was helping them. And in the short term, I might have been.

In the long run, though, I was actually limiting their...

I used to have a really hard time separating my responsibilities from those of the people around me.

So as I shared in my post on 5 signs that you’re overly responsible, I spent decades of my life taking on responsibilities that didn’t belong to me.

If you’ve read that post, you know that because I was overly responsible, I would go to the ends of the earth to keep my parents happy.

Whenever they felt hurt because of a decision that I made, I’d apologize profusely, I’d do everything I could to make it up to them, and I even once gave up an incredible job offer to appease them.

What I didn’t really get into in that post was that a well-paying job wasn’t the only thing I lost by being overly responsible and believing that it was my job to keep my parents (and others) happy.

I also sacrificed a HUGE amount of my time, energy, and happiness. And because I was so busy attending to the needs of my parents and other people in my life, I barely even...

When I was a kid, I was taught that it’s a good thing to be responsible. (And I’m betting you were too!)

Being responsible, I was told, means that you’re caring and dependable. So right from childhood, I learned that it was my job to be a responsible person.

That’s why whenever my parents were upset about a choice I made, I took responsibility for it.

When they felt angry because I chose to spend a Saturday afternoon with a friend instead of with them, I promised to make it up to them.

When they felt abandoned because I didn’t visit them as often as they wanted me to when I was in university, I apologized profusely.

And when they thought I was ignoring their needs because I was thinking of taking an incredible job offer in another city, I actually turned the offer down and moved home to live near them.

Why did I keep responding like this to my parents (and to other people in my life)?

I thought it was what a responsible person is supposed to do.

What I...

When you think about setting a boundary with your partner, sister, parent, or colleague, how do you feel?

Do you feel calm and confident?

Or do you feel like a complete basket case—one that’s full of anxiety and guilt?

If you sheepishly thought, “I’m definitely a basket case!”, I can reassure you that you’re in good company! Because as I’ve seen in my clients and students over the years, anxiety and guilt are common emotions that pop up when people think about setting boundaries.

In fact, they’re so common that I wrote all about why it’s so scary to set boundaries in my last blog post.

As I mentioned in that post, the anxiety and guilt that people experience when setting boundaries can be so powerful that they can stop people from actually setting the boundaries they want to.

The problem, as you might know by now, is that having healthy boundaries is essential for enjoying healthy relationships and maintaining your happiness and...

In my most recent posts, I shared why giving isn’t always healthy. And I explained why understanding your role in overgiving is so vital for finally breaking free of it and enjoying more balance in your life.

But there’s something else that’s important for stopping overgiving and getting your time and energy back: setting healthy boundaries.

And just like with understanding my power and role in overgiving, setting boundaries was something that I REALLY struggled with before I became a therapist.

You see, I used to believe that it was my duty to meet the needs of the people around me and make them happy and I didn’t even realize that I was actually losing myself. So I genuinely thought that if I said “no” to someone—even if I did it in the most loving way—that I was shirking my responsibilities and selfishly denying the person what they needed to be happy.

That’s why whenever anyone asked or expected me to do something, I would...