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When you’re a people pleaser, you pour a lot of your time and energy into doing things for other people, saying “yes” to their requests, and going along with what they want and say.

That’s why you might think that even though people pleasing can make you feel unhappy or burned out, it must be good for your relationships. After all, who wouldn’t want a partner who always agrees with them, a friend who never says “no,” or an employee who’s always baking them treats?

It’s true that people pleasing might reduce conflict in the relationship on the surface. And it might seem to make the other person really happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But the reality is that people pleasing doesn’t help relationships or set them up for success. Instead, it hurts them.

Why?

That’s exactly what I’m going to break down in this post.

Keep reading below to discover why your people pleasing is damaging your relationships.

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In my previous post, I told you why people pleasing eventually makes you feel unhappy, exhausted, resentful, empty, or dissatisfied with your life. (I also shared 7 ways to tell whether you’re a chronic people pleaser.)

But here’s the thing: It’s important to know that people pleasing hurts you in the long run. But just knowing this usually isn’t enough to make you stop doing it and start valuing yourself the way that you value the people around you.

That’s because the foundation of people pleasing—the reason WHY you invest so much time and energy into doing it—runs pretty deep. So to change how you prioritize and value yourself relative to others, you need to first get to the root cause of your people pleasing behavior. You need to first understand WHERE your people pleasing came from and HOW it affects your relationships today.

By gaining clarity on why you put so much effort into pleasing others, you’ll be able to heal yourself and...

When many of my clients first come to me, they have a decent job, a roof over their head, loyal friends, and maybe even a partner who cares about them.

Sounds like they have a pretty good life, right?

But you know what? The way they feel doesn’t match what their life looks like on paper.

For example, they might feel unhappy, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled. They might have the sense that there’s something missing in their life—even though they can’t put a finger on what it is. And in some cases, they may often be angry or irritable without really knowing why.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

If it does, you might be doing the same thing that many of my clients are doing when they first start working with me: you might be living someone else’s life instead of your own.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Vera, I’m the one who works my job, takes care of my family, and decides what to wear in the morning. So it’s MY life,...

Setting boundaries is about identifying and communicating limits about what is and isn’t okay to you.

Many of us are pretty comfortable with the idea of having boundaries with colleagues, parents, and friends. For example, you probably agree that intimate touching doesn’t belong in the workplace. And you might be 100% sure that no matter what, you never want to discuss your sex life with your parents.

But when it comes to romantic relationships, we often feel awkward or uncomfortable about putting boundaries in place.

Why?

Because we tend to think that if we truly love someone, we shouldn’t need to set limits on them or our relationship with them. After all, aren’t boundaries about keeping people apart?

We might also worry that if we put boundaries in place with our partner, they’ll think that we’re rigid or selfish.

But the reality is that boundaries are just as important in romantic relationships as they are in other types of relationships. In...

When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to believe that it’s your job to be easygoing and “keep the peace.”

After all, you don’t want to come across as a drama queen or as someone who’s high maintenance and constantly creating conflict.

So, for example, even though you’re not quite ready to move in with your partner, you might pretend that you are.

Or even though you hate that your partner’s friends are over at your house all the time, you might not tell your partner how you really feel.

Maybe it’s even just that you always tell your partner that you “don’t really care” about which restaurant the two of you go to or which movie you end up watching—even though you do.

You avoid expressing your true thoughts and feelings to your partner because you believe it’s the best way to keep things pleasant and make sure your relationship stays on track.

But do you want to know the truth—the truth...

Even if you love your partner and believe you have a strong bond with them, it can be hard to tell them what you need.

Why?

Because you don’t want to come across as bossy, needy, or demanding.

So instead of telling your partner that you need to go to bed by 9 p.m., eat a vegan diet, or talk to them at some point every day, you decide to stay quiet.

Maybe you tell yourself that you’ll communicate your needs to your partner later on in your relationship—when things “feel more secure” or you’ve been together longer.

Or maybe you even try to convince yourself that your needs aren’t all that important or that you should leave them behind now that you’re no longer single.

This may seem like the best way to avoid “rocking the boat” and make your relationship last.

But in reality, if you want to feel happy and satisfied—both in your own life and in your relationship—it isn’t just helpful to tell your partner what...

Whether you’re going on a blind date, attending a job interview, or expanding your social circle, there’s one piece of advice you’ll probably hear over and over again:

“Just be yourself.”

It sounds simple enough, right? After all, you are yourself. So how hard can it possibly be to just be yourself?

The truth is that it can be incredibly hard. It’s something that I see clients struggle with all the time. And it’s something that used to be very difficult for me too.

You see, I grew up in a culture where the needs of a family or community were more important than any one person’s individual needs. As a result, I grew up thinking that I needed to constantly mold myself to be the person I thought I was supposed to be or that other people wanted me to be—instead of being the person I truly was inside.

Being one person when you’re by yourself and another person when you’re with other people isn’t just exhausting. It...

In my last post—Post #3 in my Taking Care of Me series—I told you how to amplify your motivation to go after your goals and dreams.

As I’m sure you’ve realized, though, you don’t pursue your goals and dreams in a vacuum. Instead, you do it in the context of everything else that’s going on in your life—your career, your social life, and (perhaps most importantly) your relationship with your partner.

After all, if you decide that you want to quit your job and go back to school so you can change careers, you’ll need to talk to your partner about how this decision will affect your family’s finances.

Similarly, if you decide that you want to take up Pilates and attend a class by yourself two nights a week, you’ll need to have a conversation with your partner about blocking off that time in your schedule.

In other words, you’ll need to tell your partner what your needs are and put boundaries in place to protect your time,...

Has anyone ever told you to “just be yourself?” Have you ever really questioned what that really means? What does that look and feel like?

 The reason this may feel foreign to you is like many of us, we grew up with an inflicted idea of how our life should be and how it should turn out. From a young age we were told what the requirements are for the perfect life, such as going to school, getting an education, finding a full-time job, making money, find a significant other, get married, have kids and a perfect family. 

 Because we know no other, in order to achieve what we feel will bring us fulfillment, joy and happiness we do whatever it takes to try to achieve this false dream. We put everyone’s needs before our own, we keep ourselves exhausted, busy and stressed. We try to “keep up with the joneses” by working harder to gain more tangible items, see our family less and at the end of the day we’re too tired to invest in the...