Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

I have a question for you: have you experienced trauma in your life?

When you read my question, you might have almost automatically thought, “No, I don’t think so.”

And that’s because many of us tend to believe that trauma is something relatively rare that someone experiences if they’re involved in a violent crime, a natural disaster, or a major accident.

But the reality is that you can experience trauma even if you haven’t been assaulted, seriously injured in a car accident, or lived in a warzone.

Because trauma isn’t something that we experience only in response to “extreme” situations and experiences.

Instead, it’s something that nearly all of us have likely experienced at some point in our lives. And unless we’ve done deep inner work to address it, it may still be affecting our physical health, our happiness, and our relationships today.

So, is it possible that you’re a trauma survivor and don’t even...

Loving someone who won’t change can be incredibly tough. On the one hand, you really care about them and want to keep them in your life. But on the other hand, the relationship often leaves you feeling drained, resentful, disappointed, sad, and maybe even angry.

In recent weeks, I’ve shared how you can navigate a relationship like this in a healthy way. And I’ve chatted about ways to maintain your relationship with your loved one while nixing or at least reducing the stress that it may be creating for you.

But what if the relationship is really taking its toll on you?

What if you don’t really look forward to spending time with your loved one?

What if you just can’t look past the things they do that really bother you or that you don’t agree with?

Or what if having them in your life is starting to eat away at your mental health or affect other areas of your life?

Are these just a “normal” part of having a challenging relationship with...

Being in a relationship with someone who won’t change isn’t easy.

If you’ve ever experienced it, you know that it can be exhausting, frustrating, and painful. It can also make you feel sad—for what your loved one used to be like or could be like, for the lost potential of your relationship, and for what you’re not getting from them.

But do you know what makes it even harder?

Feeling stuck and confused about how to navigate the relationship.

My ex-husband had a drug addiction, and we ended up falling into a codependent relationship as a result.

This would have been a challenging situation under the best of circumstances. But it was even harder for me because there were some things that I didn’t know at the time about how to navigate challenging relationships in a healthy way.

For example, I didn’t know that when I was around my ex, I was better off focusing on what I COULD control than on what I couldn’t. (Read my previous post to learn...

Valentine’s Day is a day about celebrating love.

But like many people, I used to think that it was only about celebrating romantic love with another person.

And so whenever Christmas ended and the heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and candy started to fill store shelves, I used to feel sad and left out if I wasn’t in a relationship (or if I was in a rocky relationship).

My very idea of Valentine’s Day made me focus on what I was lacking—a healthy and loving romantic relationship.

And it stopped me from recognizing that romantic love isn’t the only kind of love that’s important to celebrate on Valentine’s Day.

After all, although romantic relationships are very important relationships for many people, they aren’t the only ones that matter. And they aren’t the only ones that are worth celebrating this Valentin

e’s Day.

So whether you’re single, happily partnered up, or in a rocky relationship this Valentine’s Day,...

A big part of my journey of breaking free of overgiving was to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

As I’ve shared before, setting healthy boundaries was something that I really struggled with before I became a therapist.

Part of the reason why I struggled so much was because I felt very guilty about setting boundaries. I truly believed that if I put a boundary in place with someone, I was being selfish and denying my loved ones what they needed and deserved to be happy.

But it wasn’t just the guilt that made it tough for me to set boundaries. Boundary setting was also hard for me because in those early days, I often found that people violated the boundaries I set.

Whenever I set a boundary and someone violated it anyway, I used to think one of two things: (a) that boundaries don’t work or (b) that the other person was completely unreasonable.

The reality, though, is that boundaries are usually very effective when you set them skillfully. And most people in your...

Last week, I laid out a blueprint for how to finally stop people pleasing so you can put yourself first.

These tips are great for helping you make day-to-day decisions based on what YOU want (not what your partner, neighbor, or boss wants). In other words, they empower you to have an equal voice in your relationship, confidently decline a request to dog sit, and stand your ground so you can protect your personal time from work.

But you know what? The day-to-day decisions you make aren’t the only time when other people’s needs, desires, and expectations can drown out your own.

You see, if you’re like a lot of the clients I’ve worked with over the years, you might find that even the bigger life decisions that you make are influenced by the opinions and expectations of the people around you.

For example, maybe you went to med school or pursued a career as an accountant because your parents wanted you to.

Maybe you married the type of person your family wanted...

In my last few posts, I’ve told you all about why people pleasing holds you back from being happy, living a meaningful life, and building healthy relationships.

So here’s what you might be thinking, “Okay, Vera, I know that people pleasing is hurting me more than it’s helping me. But it’s not like I can just wake up one morning and decide that I’m going to stop being a people pleaser. It’s just not that easy!”

You know what? I get it. Really, I do.

When you’ve spent years or even decades being a people pleaser, the idea of saying “no” to your neighbor or telling your partner what you want to eat for dinner can feel terrifying. 

At the same time, though, putting an end to your people pleasing ways is essential if you want to start prioritizing the most important person in your life—YOU!

How on Earth do you do this?

Keep reading below to learn my 9 steps to finally stop people pleasing.

. . . . . . . ....

When you’re a people pleaser, you pour a lot of your time and energy into doing things for other people, saying “yes” to their requests, and going along with what they want and say.

That’s why you might think that even though people pleasing can make you feel unhappy or burned out, it must be good for your relationships. After all, who wouldn’t want a partner who always agrees with them, a friend who never says “no,” or an employee who’s always baking them treats?

It’s true that people pleasing might reduce conflict in the relationship on the surface. And it might seem to make the other person really happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But the reality is that people pleasing doesn’t help relationships or set them up for success. Instead, it hurts them.

Why?

That’s exactly what I’m going to break down in this post.

Keep reading below to discover why your people pleasing is damaging your relationships.

...

In my previous post, I told you why people pleasing eventually makes you feel unhappy, exhausted, resentful, empty, or dissatisfied with your life. (I also shared 7 ways to tell whether you’re a chronic people pleaser.)

But here’s the thing: It’s important to know that people pleasing hurts you in the long run. But just knowing this usually isn’t enough to make you stop doing it and start valuing yourself the way that you value the people around you.

That’s because the foundation of people pleasing—the reason WHY you invest so much time and energy into doing it—runs pretty deep. So to change how you prioritize and value yourself relative to others, you need to first get to the root cause of your people pleasing behavior. You need to first understand WHERE your people pleasing came from and HOW it affects your relationships today.

By gaining clarity on why you put so much effort into pleasing others, you’ll be able to heal yourself and...

When many of my clients first come to me, they have a decent job, a roof over their head, loyal friends, and maybe even a partner who cares about them.

Sounds like they have a pretty good life, right?

But you know what? The way they feel doesn’t match what their life looks like on paper.

For example, they might feel unhappy, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled. They might have the sense that there’s something missing in their life—even though they can’t put a finger on what it is. And in some cases, they may often be angry or irritable without really knowing why.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

If it does, you might be doing the same thing that many of my clients are doing when they first start working with me: you might be living someone else’s life instead of your own.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Vera, I’m the one who works my job, takes care of my family, and decides what to wear in the morning. So it’s MY life,...