CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS: Why Do We Argue If We Love Each Other? + FREE Relationship Conflict Quiz
Does it seem like you and your partner are always arguing about something these days?
If you do, you might be feeling emotionally exhausted and frustrated. But you might also be feeling a bit confused.
After all, if you and your partner care about each other and are in a committed relationship, why do you butt heads so much?
If you think you’re alone in wondering this, I want you to know right now that you most definitely are NOT.
Because when I work with couples in my practice, one of the most common issues they raise is that they argue or disagree ALL the time (and they’re sick of it).
As an example, let me tell you about one of my clients. For the sake of this blog post, we’ll call her Rachel.
Rachel came to me because she and her husband Marcus seemed to be fighting about everything lately.
One time, for example, she had gotten home from work late in the evening after an exhausting day during her company’s busy season. She was hoping to walk in the door and go straight upstairs to get ready for bed. But when she arrived home, she found that Marcus had left dirty dishes piled in the sink and on the counters in the kitchen.
Rachel was completely wiped out from a grueling day at work, and the last thing she wanted was to spend an hour cleaning up the kitchen. So when she saw the kitchen and then spotted Marcus sitting in the living room and watching TV, she stomped right over to him and started yelling at him about the dishes. And they ended up getting into a massive fight.
When I ask my clients why they think they and their partner argue so much, I often hear things like, “He’s so unreasonable,” “He expects me to do everything,” “He doesn’t care enough about our relationship,” or even “I guess we’re just not as compatible as we thought we were.”
The truth, though, is that in MOST relationships, the issue isn’t incompatibility or that one person doesn’t care enough or try enough.
So what is it?
Why do you and your partner argue so much?
That’s exactly what I’m going to clarify for you in this blog post.
Keep reading below to find out WHY it seems like you and your partner can’t stop disagreeing these days.
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Why You Argue Instead of Just Disagreeing
Just like my client Rachel and her husband Marcus, you and your partner are different people. So it’s only natural that you’re going to have different opinions, preferences, and values from time to time. This is why disagreeing is NOT unhealthy or problematic in a relationship. In fact, disagreeing is healthy because it means that you and your partner are each embracing your own identities and authentic selves.
So how does an ordinary, healthy disagreement turn into an argument or fight?
When you and your partner try to deal with your differences by communicating in an INEFFECTIVE way.
Let’s talk about the two key types of ineffective communication that turn a simple disagreement into a heated argument:
1. Unhealthy Communication
Let’s talk about unhealthy communication during a disagreement by returning to the story of Rachel and Marcus.
I mentioned that when Rachel came home to a pile of dishes in the kitchen, she and Marcus got into a massive fight. Here’s how it unfolded:
When Rachel saw Marcus sitting in the living room and watching TV, she stormed over to him and said, “What the heck, Marcus??? I come home from work completely exhausted after a draining day, and what do I find? You watching TV while all of the dishes that you used to make and eat dinner are piled high in the kitchen. You always do this! You always expect me to do EVERYTHING while you get to kick back, put your feet up, and relax. Why can’t you pull your weight in this relationship JUST ONCE???”
Marcus then shoots back by saying, “Pull my weight? You think I don’t pull my weight??? Just because I don’t do every little thing around this house the way that you want it doesn’t mean that I don’t pull my weight. Why do you always have to jump down my throat and boss me around ALL the time?”
Fuming, Rachel then says, “Well, Marcus, I wouldn’t have to ‘boss you around’ all the time if you would just do things without having to be told to do them.”
And on and on it went.
As you might be able to see, there are a couple of problems with using unhealthy communication to work through a disagreement between you and your partner.
First, when you and your partner use unhealthy ways of communicating to work through your differences, you often end up feeling hurt and uncared for by each other.
Just think of that conversation between Rachel and Marcus. At one point, Rachel said “You always do this! You always expect me to do EVERYTHING while you get to kick back, put your feet up, and relax. Why can’t you pull your weight in this relationship JUST ONCE???”
How do you think it made Marcus feel when she said this? Attacked and judged, right? After all, according to Rachel, he doesn’t put enough effort into their relationship.
And what did Marcus say in response?
He said, “Why do you always have to jump down my throat and boss me around ALL the time?”
I bet you can imagine how this made Rachel feel. That’s right! She felt angry. How else was she supposed to feel when Marcus implied that she’s annoying and bossy for wanting to come home to a clean house?
When you and your partner disagree about something, it’s really easy to point fingers at each other or put each other down—even though your goal isn’t to hurt the other person. Because both you and your partner feel hurt, it’s hard for the two of you to listen to each other empathically and respond in loving and supportive ways toward each other when you’re trying to talk about your differences. This only makes it more likely that the two of you will continue to react with anger, setting the stage for the conversation to escalate further.
Second, when you and your partner handle disagreements with unhealthy communication, it makes it LESS likely that you’ll be able to identify what you’re really arguing about.
You see, when you and your partner get into a heated argument, you might think that you’re fighting about who forgot to do the dishes, who’s making more money, who wants more sex, who’s more affectionate, or who’s doing more to plan for the future. But this usually isn’t the real problem. Instead, the real problem is probably that you want to feel heard, valued, respected, or cared for more.
When you spend your conversations blaming each other or lashing out in anger, it’s very difficult to identify the real issue that you’re fighting about. And if you can’t identify and discuss what you’re truly fighting about, it’s very difficult to work through the disagreement effectively.
2. A Lack of Communication
Disagreements also turn into arguments when you try to avoid communicating about the disagreement altogether.
For example, let’s say that instead of walking up to Marcus and yelling at him about the dishes, Rachel had decided to swallow her frustration, politely greet Marcus, and head into the kitchen to tackle the mountain of dishes by herself.
Keeping her mouth shut about how she was feeling allowed Rachel to avoid a heated conversation with Marcus after an exhausting day at work. But Rachel still felt angry and frustrated. And she was really annoyed to have to wash a huge pile of dishes when she was already so tired from a long work day.
Rachel kept her feelings to herself the next time that Marcus didn’t do the dishes too. And the time after that. And the time after that.
But then one day, Rachel was sitting in the kitchen when Marcus came in and placed an empty cup of coffee on the counter instead of inside the dishwasher. Unable to take it anymore, Rachel completely exploded at Marcus. They ended up getting into a full-blown fight, saying hurtful things that they didn’t mean, and not talking to each other for the next couple of days.
When your partner does something that is not how you really want, it’s easy to think that staying quiet or agreeing to whatever your partner says is the easiest or safest thing to do. After all, if you don’t confront your partner about an issue, you can’t rock the boat, start a huge fight, hurt your partner, or do something that would make them want to break up with you.
But the problem is that even if you and your partner don’t talk about an issue, the issue doesn’t go away. Instead, it continuously simmers, and you continue to feel the negative feelings that you have about it. You might also resent your partner for continuing to do or not do whatever it is that made you upset in the first place.
In Rachel’s case, she wanted Marcus to recognize and respond to her need for help around the house when she has to work long hours during her company’s busy season. By not talking to Marcus about the mountain of dishes, Rachel was able to avoid an argument in the moment. But her anger and frustration remained. And because Marcus didn’t understand that the dishes were strongly related to an important need that Rachel has, he kept leaving the dishes on the counter late into the evening week after week. And this only made Rachel’s resentment and anger grow deeper and deeper.
Why Effective Communication Is Worth Learning
Ineffective communication doesn’t just make for some unpleasant conversations and hurt feelings between you and your partner. It can also set the stage for a breakup.
In fact, research shows that communication issues and the tendency to “argue too much” are among the most common reasons people give for getting divorced. In particular, when couples regularly interact in a way that involves criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling (shutting down during a conversation), they are more likely to eventually get divorced. These communication habits are actually so destructive to the long-term health of a relationship that they’re known in relationship science as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
This is why it’s worth it to learn how to communicate with your partner in healthy, effective ways during times of conflict. When you know how to approach moments of conflict with compassion and understanding instead of anger and frustration, you’re able to prevent disagreements from escalating, identify and address the actual issue effectively, and even use the conflict as an opportunity to deepen the bond with your partner.
In my next blog post, I’m going to tell you how to start doing this when I share how to stop fighting and start communicating in your relationship.
But before you start thinking about how to improve communication in your relationship, it’s important to identify what conflict in your relationship looks like right now and how you and your partner typically handle it.
How can you do this in a way that’s quick and painless?
Take my online Relationship Conflict Quiz.
In less than 5 minutes, you’ll learn your Relationship Conflict Style. You’ll also get tailored recommendations and resources for handling conflict more effectively delivered straight to your inbox.
Like I mentioned, in my next post, I’ll be sharing some of my favorite tips for communicating effectively with your partner so you can manage conflict in your relationship with less stress and more love.
But if you think you could use a bit of extra help with managing conflict in your relationship without the anger, frustration, and tears, my 6-week online course From Conflict to Ultimate Love™ is perfect for you.
In it, you’ll get a complete road map for understanding triggers in your relationship, breaking free from toxic relationship habits, keeping your cool during conflict, de-escalating tense conversations, and finding solutions that actually deepen the love and intimacy in your relationship. Get all the details right here.
And finally, if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.
Until next time!
Vera
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