Intimacy in Relationships: Why Being Close is More Important Than Sex + FREE 7 Days of Intentional Intimacy Blueprint

Why do we usually call rom coms and romance novels “guilty pleasures”? Because even if we enjoy them, we tend to think that they’re silly or ridiculous—that they don’t show us what “real life” or a “real relationship” is like. After all, these movies and novels often feature couples taking long walks on the beach, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, and texting love notes to one another all day long.

The honeymoon phase of a relationship may look something like that, we think. But in our eyes, a mature, long-term relationship just isn’t like that. A “real” relationship isn’t a passionate whirlwind of being deeply in love with your partner and feeling like you can’t bear to be separated from them. It’s more like being business partners with someone you hopefully like and have sex with from time to time, right?

You know what, though? That’s not really right.

Yes, it’s true that the intense passion that characterizes the honeymoon phase of a relationship tends to fade over time. But this doesn’t mean that feeling deeply close and emotionally bonded to your partner does.

In fact, having a deep emotional connection with your partner isn’t just a normal part of a mature, long-term relationship. It’s essential for having a healthy relationship (and WAY more important than just having a great sex life!).

In this blog post, I’m going to share 5 reasons why.

Here we go!

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1.  We Need It

This might seem like an exaggeration, but it’s not.

Having a close emotional bond with your partner isn’t something that’s just nice or lucky to have (in the way that having a personal chef or a massage therapist as a partner is). It’s essential for living a happy, healthy life. Let’s talk about why.

Scientific research on relationships tells us that we’re wired to form a close, secure bond with someone who can give us the love and support we need to thrive. For this reason, we seek out this bond right from our first day on Earth—the day that we are born.

Specifically, as infants, we engage in behaviors (such as crying) that encourage our caregivers to stay close to us. This increases the chances that our caregiver will feed us, keep us physically safe, and give us the love we need to survive and develop into physically and psychologically healthy adults. It also makes us feel safe to learn, grow, and explore the world around us. Because as long as we do, indeed, have a secure emotional bond with our caregiver, we know that no matter what happens when we’re off exploring and growing, we can always count on our caregiver to be there for us.

When we become adults, we may no longer depend on someone else to feed us, bathe us, and make sure that we don’t tumble off the couch and injure ourselves. But our innate need to be closely bonded to a loved one remains. After all, we may be able to meet our physical needs by ourselves. But because we’re social animals, we depend on having meaningful relationships in our lives to meet our emotional needs.

That’s why we crave connection with the people we love, and especially with our romantic partner. And it’s why we feel so threatened and upset when we think we might be losing this connection with the person we love the most.

When we have a close, secure emotional bond with our partner, we have the love and support we need to navigate daily challenges, explore new opportunities, and chase our dreams—even when these things scare us. Because just like we felt with our caregiver when we were a kid, we know that our partner will be there to care for us and support us no matter what.

In an upcoming post, I’m going to do a deep dive into how the bond we have with our caregiver(s) as infants influences the bond we have with our romantic partner as adults. But for now, what’s important to know is that wanting a close emotional bond with your partner isn’t a silly fantasy. It’s a basic human need that you and everyone else has. And when your needs are met, you’re able to be more loving and present in your relationship.

2.  It Helps Us Navigate Stress

In the previous section, I mentioned that having a close emotional bond with a loved one helps us feel safe to navigate the world around us. This is an incredibly important benefit, so I want to talk about it in more detail here.

We all experience stress from time to time, whether it’s because of a challenge we’re facing at work, the loss of a loved one, or an exciting yet scary career change that we’re making. But when we have a close emotional bond with our romantic partner, we’re more resilient and better able to thrive in the face of this stress.

Why?

Research shows that just being close to a loved one calms our nervous system. For example, in a research study, Dr. Jim Coan found that when partners held hands, it drastically reduced their brain’s alarm response to threat. This tells us that being emotionally close to our partner makes us feel more capable of taking on the world and whatever it throws at us.

When we believe that we matter to our partner and that they’ll be there for us no matter what, stressors, challenges, and obstacles feel less scary and easier to move past and overcome. We also know that we can confide in our partner when we fail, rely on them for advice when we feel uncertain, and lean on them for support when we need some extra encouragement and love.

Being closely connected to our partner also empowers us to grow as people and embrace our true selves. When we know that our partner loves us and accepts us for who we truly are, we feel more confident in ourselves and can more easily let go of limiting beliefs that tell us that we’re not smart enough, strong enough, or qualified enough to achieve our goals. This allows us to push ourselves, take risks, and explore roads that we’ve never traveled down. And it enables us to make the (sometimes big) changes we need to make to our lives to bring it into alignment with who we really are at our core.

As you can imagine, when we’re less stressed and more in alignment with our true selves, we’re better able to give our partner and relationship the effort and love they deserve.

3.  It Brings Us Joy

Having a close emotional bond with our romantic partner doesn’t just help us navigate stress. It also brings joy to our life.

In the West, we tend to place a lot of emphasis on being independent and self-sufficient adults—almost to the point where we believe that being dependent on someone in any way is a weakness. This perspective makes sense when we think of it in terms of taking responsibility for our own happiness. After all, it’s up to each of us to create the happiness we want in our lives, not anyone else.

However, it isn’t wrong or weak to be emotionally close with a romantic partner and look to them for love and support. Instead, it’s a tremendous strength because it brings us joy.

Specifically, when we feel closely connected to a loved one, our body releases a feel-good hormone known as oxytocin. Oxytocin triggers a rush of joy and naturally boosts our optimism and self-esteem. It also activates the part of our brain that’s related to bonding, which encourages us to nurture our relationships further. And it even lowers our blood pressure, reduces cortisol, accelerates healing, and improves gastrointestinal health.

This is why research shows that people in close, long-term relationships tend to be the happiest and most satisfied. As I mentioned earlier, we’re wired to form close bonds with those we love. So when we feel closely connected to our partner, we’re happier, healthier, and more likely to seek out ways to deepen our connection with them further.

4.  It Strengthens Communication

Above, I’ve shared how having a deep emotional connection with our partner strengthens our relationship by helping us meet some of our most fundamental needs. However, being closely connected to our partner also strengthens our relationship in more direct ways by improving our communication with one another.

Specifically, when we share a deep emotional bond with our partner, we truly see them and understand their needs, desires, passions, values, and goals. We also trust them, feel safe with them, and feel comfortable being vulnerable with them. This allows us to more easily understand how our partner is feeling, what they might be struggling with, and what they need from us. And it empowers us to tell them how we’re feeling, what we’re struggling with, and what we need from them.

When we already have some insight into how our partner is doing and what they need, it’s easier for us to start a conversation with them, show empathy as we listen to them, and identify how we can best support them. We also feel more at ease opening up to them about what’s on our mind or what our heart needs.

Because we feel safe with our partner, we’re also more likely to actually tell them what’s bothering us or why we’re upset instead of avoiding issues, acting like we’re okay, or shutting down out of fear. This makes it easier to communicate during times of conflict so that we can work through differences or manage issues in a way that respects and meets both people’s needs.

5.  It Improves Sex

It probably isn’t too surprising that having a deep emotional connection with our partner improves communication between the two of us. But you might be surprised to learn that it also leads to better sex.

You don’t have to look far to find a blog post, magazine article, or ad implying that we can improve our relationship by spicing up our sex life. The truth, though, is that even though sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, having more or better sex won’t improve our relationship. Do you know what will? Developing a deeper emotional connection with our partner.

Having a close emotional bond with our partner sets the stage for great sex by triggering that rush of joy, love, and confidence that I talked about earlier. It combines the physical stimulation of sex with the emotional euphoria of having a close emotional bond to create an experience that physical intimacy alone just can’t match.

So by creating a deeper emotional connection with our partner, we don’t just enhance our emotional intimacy. We boost the physical intimacy in our relationship too.

Make Emotional Closeness a Priority

When we’ve been with someone for a while, we can fall into the habit of living alongside them but not truly WITH them. For example, we might exchange some quick words with our partner as we scramble to get ready for work, send a brief text during the day to coordinate daycare pick-up logistics, and have a brief conversation to plan the next day as we get ready for bed.

It’s easy to believe that this is just what a mature, long-term relationship is like. But the reality is that our life and relationship are so much richer, beautiful, and meaningful when we share a close emotional connection with our partner. It’s by being closely bonded with them that we’re able to navigate daily challenges with grace, manage conflict effectively, embrace our true selves, and even have better sex!

That’s why it pays to make emotional closeness with your partner a priority.

Now, you might be thinking, “Vera, that sounds great. By HOW do I actually deepen my connection with my partner? What am I actually supposed to do?”

That’s exactly why I developed a FREE blueprint for you called 7 Days of Intentional Intimacy.

It’ll help you incorporate simple acts of emotional intimacy into your everyday life so that you can build a deeper connection with your partner.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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