LOVE, LOVE & MORE LOVE: Want a Life You Love? Here’s Who You NEED to Respect + FREE Respect ME Worksheet

When many of my clients first start working with me, there’s something they want out of life that they haven’t been able to achieve or experience.

Some clients are looking for a relationship that makes them feel safe, excited, and loved.

Other clients want to break free from a job or career that leaves them feeling drained every single day.

And there are also clients who just don’t feel happy or fulfilled when they wake up in the morning.

Even though every client is looking for something different, there’s something that unites them: they tend to think that they don’t have the life they want because they just aren’t trying hard enough.

And I don’t blame them.

Because a lot of blogs, self-help books, and social media influencers tell us that we can achieve anything that we want if we just work hard enough at it. And they tell us that if we’re not getting the results we want, it’s because we’re not trying hard enough. We’re not putting ourselves out there enough, we’re not putting in the long hours, or we’re not taking that big leap of faith that we should be taking.

That’s why when my clients first come to me, they often throw their hands up in despair and say, “I’ve tried SO hard to find the right partner/form fulfilling relationships/create a lifestyle that’s right for me/stand up for myself, but nothing has changed! I still don’t have what I want, and I don’t know how much harder I can work at this!”

This is when I have to break the news to them.

This is when I have to tell them that although putting energy and effort into their goals is important, hard work alone won’t get them the life they want.

Because you can put in all the hard work you want. But you’ll have a hard time working hard in the right way if you’re missing something critical: self-respect.

You see, when I was younger, I was just like a lot of my clients: I wanted to feel happy, fulfilled, and loved. And I wanted a life that would light me up.

So when I was graduating from the University of Belgrade back in 1995, I put a lot of time and effort into figuring out how to set myself up for success and the life I wanted in the future. Through this process, I realized that staying in Belgrade would open more doors for me than going back to my hometown would. So when I came across a job posting for a position at a modeling agency, I worked hard to put together the best job application I could and perform to the best of my abilities at the job interview. And you know what? I got the job!

I was thrilled to get the job offer, especially because I knew it would give me the chance to travel, meet people in the modeling industry, and pursue all sorts of opportunities. And it paid a competitive salary.

But unfortunately, I didn’t get to celebrate for long. Because as soon as I told my family about the job offer, they started pressuring me to turn it down and move back home instead. They even went as far as to try to convince me that the job “must be a scam” (it wasn’t) and say things like, “Why would you live alone in Belgrade when you can live here with us?”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved my family, and there were lots of people in my hometown who I cared about. It wasn’t that I wanted to leave them. It was that I knew that taking the job in Belgrade was the right path for me to take.

And yet, I ended up caving to the pressure from my family and turning down the job offer. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought that doing what my family wanted would make me happy, but it didn’t. And I became unhappy, depressed, and lost.

Why did I feel this way? Why did I feel anything but happy at the incredible graduation party that my parents threw for me after I moved back home?

Because when I turned down the job in Belgrade, I hadn’t respected myself.

This might not seem like a big deal.

But the reality is that when you don’t genuinely respect yourself, it becomes very difficult to enjoy the life you really want.

That’s why in this blog post, I’m going to break down what self-respect is, why it matters, and how to cultivate it so that you can successfully build the life or relationships you want. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What Is Self-Respect?

Recently, I talked about the importance of self-love and why it matters so much for your personal well-being and your relationships.

Self-respect is an important component of self-love because it has a big impact on how you perceive and act on your needs, desires, and goals.

But what exactly is it?

To put it simply, self-respect is an act of respecting yourself in the same way that you would respect another person.

More specifically, it’s about honoring your dignity, knowing your worth, appreciating your true self, making choices that align with your true self, advocating for yourself, and embracing both your strengths and weaknesses. In other words, when you have self-respect, you believe that you are as worthy of respect, love, and attention as everyone else is.

Now, I want you to take a moment and ask yourself this:

Do you respect yourself?

Your initial reaction might be to laugh or even roll your eyes and think, “Vera, OF COURSE I respect myself! What kind of a crazy question is that???”

But let’s really think about it.

If you’re someone with high self-respect, you…

• stick to your values and beliefs instead of changing them to accommodate other people
• have confidence in your strengths and how to leverage them
• view your weaknesses as opportunities for growth
• say “yes” when you mean “yes” and say “no” when you mean “no”
• make your needs a priority
• take care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being
• pursue your hobbies or interests enthusiastically and unapologetically
• communicate your thoughts and feelings honestly and openly
• understand and honor your boundaries
• take action when something doesn’t feel right to you

Can you look at this list and honestly say that you do most of these things most of the time?

If the answer is “yes,” awesome! You have high self-respect.

If the answer is “no,” don’t feel bad about yourself. I can tell you that you’re NOT alone. In fact, you’re probably in the majority.

That’s because we tend to have a pretty easy time respecting most of the people in our lives. But we tend to miss showing this same respect toward ourselves.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying that you necessarily think badly of yourself (although some people do). Instead, you might disregard your needs, goals, and desires or think they’re less important than those of other people.

For example, a lack of self-respect can be when you cope with a breakup by drinking excessively or pursuing a rebound relationship just to make your ex jealous.

But it can also be when you tell yourself that you should quit a job you love and become a stay-at-home parent because it’ll be better for your kids.

Or it’s when you’re a professional photographer and you agree to photograph your cousin’s wedding for free because your aunt pressured you into it.

And it can even be when you don’t take half an hour to do that online yoga class or go for a walk by yourself because someone else in the house needs to be fed, changed, or hugged.

Why Self-Respect Matters

Lacking self-respect may not seem like a big problem. And to some people, it might even seem like a good thing because it can seem like selflessness.

But the issue is that if you don’t respect your needs, desires, and goals, you’ll end up making choices and decisions every day that are based on this idea that what matters to you lacks worth.

It’s how you end up giving up the 30 minutes of “me time” that you’ve been looking forward to all day because your 5-year-old wants to have story time with you instead of with your partner.

And it’s how you end up turning down opportunities to work on and build a business you want to start because you think you always need to be home to cook dinner for and eat with your spouse.

In comparison, when you have high self-respect, you believe that your happiness matters, that your dreams matter, and that living a fulfilling life matters. You’re able to identify what really matters to you, prioritize these needs and goals, work hard toward achieving them in a focused way, and understand when you can vs. can’t compromise on something.

And as I’ll be diving into in my next blog post, self-respect is also incredibly important for building healthy relationships with others. After all, we build our lives from the inside out. That’s why it’s impossible to be respected and valued by others if you don’t respect and value yourself first.

How to Cultivate Self-Respect

Now that you know what self-respect is and why it matters for building the life you want, let’s talk about how to cultivate it.

Here are my 3 favorite ways to boost the respect you have for yourself:

1. Live Authentically

A big part of self-respect is honoring and respecting your needs, desires, and values. So if you want to cultivate self-respect, a great place to start is to identify the needs, desires, and values that truly matter to you and to make choices that align with them.

When you do this, you might realize, for example, that time is very important to you. Maybe you even discover that time is more important to you than money or getting promoted at work.

Based on this, you might decide that as dedicated as you are to your job, you won’t take on optional tasks or projects that would increase the chances that you’d have to take work home with you. You might also decide that you’ll be more selective about attending work events outside of normal business hours.

You recognize that turning down opportunities and invitations at work might decrease your chances of getting promoted or earning a higher salary. But because protecting your personal time is more important than the career or financial advantage that you’re passing up, you’re comfortable with and even happy about your choices.

2. Consider Your Own Feelings and Needs

Another critical step in cultivating self-respect is to consider your own feelings and needs instead of sacrificing them for the sake of other people.

When I turned down the job in Belgrade because my family wanted me to move back home and live close to them, I sacrificed what I wanted and what was important to ME for the sake of making them happy. I gave up what was right for me because I placed what my family wanted and how they felt above MY needs and feelings. 

If you’re a people pleaser (many of my clients are when they first come to me), you might have a habit of saying “yes” to people even when your heart is screaming “no.” For example, you might agree to babysit for your sister even though you already had plans for Saturday night and really didn’t want to cancel them. Or, to take a more extreme example, you might pursue a particular career because it’s what your family wants you to do.

People pleasing usually stems from a desire to make other people happy, win their approval, and avoid rejection. But if you’re sacrificing your needs and feelings to make other people happy, you’ll end up feeling disappointed, resentful, and unfulfilled sooner or later.

When you consider your own feelings and needs, you view them to be at least as important as the feelings and needs of other people. So you think, “Yes, my sister needs someone to watch her kids so that she can attend a party with her husband. But I also need time to relax and unwind, and this need is just as important. If I give up my opportunity to recharge this weekend, I’ll have to start the next work week feeling drained, and that’s going to make me, my family, and my colleagues miserable.”

Of course, considering your own feelings and needs isn’t about making everything all about you all the time. And it wouldn’t mean always saying “no” when your sister asks you to babysit. It simply means that you don’t continuously devalue or disregard your needs and feelings for the sake of other people. So you might decide that you would be willing to babysit for your sister occasionally if she asks in advance, but you won’t give up your plans every weekend to provide free childcare.

3. Take Charge of Your Happiness

You can also cultivate self-respect by taking charge of your own happiness.  

For many years, I struggled to feel joy and fulfillment in my life and I didn’t know why. I thought it was because I was extremely unlucky and kept falling for men who weren’t right for me. But what was really happening was that I was relying on other people to make me happy. Specifically, I kept thinking that it was my partner or my relationship with him that was responsible for making me happy. And because of this, I was never truly happy (even though I thought I felt happy at times).

You can tremendously boost your self-respect (and happiness) by understanding and embracing the fact that your happiness is your own responsibility, not anyone else’s. Yes, having a great relationship with your partner or working a job you love may bring you joy. But it isn’t up to your partner or your job to make you happy; it’s up to YOU!

Taking charge of your own happiness is a huge responsibility, but it’s also incredibly empowering. Because it means that you aren’t stuck being unhappy even if you’re currently in a relationship that isn’t working out or feel stuck in a career that sucks the life out of you. When you take charge of your own happiness, you make choices and decisions based on what best aligns with your needs, desires, and goals. And it’s by intentionally living your life in a way that aligns with you who truly are and what matters to you that you bring joy to your life.

When I moved to the U.S. many years ago, I did so with the hope of learning about the American education system so that I could ultimately return to Serbia and open my own English language school there. Making this move was an act of taking charge of my own happiness. My family and friends kept telling me not to move away or to at least stay within Europe. But I knew what was going to make me happy, fuel my soul, and help me achieve the dreams I had at the time.

I didn’t want to hurt anyone I loved by moving away, but I also knew that it wasn’t going to make me happy to do what other people wanted me to do. I knew that it would only make me resentful and depressed like it did when I turned down the job with the modeling agency because of pressure from my family. So I decided to show respect for myself and take charge of my happiness by moving across the ocean. (And I haven’t looked back since!)

You Deserve Self-Respect

It’s one thing to know that it’s important to respect yourself. But it’s another thing to actually live your life in a way that allows you to cultivate and benefit from self-respect.

A lot of us think that we’re good to ourselves just because we don’t do anything that’s obviously harmful to ourselves. But at the same time, we might continuously brush our feelings and needs aside, say “yes” when we really want to say “no,” and rely on other people or other things to light our life up with joy.

That’s why no matter what it is that you want out of life—whether it’s a loving relationship, a job you love, or a lifestyle that brings meaning and joy to your world—it’s critical to cultivate self-respect. Because it’s by having self-respect that you’re able to value and direct your energy toward what matters to you. And it’s by fulfilling the needs, desires, and goals that matter to you that you’re able to fill your life with happiness, love, and purpose.

Because self-respect is one of those things that’s easier to understand than to actually practice in your everyday life, I’ve developed a special resource for you called the Respect ME worksheet.

The Respect ME worksheet is designed to help you identify what matters to you, understand why your needs and desires are worthy of respect, and practice self-respect by ensuring that your needs and desires get met.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

SHARE THIS: