RELATIONSHIP GUIDE: The Tango of Love: Why Your Relationship Feels Like a Dance You Can’t Get Right + FREE TaNGO Guide

People often come to me with questions like: 

• “I’m killing it at work and crushing my goals, but why can’t I figure out relationships?” 
• “Is something wrong with me? Why can’t I get it right?” 
• “Why are my partner and I always clashing?” 
• “What’s wrong with my partner? Why won’t they even try?” 

Sound familiar? If you’ve ever asked yourself these questions, you’re not alone. I get it. I’ve been there, and I’ll let you in on a little secret: I struggled too.

The Confession: I’ve Been Where You Are

Let me tell you something—I’ve been there. I know exactly what it feels like to be stuck in that frustrating, painful space where nothing seems to work. People assume that because I’m a therapist, I must have it all figured out when it comes to relationships. But let me make a confession: that wasn’t always the case.

You see, I’ve waded through my share of pain-filled relationships too. Not too long ago, I was married—and let me tell you, it was no fairy tale. At first, things were great (isn’t that always the story?). My ex and I felt close, connected, like we were building something solid together. But as time passed, things started to unravel in ways I never saw coming.

My ex, who had been in the military, started slipping back into old habits, abusing drugs again, and it was like living with a completely different person. He’d lie, drain our bank accounts, and take out loans in my name without me even knowing. It wasn’t just the betrayal of trust—it was the sheer chaos. I was left feeling heartbroken, scared, and utterly helpless.

I tried everything to "fix" him and save our marriage. I set up rehab appointments, talked to his military superiors, and even tried counseling. I kept thinking, “I’m studying counseling psychology—shouldn’t I know how to fix this?” But no amount of knowledge could prepare me for the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I was supposed to be the one who had it all together, right?

But instead, I felt like I was drowning. No matter what I did, nothing changed. The more I tried to control and manage the situation, the worse it seemed to get. I was exhausted—mentally, emotionally, physically. And despite everything, I kept blaming myself, wondering why I couldn’t fix it, why I wasn’t enough. 

The Turning Point: Taking Back Control

 I eventually reached a breaking point, where I was left staring at two choices:

1. Stay on this never-ending cycle of pain, hoping that maybe things would somehow get better, even though deep down I knew they wouldn’t.
2. Or, take the scary, unknown path of looking inward, facing my own fears and unmet needs, and truly start healing myself.

✨ Guess which path I chose?

Yep—the second one. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. But it was the most important decision I ever made because that’s when everything started to shift for me. I had to stop focusing on trying to 'fix' someone else and instead look at what I needed to heal in myself so I could create a relationship that is in alignment with my true self, my values, and my standards.

Through that experience (and countless others), combined with years of training and working with clients, I discovered some life-altering truths:

• The patterns that keep us stuck in painful, unhealthy relationship dynamics can be broken.
• Real, deep love and connection can only be built on a foundation of self-awareness and authenticity.
• We often settle for less than we deserve because we’re stuck in old cycles of hurt and fear.
• And most importantly, you don’t have to keep repeating the same mistakes. You can create the relationship you truly want—but it starts with YOU.

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Need a Guide to Help You Take Action?

If you’re ready to dive deeper and reflect on your relationship, download my free TaNGO Worksheet! It will guide you through identifying your triggers, unmet needs, and give you space to write down your answers as you move through these steps. Plus, you’ll receive a bonus Feelings and Needs Inventory to make this process easy breezy. 👉 Download the TaNGO Worksheet Here! 👈

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The Relationship Tango: It’s All About the Dance

Let’s talk about the Tango of Love for a second. You’ve probably heard the saying, “It takes two to tango,” whether referring to love or fighting, right? But what people don’t often realize is that relationships really are like a dance—sometimes you move together beautifully, and sometimes, you step on each other’s toes. And man, can those toes get sore.

Here are the dances I’ve seen over and over—both in my own life and in the lives of so many couples I work with:

1. The Pursuer/Withdrawer Dance: One person pursues while the other withdraws. This was me in my marriage. The more I pushed for connection, the more my ex pulled away.
2. The Withdraw/Withdraw Dance: Both people pull away emotionally. Distance takes over, and suddenly, you’re living like roommates, wondering how you even got here.
3. The Pursuer/Pursuer Dance: Both people pursue—often aggressively—leading to intense arguments, blame, and regret on both sides.

These dances can be incredibly toxic and hurtful, creating distance instead of closeness. It’s like dancing with two left feet—awkward, frustrating, and downright painful.

But here’s the thing: you don’t have to keep stumbling around. There’s a way to shift the steps, to move in sync, and to create a deeper connection even in the middle of conflict. And that’s where the TaNGO comes in.

The TaNGO Method: Four Keys to Unlocking Connection

The TaNGO Method is part of my Bridge to Connection Formula™ that helps couples navigate conflict, deepen their connection, and create lasting love. It’s not just about stopping conflict—it’s about creating the kind of connection that transforms your relationship. Think of it as learning the steps to a new kind of dance, one where both partners are moving in rhythm toward love and understanding.

Let’s break down the steps:

🗝 Key 1: Trigger Awareness (Ta)

The first step in any dance is knowing where you are—and in relationships, that means recognizing your triggers. You know, those moments when something your partner does (or doesn’t do) just makes you want to scream? Yeah, those are triggers. But here’s the thing—they usually have nothing to do with what’s happening in the moment. They’re tied to something deeper.

When you feel triggered, ask yourself:

• What’s going on inside me right now?
• What emotions are bubbling up?
• What’s the story I’m telling myself in this moment?

Once you’ve identified your trigger, it’s time to dig deeper. The question you really need to ask yourself is: What’s the unmet need behind this trigger?

How to Uncover Your Unmet Need

This is where the real magic happens. Your triggers aren’t just about the present moment—they’re about a deeper need that’s not being met. So, take a moment to reflect: What am I really needing right now?

Some examples of unmet needs might be:

• Support: Maybe you need help and feel like you’re carrying too much on your own.
• Validation: Perhaps you need to feel heard, seen, and acknowledged.
• Respect: You might need to feel like your opinions and feelings are valued.

Once you can identify the need behind the trigger, you’re ready to move on to Key 2—communicating that need calmly.

🗝 Key 2: Navigating Conflict Calmly (N)

Now that you’ve uncovered your unmet need, it’s time to communicate it to your partner in a way that fosters connection instead of conflict. I know this can feel daunting—especially if you’re used to either bottling up your emotions or letting them out in a flood of frustration. But here’s where everything can start to shift.

First, take a breath and approach the conversation with love and empathy. Start by acknowledging that your partner may not even be aware of the need that’s been triggered for you. Then, calmly express what you’re really feeling.

Here’s a simple three-step framework to navigate conflict with calm and care:

1. Listen with empathy: 
   Allow your partner to voice their thoughts and emotions. Listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s about creating space for your partner to feel seen and heard. Let them express themselves fully before jumping in with your response.
2. Validate their feelings: 
   Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s perspective, it’s essential to acknowledge their feelings. Validation doesn’t mean you agree; it means you understand that their emotions are real and important. A simple phrase like, “I can see why you’d feel that way” can go a long way toward diffusing tension.
3. Communicate your needs authentically: 
   Now that you’ve listened and validated your partner’s feelings, it’s your turn to express your unmet need. Be honest and direct, but with love and respect. For example, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I really need more support around the house.”

These steps allow for open dialogue rather than a defensive back-and-forth, leading to a healthier resolution. By communicating with calm, empathy, and understanding, you create an environment where both of you can feel supported and heard.

But if you find yourself struggling to calm your nervous system or communicate from a place of love, don’t worry. I have you covered. Check out my number one strategy for defusing conflict here, which will help you reset before things spiral into unproductive territory.

🗝 Key 3: Getting Over Grudges (G)

Grudges are tricky, aren’t they? They seem harmless at first, but they’re like invisible walls that slowly grow taller and thicker, making it harder to connect with your partner (and even yourself). And whether it’s a small annoyance that’s been snowballing or a deeper wound, holding onto a grudge will only sabotage the love and connection you desire.

So, how do you let go of these grudges and move toward connection? Here are a couple of tips to help you take those first steps:

1. Identify the Grudge That’s Holding You Back

The first step to releasing a grudge is to recognize it. Ask yourself: What am I holding onto that is keeping me from connecting with my partner? Is there something from the past—maybe something they said or did—that I just can’t seem to let go of? Or, is there a grudge I’m holding against myself? (Yes, we often hold grudges against ourselves for past mistakes or feelings of guilt.)

Take a moment to sit with this.

2. Acknowledge the Impact of the Grudge

Once you’ve identified the grudge, it’s essential to acknowledge how it’s affecting you and your relationship.

Recognizing the emotional toll that holding onto a grudge takes can be incredibly eye-opening. This acknowledgment can help motivate you to let it go if this is something that you choose to do.

3. Make a Conscious Choice to Forgive

Forgiveness is not about condoning what happened; it’s about releasing yourself from the emotional weight. Decide whether you’re ready to forgive your partner—or yourself—and take action to let go of the past. This could mean having a heartfelt conversation, writing down your feelings, or simply making the decision internally. The key is to consciously choose to free yourself from the resentment.

Once you’ve released that emotional burden, you’ll be more open to a deeper connection with yourself and your partner, which leads us into Key 4—Opening Your Heart.

🗝 Key 4: Opening Your Heart (O)

This last key is the real game-changer. Opening your heart is the secret to transforming your relationship, even when nothing else seems to work.

Opening your heart isn’t just about saying “thank you” or expressing gratitude in a surface-level way—it’s about truly seeing and appreciating your partner and the good in your relationship. Gratitude, when felt deeply, creates room for healing and connection.

Here’s how you can start to open your heart:

1. Focus on the positives

Instead of dwelling on what your partner isn’t doing or what’s going wrong, shift your focus to what is going right. What do you genuinely appreciate about your partner? What do they do that makes you feel loved or supported?

If you find yourself caught in conflict or frustration, pause and remember a moment that brought you joy or peace. The simple act of focusing on gratitude can change your energy and the dynamic between you and your loved ones.

2. Appreciate yourself

Just as important as appreciating your partner is appreciating yourself. Give yourself grace for the progress you’ve made, for showing up in the relationship, and for trying even when things are hard. This self-compassion opens your heart even wider.

When you focus on the blessings your relationship (or partner) brings you, it becomes easier to keep your heart open—allowing you to cultivate more love, trust, and connection in your relationship.

Love the Steps in the TaNGO Method?

Don’t just think about it—write it down! My free TaNGO Worksheet guides you every step of the way so you can start unlocking deeper connection today. Plus, you’ll receive bonus Feelings & Needs Handout to make this process easy breezy! Download the TaNGO Guide Here 👇

Why Conflict Isn’t the Enemy

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but conflict isn’t bad. In fact, it’s essential. Conflict is what helps us grow, individually and as a couple. It’s how we handle conflict that determines whether we’re building connection or creating distance.

Think of conflict as the tension in the tango—sometimes you pull away, sometimes you move closer, but the dance itself is what brings you to a deeper understanding of each other.

Your Next Step: Dance Toward Love

Now, it’s time to decide which dance you want to do.

You can keep stepping on each other’s toes, repeating the same old patterns, or you can learn how to move in sync and create the connection you’ve been craving.

If you’re ready to:

• Speak up and feel truly heard
• Understand your partner better and feel understood
• Create harmony instead of distance in your relationship
• Break through, once and for all, those old patterns that are no longer serving your relationship goals

I invite you to join me in my online course, From Conflict to Ultimate Love™

This course will walk you through the entire Bridge to Connection Formula, showing you how to level up and transform your relationship from the inside out.

👉 Discover how to start your relationship success journey HERE 👈

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Wrapping It Up:

Relationships are a dance. And like any dance, it takes practice. But once you learn the steps, everything changes. You’ll stop stepping on toes and start moving in rhythm together. And that, my friend, is the key to creating the fulfilling, loving relationship you deserve.

Download your guide NOW!

What do you think about the idea of relationships being like a dance? Do you relate to the Tango of Love? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

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