Intimacy in Relationships: My Favorite Exercise for Boosting Relationship Intimacy + FREE Love Coupons

Jan 21, 2022

If you’re looking to reconnect with your partner or deepen the emotional intimacy, this blog post is for you.

My clients are usually surprised to learn that the secret to boosting intimacy in their relationship isn’t just going on a romantic vacation or spicing things up in the bedroom. It’s spending time with their partner and truly getting to know them.

But if you’ve read my posts before, you probably aren’t as surprised. Because as I’ve shared time and time again on my blog, the very definition of emotional intimacy in a relationship is to truly be seen by your partner and to truly see them in return. So you might already know that if you want to deepen your connection and enjoy more intimacy in your relationship, it’s important for you and your partner to share who you truly are.

But you might not know how to actually do this. After all, getting to know your partner on a deep level isn’t as simple as asking them what their favorite color is, where they went to school, and what they did on the weekend.

That’s why in this blog post, I’m going to describe my favorite exercise for helping couples get to know each other on a more intimate level: sharing your goals and dreams.

When you and your partner first started dating, you might have naturally spent lots of time talking about your hopes and dreams for the future. You might have shared the career you had hoped to have, the lifestyle you had wanted to enjoy, and maybe even talked about the people you had hoped would be part of your future.

But as the honeymoon stage of your relationship came to an end and you and your partner focused more and more of your attention toward day-to-day responsibilities, you might have stopped sharing your dreams and goals with one another (among other key aspects of who you are).

So if you’re looking to reconnect with your partner or deepen the emotional intimacy you experience with them, sharing your dreams and goals with them is a great place to start.

Sharing dreams and goals is one of my favorite exercises for couples because it has some important and unique benefits for your relationship. Specifically, when you and your partner share your dreams and goals with each other, you’re able to:

connect based on something positive and uplifting instead of just on daily to-do lists or issues inside or outside your relationship
understand how you can support and motivate each other
clarify whether your futures are (still) compatible

And as I mentioned earlier, these are in addition to boosting intimacy in your relationship!

Are you ready to learn HOW to share your dreams and goals with your partner in a way that’ll bring you closer to your partner instead of pushing them away?

Let’s get to it!

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How to Share Your Dreams and Goals with Your Partner

Set The Scene

Your dreams and goals are important. And so are your partner’s. So instead of trying to talk about them as you’re rushing to get ready for work in the morning or trying to convince your kids to go to bed, set aside dedicated time to chat just as a couple. Add it to your calendar and treat it like an important appointment or meeting—something you would reschedule only if an emergency came up.

To make your time together extra special, turn it into a date. Go on a hike, have dinner together at a restaurant, or even just relax on the couch together during a quiet evening in. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. All that matters is that you’re able to talk to one another without anything or anyone else interrupting you.

Make sure that both you and your partner know what the purpose of the date is. This way, you can each ensure that you’re in the right mindset to talk about your dreams and goals with each other. And you’ll know that although the conversation might naturally end on other topics or with other activities, the primary goal is to share your hopes for the future with one another.

Kick Off the Conversation

It might feel awkward to jump straight into asking your partner what their 5-year plan is or reveal what you’re hoping to achieve by the end of the year. So feel free to ease into the conversation by asking your partner some more general open-ended questions—questions that don’t let you or your partner take the easy way out by answering with a “yes” or “no.”

Here are some open-ended questions that can help you and your partner get the ball rolling:

How are you doing these days?
How are things going in your life these days?
What’s been on your mind the most in recent weeks?
Tell me about how life’s been treating you. I love when you share part of your life with me.

Take turns asking each other these types of questions, providing detailed answers, and really listening to what each other says.

Dig Deeper

As you and your partner ask each other more general open-ended questions about your lives, you might find that the conversation naturally drifts towards talking about your dreams and goals. If this is what happens, great! Just go with the natural flow of the conversation. There’s no need to try to steer the conversation in any particular direction unless you start going off topic.

What if the conversation doesn’t naturally veer towards your dreams and goals? You and your partner can guide it toward these topics by asking each other questions like these:

Do you have a list of goals that you’d like to accomplish over the next year or so? Which of these goals is most important to you? Why?
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years or 10 years? Be specific when answering this question. Describe where you’d like to be living, what you’d like to be doing for a living, the kind of lifestyle you’d like to have, and the people you’d want in your life.
What is your life’s purpose or mission? What is the main thing you want to accomplish during your life?
What would your perfect day look like to you? Imagine it in your mind right now and tell me about it. Try to include as many details as possible, such as what you do when you wake up in the morning, where you are, who you’re with, where you go, and how you spend the day. Why do these details make this your perfect day?
What does your ideal workday look like? Imagine it in your mind right now and tell me all about it. Tell me how it starts, what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re working with, and even what you do after work. As you visualize your perfect day, pay attention to how you feel when thinking about it and sharing it with your partner.
Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t been able to because of logistical barriers or because you didn’t think it was possible? Describe this goal or dream that keeps popping into your mind and why it means so much to you.
Tell me about your favorite holiday or festive occasion. How do you like to celebrate it? Why do you enjoy it so much?
What family events, days of the year, or special occasions matter most to you? Why are they so meaningful to you?

Of course, you don’t need to use these particular questions when talking to your partner about your dreams and goals. You can ask each other any questions that allow you to truly open up about your hopes and desires for the future. Just be sure that the questions are open-ended and encourage the two of you to provide detailed responses.

When you get specific with your partner about what your dreams are and why they matter to you, they allow your partner to develop a deeper understanding of what’s important to you, what your heart is yearning for, and how they can support you on your journey.

Make It a Habit

Sharing your goals and dreams with your partner is a powerful strategy for deepening your connection and boosting your intimacy when you do it regularly. That’s why the best way to get the most out of this practice is to make it something that you do on a consistent basis.

Keep in mind that you don’t need to share your goals and dreams with each other every week or even every month. Instead, aim to do it at least a few times a year. This way, you and your partner will have protected, dedicated quality time to spend together. And you’ll be able to check in with each other about changes in each other’s goals and dreams since the last time you chatted.

DOs and DON’Ts When Sharing Dreams

Here are some quick tips to make this practice of sharing your dreams and goals as meaningful, enjoyable, effective, and successful as possible.

DOs

Be Open and Vulnerable: When sharing your dreams and goals with your partner, be as open and descriptive as possible about what your hopes are for the future and why they matter to you. I know that it can feel awkward or even silly to talk about your dreams. But by really opening up about them, you’ll give your partner a chance to truly get to know you and support you in achieving them. You’ll also allow your partner to truly see you in a way that will allow you to deepen your intimacy and connection with them.

Truly Listen: When your partner is sharing their dreams and goals with you, actively listen to them. This means giving them your undivided attention so that you truly hear what they are saying and can respond with understanding, respect, and compassion. Avoid reflecting on your own dreams, thinking about other things that are on your mind, or planning what you’re going to say next. Give your partner space to communicate what they’re trying to tell you and listen with an open mind and heart.

Validate Your Partner’s Dreams: You don’t have to agree with your partner’s dreams, understand them, or enthusiastically support them. But you can still validate them by saying something like, “I understand why this is so important to you” or “I can see that this is something you really want to achieve.” When you validate, it tells your partner that you care about them, respect what’s important to them, and are listening to them.

Ask Follow-Up Questions: Just as you might feel silly sharing some of your dreams or goals, your partner might feel the same way. To encourage them to share their dreams openly with you, ask them follow-up questions. For example, you can say, “Tell me more about that,” “I’d like to hear more about that,” “What’s stopping you from achieving this dream now?”, or “How would you feel if this dream came true?”

When you ask follow-up questions, it communicates to your partner that you actually want to know about their dreams and goals. And it encourages them to share more details about their dreams and why they’re important, which paves the way for deeper understanding and intimacy.

Have Fun: When sharing your hopes for the future with each other, don’t forget to have fun! Depending on the direction your conversation takes, it may get heavy at times. But this doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the process by doing a fun activity while you talk (e.g., going for a hike or eating dinner together), using humor (appropriately, of course), and soaking up the opportunity to spend time with the person you love.

DON’Ts

Judge Your Partner: Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s dreams or think they’re unrealistic, avoid judging them. If you express judgment when your partner opens up to you about their dreams and goals, they’ll be less likely to open up to you again in the future. And if your partner doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to you, it will be very difficult to establish trust and intimacy with them.

React If Triggered: When your partner shares their dreams, they might say something that triggers you. For example, they might express that they want to live in a particular place, and that place might be somewhere that would make it very difficult or even impossible to continue pursuing your career. Instead of reacting with anger or lashing out, notice that you’ve been triggered, breathe, and respond by asking more about your partner’s answer. For example, you can say something like, “Tell me more about that” or “I’d love to learn more about why this means so much to you.”

If you’re concerned that your dreams and your partner’s dreams might be incompatible in a way that puts the future of your relationship into question, initiate a conversation with your partner about it once you’ve had a chance to calm down. You might find that there’s a way to resolve the incompatibility once you’re both aware of it. Or you might learn that you and your partner will be better off parting ways. Although it can be painful to discover that you and your partner have incompatible goals, it’s better to find out sooner so that you can pursue futures that will make each of you happier.

Try to Achieve the Dream for Your Partner: Especially if you’re someone who likes to “fix” things, you might be tempted to immediately come up with a plan to help your partner accomplish their dream. But remember that it isn’t your responsibility to achieve your partner’s dreams, and it may not even be what they want. For example, it might be really important to your partner to achieve the goal “on their own.” Or maybe they’re not ready to tackle and achieve the goal at this particular point in time.

You can, of course, ask your partner how you can support them in pursuing their goals, such as by watching the kids on weekday evenings or giving them time to work on the weekends. But be sure that your actions and responses are truly based on their answers (rather than on how YOU want to or think you could help).

Bond Over Your Dreams

You might think that your dreams and goals are primarily for YOU to work on and navigate individually (with the hope that they are, at least, compatible with your relationship).

But the reality is that you and your partner don’t need to chase your dreams in silos and talk about them only when it matters to your relationship. Instead, it’s actually nurturing for your relationship to regularly discuss them openly and honestly. As I’ve mentioned above, when you share your dreams with each other, it gives you a chance to get to know each other, build intimacy, and deepen your connection. In other words, it strengthens the bond in your relationship.

Making dates to share your dreams and goals with your partner is a great way to make time for your partner and your relationship in your life—and to show that you care about them. But it’s something you can do only so often.

So you might be wondering, “What can I do between these dates to nurture my relationship and build more intimacy with my partner?”

That question is EXACTLY why I created the Love Coupons.

My FREE Love Coupons let you and your partner create and exchange coupons for simple romantic activities that you’d like to do together. They’ll help you spend more quality time as a couple so that you can deepen your emotional connection.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!
Vera

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