CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS: 3 Overlooked Ways to Instantly Communicate Better in Your Relationship + FREE Relationship Conflict Decoder
Do you ever walk away from a conversation with your partner thinkingâŚ
- âI never end up saying what I want to sayâ?
- âThey just donât get why this matters to meâ?
- âSmall things turn into a bigger deal than they need to beâ?
- âWe always have the same argument over and over againâ?
If you do and it happens more than once in a blue moon, you might recognize that you could benefit from improving how you communicate with your partner.
It makes sense, right? If the way that youâve been trying to communicate with your partner or loved one hasnât been working, itâs only reasonable to try to switch things up.
But hereâs what you might be thinking: âYup. I know that I need to change the way that I communicate with my partner. But WHAT do I need to change? And WHAT should I do instead?â
Thatâs how I felt after every disagreement that my ex-husband and I had.
I knew that the way that we were communicating wasnât working because many of our disagreements would end with him walking away and me feeling lonely, lost, and unloved.
But I had no idea of what to do differently and how to do it.
If youâve ever tried to look up ways to communicate better with your partner, you might have found really obvious tips like âbe honestâ. (Okay, thatâs great. But how many people actually enter a relationship with the intention of lying to their partner, right?)
Or you might have come across really vague ones (âbe openâ) that donât contain enough detail to be helpful.
Thatâs why in this blog post, Iâm going to share 3 ways to instantly improve communication in your relationship that most people NEVER think about. And Iâm going to tell you exactly HOW to use them so that you can put them into play in your relationship right away.
Letâs get to it!
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1. Pay Attention to How You Currently Communicate
Many of my clients and students think that to communicate better in their relationship, they need to change what they say or figure out how to say the ârightâ thing.
But do you want to know the truth?
Effective communication isnât just about what you say. In fact, itâs much more about understanding whatâs really going on in a situation so that you can RESPOND to it effectively.
One way to get a better understanding of whatâs going on when you and your partner disagree or experience conflict is to take a look at HOW you communicate in these situations. Specifically, what kinds of toxic communication patterns or habits do you use that make it difficult to remain in a place of love and empathy so that you can respond with compassion and resolve disagreements easily?
There are lots of toxic communication patterns that show up in relationships. But one pattern thatâs especially common among couples is the pursue-withdraw pattern.
I didnât know it at the time, but my ex-husband and I were stuck in this pursue-withdraw pattern during our marriage.
Hereâs what would happen:
Whenever my ex and I were on different pages about something, I would immediately go into âalarmâ mode. I would worry that even a small disagreement meant that a giant rift was growing between us, and I would be desperate to repair this disconnection. So I would push and push my ex to keep talking about the issue and responding to me. I thought that if we just kept talking, we could solve the issue and it would prove that our relationship was okay.
In reality, though, my pushing would just send my ex into his own âalarmâ mode. It made him so overwhelmed that he thought that the best way to handle the situation was to stop talking and walk away. That way, he figured, the conversation wouldnât escalate.
Of course, when my ex would stop talking to me and walk away, it would only make me even MORE worried about the health of our relationship. And I would become even more desperate to repair our connection. So I would keep pushing him to talk to me, even to the point of following him from room to room so that he couldnât âescapeâ the conversation.
But as I pushed harder and harder, he would just shut down more and more. And we would both ultimately walk away from the conversation feeling unheard and hurt.
As you can see, the pursue-withdraw pattern makes it hard to resolve disagreements or conflict effectively because the people in the relationship have incompatible beliefs about the best way to handle the disagreement and repair the connection. One person, the pursuer, thinks that continuing the conversation at all costs is the key to resolving the issue and repairing the relationship. In comparison, the other person, the withdrawer, believes that limiting and even ending the conversation is the best way to handle the situation and protect the relationship. The result is a vicious cycle that makes it next to impossible to manage the disagreement effectively while staying in a place of love and empathy.
It wasnât until after my relationship ended that I discovered that my ex and I had been stuck in this toxic pursue-withdraw pattern. But when I did, it was incredibly empowering. And thatâs the kind of experience that many of my clients and students have when they identify the toxic communication patterns that are at play in their relationship.
Why is it so empowering to identify the toxic communication habits that you and your partner or loved one typically use? Because when you know what about your communication isnât working well, you know what to change. And specifically, when you understand what your toxic habits are, you can take steps toward breaking free from them so that you can move toward healthier communication.
During my marriage, I TRULY believed that âpushingâ my ex to keep talking was the right thing to do. But I later learned that my pushing only overwhelmed my ex and made him more likely to pull away. I also realized that my ex wasnât pulling away because he didnât care about me and the relationship. Instead, he was pulling away because he was overwhelmed and thought that stopping the conversation was the best way to protect himself and the relationship.
When I understood that my habit of being a âpursuerâ during disagreements was more harmful than helpful, I was able to take steps toward changing the way I communicated during these types of conversations. I was able to stop myself from pushing the other person to keep talking and give them space to take a break from the conversation if they needed it (even though it was VERY difficult and unnatural for me to do this at first).
Although my marriage had ended by the time I gained insight into this toxic communication habit, Iâve been able to use this knowledge and understanding to improve how I communicate in many other relationships in my life. And as a result, Iâm now able to work through disagreements with other people I love with a lot LESS stress and much MORE success. This hasnât made every disagreement a walk in the park to tackle. But it has allowed me to move conversations toward some sort of resolution much faster and with a whole lot more love.
If youâre not sure where to start with identifying how YOU communicate in your relationship, my Relationship Conflict Decoder can help. Itâll help you understand HOW you and your partner communicate and identify toxic communication habits that perpetuate conflict in your relationship. Download the Relationship Conflict Decoder for FREE here.
2. Tune into Your Thoughts and Emotions
Another overlooked tip for communicating better in your relationship is to tune into your thoughts and feelings.
Tuning into your thoughts and feelings might feel difficult or uncomfortable because we often have a hard time looking inward and identifying and embracing how we think and feel. This happens for many different reasons. We might feel scared of our thoughts and feelings and want to avoid thinking about them. We might not want to accept how we think or feel about something. We might think that our thoughts and feelings arenât important or valid. Or we might have so little practice with tuning in to our thoughts and feelings that itâs very difficult to identify them in the first place.
However, when you give yourself the space to identify and embrace your thoughts and feelings, it helps you communicate more effectively in your relationship. How? Because when you take the time to really understand what youâre thinking and feeling, youâll be able to identify whatâs really bothering you in a situation. And when you know whatâs actually bothering you when you and your partner or loved one disagree or experience conflict, you can express this to them and actually address the real underlying issue.
If I had tuned in to my thoughts and feelings when my ex-husband and I disagreed, I would have discovered that even though we were arguing about the dishwasher or how to spend the weekend, what I was really thinking was âHe doesnât care about me or our relationshipâ or âHe doesnât understand me and what I need.â And I would have realized that instead of just being angry about the dishwasher or our weekend plans, I was actually feeling unloved, lonely, and disconnected from him.
Itâs hard to know for sure what might have been if I had been able to tune in to my thoughts and feelings like this during my marriage. But at the very least, I would have been able to communicate what I was truly thinking and feeling to my ex. And it would have given him the chance to understand why I felt so upset in certain situations, gain insight into what I needed from him, and respond with empathy and love.
Now, I know that when youâre right in the middle of an important or challenging conversation with your partner or loved one, it can be difficult to figure out what youâre thinking or feeling. Thatâs why it can be helpful to take a time-out so that you have a chance to dial down the stress, reflect on your thoughts and feelings, and plan what you want to communicate to your loved one.
Not sure how to take an effective time-out during a disagreement with your partner or loved one? You can access my FREE step-by-step video on how to use time-outs effectively in your relationship RIGHT HERE.
3. Tune into Your Partner or Loved One
The third and final tip that I want to share with you today is to tune into your partner or loved one.
A lot of people think that learning how to communicate better in their relationship is all about working on what THEY say during a conversation. But the truth is that hearing what the other person is sayingâboth verbally and nonverballyâis just as important. And thatâs where tuning into your partner or loved one comes in.
When I talk about tuning in, Iâm talking about paying attention to what your partner is trying to tell you through their words, facial expression, tone, body language, or other nonverbal cues. When you do this, you might be able to identify how your partner is feeling. And even if you canât, tuning in will allow you to recognize when your partner seems upset or otherwise âoffâ so that you can say something like, âYouâre quieter than usual and seem upset. Do you want to talk about whatâs on your mind?â
If I had known to tune in to my ex when we disagreed during our marriage, I would have been able to notice that he behaved in a distinct way during these situations. I might have been able to pick up on the fact that he felt overwhelmed. But even if I hadnât, I would have at least realized that something was off, and I would have been able to say, âYou seem to get really quiet whenever we have these types of conversations. Whatâs going through your mind right now?â
Initiating a conversation with my ex like this would have given him an opportunity to tell me that he felt overwhelmed and backed into a corner during our conversations. This would have helped me realize how my constant pushing was making me feel and given me the chance to validate his feelings. And it would have allowed me to understand that he would shut down during these conversations because he felt so overwhelmed, not because he didnât care about me and the relationship.
Just as itâs important to tell your partner or loved one how you really feel about something, itâs also important to know how THEY feel. Because when you know how they feel, you can respond with compassion and do what you can to meet their needs. This does wonders for keeping a conversation in a place of love because when your partner or loved one feels cared for and heard, itâs MUCH harder for them to get angry, say something hurtful to you, or dig their heels in and refuse to consider where youâre coming from.
Keep in mind that tuning in isnât about âfixingâ how your partner feels or âsolvingâ the problem for them. Itâs about validating their feelings in the situation and responding with empathy. This is something you can do even without agreeing with your partner or implying that something they did was okay.
You CAN Communicate Better in Your Relationship
Anyone can learn how to communicate better in their relationship. (And that includes you!)
But itâs important to know WHAT to change about how you communicate and HOW exactly to change it.
Understanding how you currently communicate and tuning into both yourself and your partner arenât the only ways to improve your communication. But they can help you figure out where youâre getting tripped up and uncover the true thoughts, feelings, and needs that underlie your disagreement or conflict.
When you understand an interaction and whatâs going on beneath the surface, youâre in a much better position to shape it and keep it on healthy, loving ground. Thatâs why I highly encourage you to reflect on how you typically communicate and the habits or patterns that might be holding you back from communicating as effectively and compassionately as you could be. You can do this using my FREE Relationship Conflict Decoder or any other method or tool youâre familiar with.
If you choose to use my Relationship Conflict Decoder, youâll get descriptions of 7 of the most common toxic communication patterns and be guided through the process of decoding your communication in five typical conflict scenarios in your relationship.
What if you have trouble decoding your communication habits or arenât sure what to do once you uncover them to improve communication in your relationship? My 6-week online course From Conflict to Ultimate Love⢠has you covered.
During the course, youâll learn about all the toxic communication habits that can rear their ugly head in relationships. And youâll get a complete toolkit for breaking free from them so that you can approach conflict in your relationship with more love and understanding.
Learn more about From Conflict to Ultimate Love⢠here.
And finally, if you havenât done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini â The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, youâll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.
Until next time!
Vera
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