SELF-CARE: Are You a Generous Person or an Overgiver? + FREE Self-Care Time Hacker

If you’re part of my community, you’ve probably figured out by now that I love talking about self-love and why it’s SO important for enjoying happy and healthy relationships and lives.

That’s why recently, I shared 6 key signs of burnout and how to recover from it. (Hint: self-love is KEY to burnout recovery.)

We often think of burnout as exhaustion that’s triggered by one big stressor or responsibility that eats up a lot of our time and energy.

But burnout can also develop when you direct your time and energy toward too many people or relationships all at once while leaving little time for yourself.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Vera, isn’t it good to do things for other people? Doesn’t it make you a generous person?”

Being generous is a beautiful thing. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

But there’s also a fine line between being a generous person and being an overgiver—someone who gives too much and in ways that aren’t healthy. I know this all too well because I used to be an overgiver myself.

You see, growing up, I was taught to believe that I should always put the needs of my family and my community ahead of my own needs. So for many, many years, I made decisions, including decisions about my future and my career, based on the needs and happiness of other people instead of on my own.

And do you know what? I paid a heavy price for it. I felt exhausted, unfulfilled, and resentful of the many people who, in my mind, were eating up all of my energy and leaving none of it for me.

I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong because I thought I was just being a generous person. But the reality was that I wasn’t being generous. I was overgiving, and I was losing everything that mattered to me—my happiness, my relationships, and the life I wanted—as a result.

If you’re also the type of person who’s always doing things for other people or is the first person everyone calls when they need something, this post is for YOU!

Because in it, I’m going to explain how to know whether you’re a generous person or an overgiver.

Let’s get started!

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Why Do You Give?

It might seem like all kinds of giving are the same. But the truth is that people give for different reasons when they’re being generous vs. overgiving.

Specifically, if you’re being generous, your giving comes from a place of love and abundance. You have the resources (whether it’s time, energy, money, or another resource) to give and you do so simply because you authentically want to give.

With generosity, giving is also other-oriented. You give something to someone else simply because you care about them, and you don’t expect anything in return, not even recognition or credit. Your giving might make you feel good as a byproduct. But when you’re being generous, this feeling isn’t the reason why you give.

In comparison, if you overgive, your giving stems from a desire to address a fear or need. In most cases, people overgive because they have a fear of rejection, conflict, or disappointing someone or a need for external validation, such as love or praise.

For example, you might visit your mom every weekend not because you truly want to but because you’re worried about the backlash you’ll face from her if you don’t. Similarly, you might jump at the chance to take on extra tasks at work or plan social events because you like the praise you get for it from your colleagues.

With overgiving, the giving is self-oriented because the ultimate purpose of it is to do something for yourself, not for the other person. That’s why even though you might not realize it, when you overgive, you expect to get something in return. For instance, you might expect something from the other person, such as praise or gratitude. Or you might simply want to feel good or ease your guilt about saying “no.”

The irony of overgiving is that the other person can be more thankful and appreciative of what you’ve done than any other person on the planet has ever been. And yet, it still won’t seem like enough. Because the only person who can give you what you need—whether it’s love, praise, or reassurance about your relationship—is you.

How Does Giving Make You Feel?

Generosity and overgiving also differ in the way they make you feel.

When you’re being generous, giving energizes you. Being compassionate and caring towards others tends to make us feel good and strengthens our relationships. So when you give from a place of authentic generosity, you tend to feel inspired, energetic, fulfilled, and other positive emotions.

With overgiving, you might initially feel good that your need has been met or your fear has been addressed. But eventually, you’ll feel negative emotions.

Because you have only so much time and energy, you’ll feel drained if you spend most of your time doing things for other people and don’t get the time you need to rest, recharge, and do the things that matter to you.

Of course, there might be a time in your life when you have to spend quite a bit of time taking care of someone or doing something for them. For example, if your partner ends up in the hospital, you might need to spend lots of time at the hospital taking care of them. Or if your sister has to go out of town suddenly to arrange and attend a funeral, you might need to spend a lot of time making meals for her kids and driving them to school and activities. But these are temporary, emergency situations that, hopefully, won’t last too long. (And even during these emergencies, it’s important to make sure that you’re getting at least some time to take care of your physical and mental health.)

But if you habitually overgive and sacrifice your needs and desires, you’ll feel drained on a regular basis. You might also begin to feel that you’ve lost yourself because you’ve lost touch with who YOU are, what YOUR needs are, and what YOU like to do for fun (because you never get the time to think about any of this). This only increases your risk of becoming depleted to the point where you develop burnout.

If you overgive, you might also begin to feel resentful and even angry toward the people you give to. This can happen if you believe that the people you give to take advantage of you or put you in a position where you have no choice but to give and sacrifice your time and energy. And as we’ll talk about below, these feelings and beliefs can harm your relationships.

How Does Giving Affect Your Relationships?

Lastly, generosity and overgiving affect your relationships in distinct ways.

Generosity tends to have a positive effect on your relationships. This is because when you give authentically and out of love, it shows people that you genuinely care about them. And as I mentioned earlier, giving produces positive emotions not just for the other person but also for you.

These positive emotions and the genuine care for others that healthy giving demonstrates can deepen love in relationships, increase trust and intimacy, and boost relationship satisfaction and fulfillment.

Initially, overgiving might seem like it has a positive impact on your relationships too. After all, if you are pleasing others, always saying “yes,” and going out of your way to avoid “rocking the boat,” it might seem like your relationships benefit from your overgiving.

But the reality is that in the long run, overgiving tends to make your relationships less fulfilling.

Why?

Because for relationships to be truly fulfilling, there needs to be some degree of reciprocity in them. Healthy relationships don’t necessarily have to have a 50:50 balance. And in some relationships, such as the relationship between a parent and a young child, most of the giving might be performed by one person.

But among adults, it’s important to have a balance between giving and receiving in relationships. If you’re doing all of the giving in a relationship and not getting much in return, you’re bound to feel undervalued, unloved, and unfulfilled sooner or later.

As I shared above, overgiving also sets you up to feel resentful toward the other person. And as you can imagine, feeling angry or resentful toward your partner, mom, or best friend isn’t exactly a recipe for maintaining a healthy relationship with them and feeling fulfilled by it.

One more thing that I want to mention is that overgiving doesn’t just negatively affect your relationships once you’re in them. It also influences the types of relationships and people that you attract in the first place.

Specifically, when you’re the type of person who tends to overgive, you’ll be more likely to attract people who will knowingly or unknowingly take advantage of you because they know they can count on you to overgive. For example, you’ll be more likely to attract friends who only ever want to talk about their own drama and almost never bother to ask about you and your life.

Overgiving Affects Your Life and Relationships Negatively

Many of us were raised to believe that giving is a good thing and can never be a bad thing.

But the reality is that just like there are healthy and unhealthy relationships, there are also healthy and unhealthy forms of giving.

True generosity comes from a place of love and doesn’t come with the expectation of receiving anything in return. It also tends to produce positive emotions and strengthen your relationships.

In comparison, overgiving usually stems from a desire to quell a fear or meet a need for external validation. That’s why overgiving tends to happen with an expectation to receive something in return. And it eventually has negative consequences for your well-being and your relationships.

If you’ve read this post and believe that your giving is actually overgiving, take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Because recognizing that your giving might not be healthy is the first step toward making the changes in your life that will improve your happiness and relationships.

What should you do next?

Keep an eye out for my next two blog posts. That’s where I’ll tell you HOW to stop being an overgiver so that you can start building and enjoying healthier relationships in your life—including the relationship you have with yourself.

For now, grab a copy of my FREE Self-Care Time Hacker. One of the reasons why overgiving is unhealthy is because it prevents you from having enough time and energy to take care of yourself.

The Self-Care Time Hacker helps you prioritize your relationship with yourself by making it easier to incorporate self-care time into your schedule on a regular basis.

And if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses. 

Until next time!

Vera

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