CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS: 5 Ways to Handle a Partner Who ALWAYS Needs to Be Right + FREE Relationship Conflict Decoder

In my last post, I shared some of my favorite tips for communicating better with your partner or loved one. (In case you haven’t read it yet, these are 3 tips that most people don’t think about, but they can quickly improve communication in your relationship. You can find out what they are right here.)

When I was first training to be a therapist years ago, I shared some of these tips with a friend named Maria. She had been with her husband, David, for over a decade. But around the time that I was in grad school, Maria had started to realize that she often felt unheard in their relationship.

David was generally very loving toward Maria. He would make coffee for her to take to work, plan date nights for the two of them, and even buy her flowers for no reason at all. And so in many ways, their relationship seemed great—even like something straight out of a rom com.

But recently, Maria had realized that she had been losing her voice in the relationship because David ALWAYS had to be right. It didn’t matter whether they were trying to choose a sport to sign their son up for, figure out how to save for their retirement, or decide what to order for dinner. David always believed that he was right.

Earlier in their relationship, Maria had told herself that David’s need to always be right wasn’t a big deal. Sure, it was a bit irritating sometimes. But no partner is perfect; everyone has flaws. Plus, David was kind and loving toward her in other ways. So putting up with David’s need to always be right was just the cost of doing business in this particular relationship, right?

But lately, it had been getting harder and harder for Maria to ignore how David’s behavior really made her feel. Whenever David always had to be the one to have the last word in a conversation or make a decision—whether it was big or small—Maria felt frustrated. She felt that David didn’t see her as an equal in the relationship and value her ideas, opinions, and preferences the same way that he valued his own.

Why am I sharing Maria’s story with you today?

Because as a therapist, I’ve seen how COMMON this dynamic is in relationships. And I’ve seen how hard it can be when your partner is the type of person who ALWAYS has to be right. (Of course, in reality, your partner might not be like this literally all the time. What I’m talking about here is the type of person who has to be right often enough that it feels like they “always do it.”)

You might not be constantly arguing with your partner or getting into big fights with them. But if you find that you can’t fully enjoy your relationship because your partner always has to have the last word or do things their way, you still have the right to feel frustrated, disappointed, or a bit disconnected from your partner.

You also have the right to figure out what you can DO to regain your voice in your relationship and feel heard by your partner without hurting their feelings.

That’s why in this blog post, I’m going to break down 5 key ways to handle a partner who ALWAYS needs to be right.

Let’s do this!

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1. Remember That YOU Matter

If you have a partner who always needs to be right, the first thing I want you to do is to remind yourself that YOU matter.

Why is this important?

Because when your partner always needs to make the decisions they think are right or do what they want to do, it can negatively affect you in one of two big ways.

First, when your partner always wants to be right and has a hard time considering your thoughts, opinions, and preferences when they don’t align with theirs, it can make you feel that it just isn’t worth it to challenge their opinions or express your own. Over time, you might fall into the habit of thinking, “Well, he’s just going to do it the way he wants to anyway. There’s no point in telling him what I think.” As a result, you might think that you’ll just be wasting your time, energy, and sanity by communicating what you think about a situation or how you feel. And so you might stop telling your partner when you have a different opinion or preference about something.

Second, when your partner constantly communicates that they are always right, it sends the message that YOUR thoughts, emotions, opinions, and preferences are wrong. If you hear this message over and over again, you might eventually internalize it and actually believe that your thoughts and opinions are wrong, invalid, or unimportant. This could, of course, make you less likely to communicate your thoughts and opinions in your relationship. But it could also reduce your confidence in your thoughts and opinions and make you lose yourself in the relationship.

In any case, it’s important to remember that no matter what your partner says or implies, you still MATTER in the relationship. And so do your thoughts, feelings, needs, preferences, opinions, and goals. They’re just as important as your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions. And they’re just as worthy of attention and discussion in the relationship.

2. Practice Understanding and Compassion

In many cases, we can reduce the grip that something negative has on us just by understanding and gaining insight into it. That’s why another key tip for handling a partner who always needs to be right is to practice understanding of and compassion toward this need to be right.

I know, I know. When I talk about practicing understanding toward your partner’s behavior, it can make it seem like I’m telling you to enable or condone the behavior. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

Instead, I’m talking about understanding why your partner is the way they are. Because I can promise you that if you understand the REAL reason why your partner is the way they are, their behavior will be much less frustrating for you. It’s not going to completely eliminate any negative feelings it triggers for you. But it will reduce the power that this behavior of theirs has over you.

Why?

Because it’ll help you understand that their need to be right isn’t personal. As long as you’re not in an abusive relationship, your partner isn’t doing what they do because they don’t care about you or want to hurt you. Instead, their need to be right is a toxic communication habit that likely stems from fears they developed as a kid or while they were growing up.

For example, your partner might have grown up with parents who expected perfection and withheld love from your partner if your partner didn’t do everything exactly the “right” way. This would have taught your partner that it was essential to be right and dangerous to be wrong. So as an adult, your partner might have a hard time considering thoughts, feelings, and opinions that are different from theirs. Because in their mind, if someone else’s opinion or thought is right, it makes their own thought or opinion wrong. And for them, being seen as wrong or flawed is dangerous and could cause the people they love (including you) to reject them.

So as you can see, when your partner is hellbent on being right, it probably isn’t because they want you to be wrong. Instead, it’s more likely to be the case that THEY are scared of being wrong.

Of course, the best way to understand why YOUR partner always needs to be right is to ask them (in a gentle, non-judgmental, and compassionate way, of course). See if they’re willing to open up about what goes on in their mind when they defend a thought or opinion no matter what.

3. Validate Then Communicate

When your partner expresses a thought or opinion that they’re determined to stick with, it can be tempting to either challenge them or give in right away. The problem is that if you immediately challenge them, they’ll probably just dig their heels in further. And if you give in, you’ll feel resentful that your voice and needs are being ignored in the relationship.

So what should you do instead?

Validate your partner’s viewpoint first. Then communicate your own.

Here’s what this could look like if we use Maria and David’s relationship as an example:

Let’s say that Maria and David were having a conversation about how to help their son improve his math skills.

David says, “Jake needs to have a private tutor. That’s the ONLY way that he’s going to improve his math skills and get better grades in math.”

Maria disagrees but doesn’t immediately jump in with her opinion. Instead, she says, “I can think of a lot of reasons why a private tutor would be a good idea. It would guarantee that Jake would get one-on-one attention, we would have someone come right to our home, and they could come at a time that works best for our schedules. Those are all huge benefits. I’ve been thinking, though, that Jake might do better at a math learning center because he tends to be more relaxed and willing to learn when he’s in a group setting with other kids. We would have to drive him there, and we’d have to work around the center’s schedule. But I think that he would really benefit from being in that kind of learning environment.”

In this conversation, Maria responded to David by first VALIDATING his viewpoint. In other words, she communicated that his viewpoint was valid by listing off the benefits of hiring a private tutor. She didn’t agree with his opinion about hiring a private tutor, but she conveyed that it was a valid opinion to have. Then, after validating David’s opinion, she communicated her own.

Why is validation so helpful when your partner is the type of person who always has to be right? I mentioned earlier that people like this often need to be right because they have a fear of being wrong. When someone validates their opinion, it conveys that their opinion isn’t wrong and makes them feel heard and understood. This can help to lower their defenses and make them more receptive to considering other thoughts and perspectives.

So when you validate, you help your partner feel heard while also making it easier to share your opinion and feel heard by them. In other words, instead of placing you on opposing sides of the playing field, it increases the chances that your conversation can be a win-win for the two of you.

4. Manage Your Emotions

When your partner always has to be right, it’s easy to feel frustrated, irritated, or angry. And you have every right to feel this way. But if you stay in these feelings for too long or allow them to affect how you respond to your partner during a conversation, they might not be serving you in the best way. That’s why a big part of handling a partner who always has to be right is learning how to manage YOUR emotions.

Before we go any further, I want to be clear that I’m NOT suggesting that your partner’s behavior only upsets you because you’re “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” Most people would find it frustrating to have a partner who always has to be right and have the last word. So your feelings are entirely normal and valid.

What I’m saying is that if you recognize that your emotions are within YOUR control and manage them, it’ll reduce the negative impact that your partner’s behavior has on you.

Specifically, when you’re able to manage your emotions, you’re less likely to become extremely upset or stressed during a conversation with your partner or to remain upset and stressed for a long time afterward. So for your sake, managing your emotions in response to your partner’s behavior can work wonders for protecting your mental health.

When you’re able to manage your emotions during a conversation with your partner, you’re also more likely to remain calm enough and think rationally enough to use the  “validate then communicate” strategy that I just talked about. This means that you’ll have a better shot at making your partner feel heard and being heard by them. And it’ll make it harder for your partner to use your emotions to discredit your opinions and label them as “clearly irrational.”

Learning how to manage your emotions is a big topic in itself that I could write an entire blog series about. So I won’t get into the details of it here. But you can find excellent tips in my post on 5 effective ways to manage negative emotions.

5. Don’t Ignore Abuse

In most cases, a partner who always has to be right can make you feel frustrated, diminish your voice, and make it more difficult for you to truly enjoy your relationship. However, if your partner’s need to always be right harms you physically or psychologically, it might be abusive. And it’s something you shouldn’t ignore.

If you think your relationship might be abusive, it’s important to get help from a therapist or another qualified professional. Remember that you deserve to live free from physical and psychological harm. It doesn’t matter what you’ve said or done in the past or what reasons your partner has for being the way that they are. Abuse is never okay in a relationship, and it’s important to get support if you think you’re facing abuse in yours.

You Can Have a Voice and a Partner Who ‘Always’ Has to Be Right

If your partner is the type of person who always has to be right, it’s easy to feel like you’re doomed to debate every issue with them forever or just accept that you’ll always have to do things their way.

But the truth is that you can feel heard and loved in your relationship, even if your partner has a hard time considering opinions and perspectives that differ from their own. As I’ve alluded to throughout this post, the key is to understand that your partner’s behavior is a toxic communication pattern: they’re likely hellbent on being right all the time because they’re scared of being wrong (and what this would say about them). Because once you know WHY your partner communicates the way they do, you can respond in ways that minimize its emotional impact on you and helps you and your partner break free of the pattern during your conversations.

Understanding how you and your partner communicate together and the toxic patterns you fall into is so important for learning how to lovingly navigate differences in opinions, thoughts, and needs throughout your relationship. That’s why I created the Relationship Conflict Decoder.

The Relationship Conflict Decoder walks you through common toxic communication patterns and helps you decode actual disagreements or conflicts in YOUR relationship so that you can identify where you and your partner keep getting tripped up.

Looking for more help with figuring out how to handle disagreements or differences in your relationship without feeling frustrated, stressed, or unheard?
Check out my 6-week online course From Conflict to Ultimate Love™.

During the course, you’ll learn about the toxic communication patterns that keep you and your partner stuck in that “same fight, different day” pattern. And you’ll learn exactly HOW to break free from them so that you can approach disagreements in your relationship with more love and understanding.

Learn more about From Conflict to Ultimate Love™ here.

And finally, if you haven’t done so already, follow me on my Facebook page Vera Velini – The Assertive Happiness Coach. That way, you’ll be among the first to hear about new blog posts, resources, and courses.

Until next time!

Vera

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