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You might know from your own personal experience that the wound created by a traumatic event isn’t something that exists solely in the mind. It can also be present in the body.

That’s why when you’re consciously or unconsciously reminded of a traumatic event from your past, you might not just feel panicked or become hyperaware of your surroundings. Instead, you might also notice that your muscles have tensed up, your breathing has become rapid, your palms feel sweaty, and your stomach feels like it’s in knots.

So if trauma can reside in both the mind and body, what does this mean for treating it and healing from it?

Many therapies that are used to help people heal from trauma acknowledge the mind-body connection in trauma. But they’re what we call “top-down approaches.” This simply means that the therapy uses a client’s cognitive skills to access and process traumatic memories and the feelings associated with them. The idea is that...

When you think about setting a boundary with your partner, sister, parent, or colleague, how do you feel?

Do you feel calm and confident?

Or do you feel like a complete basket case—one that’s full of anxiety and guilt?

If you sheepishly thought, “I’m definitely a basket case!”, I can reassure you that you’re in good company! Because as I’ve seen in my clients and students over the years, anxiety and guilt are common emotions that pop up when people think about setting boundaries.

In fact, they’re so common that I wrote all about why it’s so scary to set boundaries in my last blog post.

As I mentioned in that post, the anxiety and guilt that people experience when setting boundaries can be so powerful that they can stop people from actually setting the boundaries they want to.

The problem, as you might know by now, is that having healthy boundaries is essential for enjoying healthy relationships and maintaining your happiness and...

In my most recent posts, I shared why giving isn’t always healthy. And I explained why understanding your role in overgiving is so vital for finally breaking free of it and enjoying more balance in your life.

But there’s something else that’s important for stopping overgiving and getting your time and energy back: setting healthy boundaries.

And just like with understanding my power and role in overgiving, setting boundaries was something that I REALLY struggled with before I became a therapist.

You see, I used to believe that it was my duty to meet the needs of the people around me and make them happy and I didn’t even realize that I was actually losing myself. So I genuinely thought that if I said “no” to someone—even if I did it in the most loving way—that I was shirking my responsibilities and selfishly denying the person what they needed to be happy.

That’s why whenever anyone asked or expected me to do something, I would...

Last week, I laid out a blueprint for how to finally stop people pleasing so you can put yourself first.

These tips are great for helping you make day-to-day decisions based on what YOU want (not what your partner, neighbor, or boss wants). In other words, they empower you to have an equal voice in your relationship, confidently decline a request to dog sit, and stand your ground so you can protect your personal time from work.

But you know what? The day-to-day decisions you make aren’t the only time when other people’s needs, desires, and expectations can drown out your own.

You see, if you’re like a lot of the clients I’ve worked with over the years, you might find that even the bigger life decisions that you make are influenced by the opinions and expectations of the people around you.

For example, maybe you went to med school or pursued a career as an accountant because your parents wanted you to.

Maybe you married the type of person your family wanted...

In my last few posts, I’ve told you all about why people pleasing holds you back from being happy, living a meaningful life, and building healthy relationships.

So here’s what you might be thinking, “Okay, Vera, I know that people pleasing is hurting me more than it’s helping me. But it’s not like I can just wake up one morning and decide that I’m going to stop being a people pleaser. It’s just not that easy!”

You know what? I get it. Really, I do.

When you’ve spent years or even decades being a people pleaser, the idea of saying “no” to your neighbor or telling your partner what you want to eat for dinner can feel terrifying. 

At the same time, though, putting an end to your people pleasing ways is essential if you want to start prioritizing the most important person in your life—YOU!

How on Earth do you do this?

Keep reading below to learn my 9 steps to finally stop people pleasing.

. . . . . . . ....

When you’re a people pleaser, you pour a lot of your time and energy into doing things for other people, saying “yes” to their requests, and going along with what they want and say.

That’s why you might think that even though people pleasing can make you feel unhappy or burned out, it must be good for your relationships. After all, who wouldn’t want a partner who always agrees with them, a friend who never says “no,” or an employee who’s always baking them treats?

It’s true that people pleasing might reduce conflict in the relationship on the surface. And it might seem to make the other person really happy and satisfied with the relationship.

But the reality is that people pleasing doesn’t help relationships or set them up for success. Instead, it hurts them.

Why?

That’s exactly what I’m going to break down in this post.

Keep reading below to discover why your people pleasing is damaging your relationships.

...

In my previous post, I told you why people pleasing eventually makes you feel unhappy, exhausted, resentful, empty, or dissatisfied with your life. (I also shared 7 ways to tell whether you’re a chronic people pleaser.)

But here’s the thing: It’s important to know that people pleasing hurts you in the long run. But just knowing this usually isn’t enough to make you stop doing it and start valuing yourself the way that you value the people around you.

That’s because the foundation of people pleasing—the reason WHY you invest so much time and energy into doing it—runs pretty deep. So to change how you prioritize and value yourself relative to others, you need to first get to the root cause of your people pleasing behavior. You need to first understand WHERE your people pleasing came from and HOW it affects your relationships today.

By gaining clarity on why you put so much effort into pleasing others, you’ll be able to heal yourself and...

When many of my clients first come to me, they have a decent job, a roof over their head, loyal friends, and maybe even a partner who cares about them.

Sounds like they have a pretty good life, right?

But you know what? The way they feel doesn’t match what their life looks like on paper.

For example, they might feel unhappy, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled. They might have the sense that there’s something missing in their life—even though they can’t put a finger on what it is. And in some cases, they may often be angry or irritable without really knowing why.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

If it does, you might be doing the same thing that many of my clients are doing when they first start working with me: you might be living someone else’s life instead of your own.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Vera, I’m the one who works my job, takes care of my family, and decides what to wear in the morning. So it’s MY life,...

Whether you’re going on a blind date, attending a job interview, or expanding your social circle, there’s one piece of advice you’ll probably hear over and over again:

“Just be yourself.”

It sounds simple enough, right? After all, you are yourself. So how hard can it possibly be to just be yourself?

The truth is that it can be incredibly hard. It’s something that I see clients struggle with all the time. And it’s something that used to be very difficult for me too.

You see, I grew up in a culture where the needs of a family or community were more important than any one person’s individual needs. As a result, I grew up thinking that I needed to constantly mold myself to be the person I thought I was supposed to be or that other people wanted me to be—instead of being the person I truly was inside.

Being one person when you’re by yourself and another person when you’re with other people isn’t just exhausting. It...

We all have something we want in life. For example, you might be looking for a loving relationship that makes you feel safe and valued.

Alternatively, maybe you’d like to wake up each day feeling happier or more fulfilled.

Or perhaps you want to feel more confident about standing up for yourself with members of your extended family.

Whatever it is, you might be crystal clear on WHAT it is that you want. And you might even have some ideas about HOW to make it happen.

But despite this, you’re having a hard time actually achieving your goal or fulfilling your desire. And in some cases, you might even struggle to take the first step.

And for that reason, you might be wondering, “Why can’t I…?”

I know what it’s like because it’s a question I used to ask myself all the time after my marriage ended years ago. I would often think, “Why can’t I just feel happy?”, “Why can’t I find a partner who’s right for...